[Elkino]

Hi,

A few weeks ago I found out that my T is I'll and she won't get better anymore. It is devastating... She keeps working for a while still, but I don't know what to do. I have a great relationship with her. We worked together for over 6 years, but I feel like I can't talk about my issues to someone with such a big "issue" herself. She shouldn't be doing that at this point. But that's her decision of course.

I don't know what I have to do next. I know that if she won't be there anymore I'll be completely lost. I depend on her support a little too much. I feel like I should go look for a new therapist already... And it feels so wrong and scary. Nobody can replace her. Also, I don't think I can start the whole process all over again. There are things that took me over 4 to 5 years to finally talk about.

Sad (and maybe a bit wrong) to say but... I'm losing the most important person in my life. I went to see her after my boyfriend committed suicide and my friend was murdered. Having no support at all from my family she was the only one I could talk to. And now I'm losing her too. I don't know what to do...

Just hoping someone can give me some advice somehow... :-(

[doogie]

I don't have any wise words. I just want to say that I'm so sorry you are facing this. I can only imagine how painful this is for you. I hope that you can talk with your T about how you feel for the time you have left seeing her.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Elkino

Hi,

A few weeks ago I found out that my T is I'll and she won't get better anymore. It is devastating... She keeps working for a while still, but I don't know what to do. I have a great relationship with her. We worked together for over 6 years, but I feel like I can't talk about my issues to someone with such a big "issue" herself. She shouldn't be doing that at this point. But that's her decision of course.

I don't know what I have to do next. I know that if she won't be there anymore I'll be completely lost. I depend on her support a little too much. I feel like I should go look for a new therapist already... And it feels so wrong and scary. Nobody can replace her. Also, I don't think I can start the whole process all over again. There are things that took me over 4 to 5 years to finally talk about.

Sad (and maybe a bit wrong) to say but... I'm losing the most important person in my life. I went to see her after my boyfriend committed suicide and my friend was murdered. Having no support at all from my family she was the only one I could talk to. And now I'm losing her too. I don't know what to do...

Just hoping someone can give me some advice somehow... :-(

It is very sad --but in my view -- not at all wrong to say that you are losing your rock, your key source of support. I would feel a huge sense of groundlessness and anxiety.

I have been in your shoes, quite a few years ago, when my long-term T retired and that had none of the same finality, because I could at least keep in touch in some limited way (cards and a few phone calls). It was a very difficult passage and I didn't feel like anyone could replace him (that's not the point, really) and that I would have to "start over." It stung, believe me.

I think she will want you to make a transition as smoothly as possible and may have some plans for you if you seek her advice. Telling her how much your journey means will help both of you. I have no sage advice, as this must be a very difficult journey for all involved.

My thoughts are with you today.

[stopdog]

For what it is worth, my person very much wanted to do her job and did it up until a week before her death. She did not want to always be focused on herself - work gave her the ability to not think about her illness for awhile. So if the therapist is still working, I would urge you to at least consider that for her, working is quite useful and your worries that your problems are not that big of a deal in comparison is not where her focus lies.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'd say keep seeing her for now, but also try looking for a new T (maybe yours can give you a referral?) Even if you only meet with the new T once or twice, to find you feel comfortable with him/her, then can switch to them whenever T stops practicing. But if you look for someone now, it would be easier, I'd think.

[Thalassophile]

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I really don't have any words of advice other than this is a great place to look for some support when you need it. After spending 6 years with this T it is likely that you have really built up a deep and trusting relationship. She will likely want to help you as much as possible but it's understandable that you would be reluctant to want to tell her how much it is affecting you. Seeing another T to help you deal with this might also be helpful for you.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

For what it is worth, my person very much wanted to do her job and did it up until a week before her death. She did not want to always be focused on herself - work gave her the ability to not think about her illness for awhile. So if the therapist is still working, I would urge you to at least consider that for her, working is quite useful and your worries that your problems are not that big of a deal in comparison is not where her focus lies.

Agree with this ^^^ If she wants to continue to work it's because she wants to do so and wants to continue helping you.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Thalassophile

Agree with this ^^^ If she wants to continue to work it's because she wants to do so and wants to continue helping you.

Agree as well. My brother-in-law was a very high-level research doctor with a lot of graduate students that he LOVED to mentor and he kept working until a few months before his death. His students were literally his joy and it sounds like you may have this role in your T's life. What an honor to serve in this way while also getting support. As long as she can give that to you, take it!!!

This is one of my biggest fears. I am so terribly sorry.

[growlycat]

This is really awful I am so sorry. I don’t think there is anything wrong with interviewing therapists. I don’t know if this helps but at one point I had to stop doing therapy with a t I had been close to since I was 19. Decades of a relationship. He is dear to me and still around just can’t do phone therapy per his license. I have since had two wonderful t’s that showed me there was life after t1. He is still dear to me and no one can replace him but others have things to offer you to. I really hope this helps

Ps I’ve moveded several states over the years and licensing is tricky

Very sorry... I am in a profession that I love dearly, I don't even consider it as "work" much, it is one of my most favorite things to do like a hobby. It is also very collaborative and I do a lot of supervising. I am pretty sure that, if it came to serious illness, I would try to continue this work pretty much as long as I can responsibly and with decent quality, and I would really make as much effort as possible to not bring my own illness and bleak outlook into it. I think all that would be very beneficial and helpful to me also emotionally, a useful distraction also, without making it into a spectacle.

