[possum220]

Years ago I met a T. I connected with them on a very deep level. So deep it was painful and I hated it. I knew that if couldn't change the way I felt then I would have to see some-one else. Luckily for me he went away on vacation for many months. In that time I was able to get my head on straight and the pain went. Push it down into a black hole. Professional boundaries and all that.

Mostly in my life I don't connect with others on any sort of level. My lack of connection to people in general is something that I want to discuss and work on. When I started to discuss this with him this week he said that he felt a connection when we first met. I said that I felt a connection back then but it was gone now. Didn't even think it was about the transference stuff either.

My question is - Is transference a good thing in therapy and do I need to talk about what happened all those years ago - Or do I just continue without telling him?

[lucozader]

I don't think transference is a 'good' or a 'bad' thing, it's just something that happens sometimes (often!). I do think it can be useful to talk about, and it seems to me that discussing the connection you felt with him and exploring what it might have been about and what caused it to go away (or how and why you extinguished it) could lead to some valuable insight for you.

Also, you mention 'professional boundaries' and I just want to say that it is not your duty to uphold those - that responsibility falls on your T. It's okay to feel however you feel.

Transference is from hell.... ok, maybe not but it can feel like that.

It only took two sessions for transference and countertransference to develop and its been a head **** ever since

But I do see transference as a good thing. My T manages to trigger my issues and unless your issues are brought to the surface and dealt with, they will remain.

[maybeblue]

I don't think you have to tell him if you don't want to. However, since one of the things you want to work on in therapy is being able to connect with people and yet when you did feel that connection with him you also felt pain, it might be helpful to you to talk to him about it. It could help you understand yourself better.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by possum220

Mostly in my life I don't connect with others on any sort of level.

That is a revelation for me. Damn I think that is why I connect so fast to a therapist and it becomes so painful between sessions is because I cannot make that same connection with anyone.

You are right about the transference hurting so much. 4 years ago I saw two T's to help split the transference and it honestly did help but that could not go on. I had to stay with one and I am still grieving the loss of him when I had to move. I feel like someone in my life died.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Coming up tails

Transference is from hell.... ok, maybe not but it can feel like that.

It only took two sessions for transference and countertransference to develop and its been a head **** ever since

Are you a Borderline? That seems to happen real fast with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. It happens with me and I was diagnosed with BPD but no longer meet all the criteria.

Your Transference cannot be determined by someone else.
It's unique to everyone. It's a clue to your life's story. Neither good or bad. Bad things may have happened in your life that leads you to seek out what you missed. But that's doesn't make what you need bad.

[Elio]

My experience with transference is that it has brought out the full range of emotions from extreme pain and longing to euphoric joy/happiness; fear to security.. and so on. It has not been a linear process so I can feel secure one session and scared later in that session or next session to even ambivalent about the whole thing. It's not been just the extremes. I feel the range of feelings. I feel many things I didn't have memories of feeling.

I believe it has provided healing moments, insights, and better understanding of myself. I also feel like it is helping me understand how to connect to other people and what a connection means.

How much you talk to him about and how much you allow the transference to occur is up to you. Your statement of:

My lack of connection to people in general is something that I want to discuss and work on.

leads me to think that yes, you should talk about it if you want to work on it with other people, so that you have better understanding why it happened for you, what it took from you to force it to go, and so on.

Transference happens in many relationships not just with T's and I believe that if you are not aware of what is going on, it affects many different relationships that pass through your life (boss, co-worker, friend, partner,... ).

[possum220]

Thank you for all the responses. I do not have BPD but when I talk to him about anything remotely emotional a switch goes off and I dissociate. I have vocal changes or neck spasms. I don't think I have full blown DID but have landed somewhere on the spectrum.

When he listens he actually hears me. He doesn't tell me that nothing is wrong. He doesn't tell me that other people are so much worse off than me or dismiss what I say. There are times I talk about stuff he will have tears in his eyes and I do not understand that. He obviously cares but my capacity to tap into the fact that he cares is missing.

What happened back then is a huge key to a few things that are part of my life. I was just so embarrassed of my raw emotion that I had to kill it. I was successful. Maybe too successful. The very thought of talking to him now about that makes my neck and cheeks burn red hot.

When people try to tell me that they care it's feels like water going off a ducks back. I want to connect with others but my inability to understand it emotionally makes me think that I am a trying to find a unicorn.

[here today]

Originally Posted by possum220

Thank you for all the responses. I do not have BPD but when I talk to him about anything remotely emotional a switch goes off and I dissociate. I have vocal changes or neck spasms. I don't think I have full blown DID but have landed somewhere on the spectrum.

When he listens he actually hears me. He doesn't tell me that nothing is wrong. He doesn't tell me that other people are so much worse off than me or dismiss what I say. There are times I talk about stuff he will have tears in his eyes and I do not understand that. He obviously cares but my capacity to tap into the fact that he cares is missing.

What happened back then is a huge key to a few things that are part of my life. I was just so embarrassed of my raw emotion that I had to kill it. I was successful. Maybe too successful. The very thought of talking to him now about that makes my neck and cheeks burn red hot.

When people try to tell me that they care it's feels like water going off a ducks back. I want to connect with others but my inability to understand it emotionally makes me think that I am a trying to find a unicorn.

Hi, possum, I think I get it. I was diagnosed 8 years ago not with full-blown DID but with DDNOS. This after many years of therapy and trying to "get in touch" with my emotions.