[kecanoe]

My mom also worked until just a few weeks before her death from brain cancer. She chose to do that because she loved her work. So add me to the list of people that think it is ok for you to share whatever you need to share with T.

As far as advice: there just is no great way to get through this. You will grieve, and grief is painful. I am sorry. Your grief honors her, in a way. It speaks of the depth of your relationship and how important she is to you.

[toomanycats]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this devastating loss. I actually read your post a day or so ago, but thinking what you must be feeling hit me in the gut so hard that I couldn't bring myself to reply until now.

First, I want to validate that you ARE going through something devastating and deserve support, guidance, care, and compassion right now. Just because your T is also going through something huge does not mean that you aren't allowed to need help and support. Grief is not a competition; we don't stop grieving just because someone else is going through pain.

I do want to encourage you to keep seeing your T for as long as you want to and she is available. There is no need to rush off to "save her" from anything. You are important to her, and that is why she is still seeing you. She is important to you, and that is so entirely ok -- you be with her as long as you want to and can.

I would, at the same time, encourage you to seek a second therapist who you can work with as well. This is a huge transition, and it doesn't need to be done sharply and all at once -- it is OK to start building a relationship with another T (another support person for you) while still working with and loving your current T. In fact, I think it is very important so that you are not left bearing the grief all alone when the time does come for your current T to close her practice. It will be important for there to be others on whom you can lean, and you can go ahead and start building the trust and relationship with another therapist now -- before it is so crucially needed.

I'll end by saying -- while I haven't been in exactly your shoes -- my long-term T (now exT because he moved away; though we maintain contact) was diagnosed with lymphoma last year -- the same cancer that his father has, that his aunt died from last year, and that so many in his family have succumb to. I know how horrible a punch that was for me (and coupled with him telling me he was moving away, it also meant the impending end of our therapy when I wasn't expecting that). It's been 9 months since I got that news, and I am still grieving.

All this to say - be gentle with yourself. Be patient as you can with yourself. Grief is heavy and hard and lasts a lot longer than we'd like it to. Don't rush it -- don't push yourself to get past it on any timeline. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to need help, support, someone---it's ok to need someone.

Again, I'm truly sorry you are going through this devastation. (((Big Hugs)))

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Thalassophile

Agree with this ^^^ If she wants to continue to work it's because she wants to do so and wants to continue helping you.

When my spouse was dying, he continued to do as much as he could, especially the things that involved helping his supervisees, up until 2 weeks or so before his death. He did not feel obligated and very much could have passed this work onto other people, but he wanted to be able to think about something other than the latest crisis (his illness was short, from diagnosis to death a little over 4 months). From my experience watching him, he only did the things he wanted to and he didn't want others to focus or really even mention his medical issues. So I would say that if your T wants to work, it's because she wants to and she's not anticipating that you have to do anything different than you've been doing. Scheduling might become more complicated, however, if she has to accommodate more medical appointments.

I am sorry for your loss (and for me, the loss of anticipating my spouse's death was more profound than the death itself), but I also think that working with someone who is dying offers opportunities to discuss or simply observe that death is not so scary and can be handled with dignity. Silver lining and all that.

[Wonderfalls]

One good thing, among all the grief and everything else, is that it may be easier to open up in a new therapeutic relationship than it was the first time because you're now an experienced patient, so to speak.

[88Butterfly88]

Sorry to hear this. If I was in your situation and could afford it I'd start seeing a new t now but also keep seeing this t until you can't anymore.

[healinginprogress]

I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I would be devastated, too.

[hopealwayz]

I’m so sorry for this painful news.

[Elkino]

Hi,

It took me a few days to reply. I needed a bit of time away.
I'm really amazed by the helpful messages and I'm very very thankful for the support and kindness that you all shared as a reaction to my post.

It's a bit weird, but like someone wrote above, the anticipation may be harder than death and the loss itself. It's the insecurity, the not knowing. How long will she still be around? Will I have the chance to say goodbye if I don't do it right now? How long will she be able to keep working?... you know, all of those questions keep going through my head.

I know that therapy is a very selfless kind of act. It always made my therapist seem like someone almost not human anymore, an angel or something...
I'm sure that quite a few people will know what I mean by that. We don't get to see their 'bad' side. They never seem to be annoyed or bored by what we're telling them. And that makes it feel like there's nobody on this planet that is just like them or that could offer the same support, help and love and kindness...
Also, it's very hard to know that she has this 'role'. Unlike a friend who would have been diagnosed with a disease, I can't spend more time with her. I can't visit her, try to help her, be there for her... And that makes it feel very wrong that I'm continuing my therapy sessions.

I still don't know what I'll be doing. Looking for a new therapist yet? Taking a break maybe? I hope I at least still get the chance to talk to my therapist about it...

Thanks again for all your kindness and reactions to my post!