I think transference, and whatever it is that can lead to that, is very complicated and not well-understood. This applies also to countertransference, which is where things can get very messy. Also, in my view, sometimes re-traumatizing and damaging. So your caution seems well-advised to me.

Therapy has been a pretty long, crappy experience for me. The newer therapies weren't around when I started and I never tried them. Now, most of my feeling of having been traumatized is related to bad therapy, so I don't think any other T is likely to understand that.

Nevertheless, have you tried any of them -- EMDR, brain-spotting, schema therapy? It has sounded to me like they can get to the "touchy" points without some of the risks of regular interpersonal therapy. If you like your current T OK otherwise, have you considered doing EMDR along with continuing with him?

How one finds a unicorn -- maybe a unique, individual experience?

[DP_2017]

I personally hate it, it causes too much emotions for my comfort.... and if you want to tell him, tell him but you don't have to

I understand the kinda shutting down reaction when you feel emotional. I'm the same but mine is very much related to growing up and being yelled at for showing emotions, so it's just a natural reaction I have at this point.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Are you a Borderline? That seems to happen real fast with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. It happens with me and I was diagnosed with BPD but no longer meet all the criteria.

I dont think so but he does specialise in that.

After two sessions and seeing him at a sports game, I was writing to him saying he wouldnt care if I got run over by a bus.... it was like wtf?!

To me a professional relationship is just that professional but he got under my skin really fast. It was and is severe transference.

Originally Posted by here today

Hi, possum, I think I get it. I was diagnosed 8 years ago not with full-blown DID but with DDNOS. This after many years of therapy and trying to "get in touch" with my emotions.

I think transference, and whatever it is that can lead to that, is very complicated and not well-understood. This applies also to countertransference, which is where things can get very messy. Also, in my view, sometimes re-traumatizing and damaging. So your caution seems well-advised to me.

Therapy has been a pretty long, crappy experience for me. The newer therapies weren't around when I started and I never tried them. Now, most of my feeling of having been traumatized is related to bad therapy, so I don't think any other T is likely to understand that.

Nevertheless, have you tried any of them -- EMDR, brain-spotting, schema therapy? It has sounded to me like they can get to the "touchy" points without some of the risks of regular interpersonal therapy. If you like your current T OK otherwise, have you considered doing EMDR along with continuing with him?

How one finds a unicorn -- maybe a unique, individual experience?

Schema Therapy
can be a hell hole for transference.

Originally Posted by Elio

My experience with transference is that it has brought out the full range of emotions from extreme pain and longing to euphoric joy/happiness; fear to security.. and so on. It has not been a linear process so I can feel secure one session and scared later in that session or next session to even ambivalent about the whole thing. It's not been just the extremes. I feel the range of feelings. I feel many things I didn't have memories of feeling.

I believe it has provided healing moments, insights, and better understanding of myself. I also feel like it is helping me understand how to connect to other people and what a connection means.

How much you talk to him about and how much you allow the transference to occur is up to you. Your statement of:

leads me to think that yes, you should talk about it if you want to work on it with other people, so that you have better understanding why it happened for you, what it took from you to force it to go, and so on.

Transference happens in many relationships not just with T's and I believe that if you are not aware of what is going on, it affects many different relationships that pass through your life (boss, co-worker, friend, partner,... ).

It was only with therapy I could see my pattern of transference relationships and that I have a type who I transfer to. My T is a perfect fit. Like unbelievably so.

[BudFox]

In my experience, thinking about in therapy in terms of "transference" paves the way for damaging effects -- such as emotional devastation, eroding of psychological defenses, destabilization, dependency -- to be disregarded cuz hey it's only transference.

If you mention your feelings to your therapist, and the resulting conversation brings all sorts of pain/humiliation/rejection, and this is deemed to be nothing more than transference, where does it end? Once the transference narrative has been laid down, all manner of suffering is permitted based on the shaky premise that it's productive suffering.

[possum220]

Originally Posted by here today

Hi, possum, I think I get it. I was diagnosed 8 years ago not with full-blown DID but with DDNOS. This after many years of therapy and trying to "get in touch" with my emotions.

I think transference, and whatever it is that can lead to that, is very complicated and not well-understood. This applies also to countertransference, which is where things can get very messy. Also, in my view, sometimes re-traumatizing and damaging. So your caution seems well-advised to me.

Therapy has been a pretty long, crappy experience for me. The newer therapies weren't around when I started and I never tried them. Now, most of my feeling of having been traumatized is related to bad therapy, so I don't think any other T is likely to understand that.

Nevertheless, have you tried any of them -- EMDR, brain-spotting, schema therapy? It has sounded to me like they can get to the "touchy" points without some of the risks of regular interpersonal therapy. If you like your current T OK otherwise, have you considered doing EMDR along with continuing with him?

How one finds a unicorn -- maybe a unique, individual experience?

My T doesn't use EMDR. There are not many practitioners around where I live that can. I asked a T about it one but they seemed to think that it
would not work in my case so I gave no more thought to it. I have never heard of brain-spotting until you mentioned it. I have googled it. Not sure if my T has either so I might ask him about it.

In 2016 I was in contact with another T who did practice Schema Therapy. Have to say that makes me feel like I have been run over by a bus. Definitely no transference with that T. I took a year off that do take part in a year of DBT training. Not in any hurry to go back to feeling run over by a bus. Neither is my wallet.

In the light of a new day I think that it would not be beneficial to rake up up those transference issues. He will just end up stating the obvious and I will feel rejected..... again.

We will still work on connection and trying to find that unicorn.