[Merope]

Hi all,

I had a session today with my therapist (who I have major feelings of paternal transference for) which left me feeling a bit...deflated and cold. It's never happened before, all of our previous sessions left me feeling cared for and warm etc.

Today my T seemed very matter of fact and to the point. He challenged some of my thought patterns and gave me an exercise to do at home...but he seemed very detached. I think the transference is the problem. I crave for a father figure to deal with unmet needs from my childhood, so naturally, any sympathy, look of concern, joke etc leaves me feeling elated. When he is more matter-of-fact/let's get down to business, I feel almost like he is an emotionally distant father. That, in turn, makes me feel like I've done something wrong/am unlovable. It's a massive trigger for me because both my biological dad and stepfather were emotionally distant or physically absent.

Today, in particular, I had a hard time getting my thoughts across to him and a few times he even said: "sorry, what do you mean?". I know it's probably nothing but I feel stupid and incoherent and weird. To make matters worse, as I was leaving I nearly bumped into his next patient who happened to be a young woman like myself with a pretty face and a warm smile. I immediately felt raging jealousy towards her..."what if he likes her better than me? what if he accepts her more than he accepts me? what if my problems bore him? what if he feels like I'm an attention seeking weirdo?" These thoughts left me feeling very bad as I was going home. The "what if he thinks I'm stupid" was at the forefront of my mind for the entire journey. UGH!!!!

He even said that he doesn't think my self-harm is that big of a deal as a coping mechanism. In a way, it felt nice because it made me feel like I am not as messed up as I usually think I am (which I think was his goal). But the child in me wanted him to be a bit more....soothing? I know it sounds crazy, but I craved it so much that I felt like slapping myself afterwards. He has been soothing with me before...he asked me to show him my arms when I first confessed about SI, and that made me feel like he had my back, like he cared about how I'm coping with things. It was the first time I felt seen by someone and I was honestly so happy I could have hugged him (I wouldn't dare to do it, he doesn't seem the hugging type. Also, professionalism, boundaries etc.).

I WANT to be more open with him, but I'm so terrified that he'll think badly of me that I often find it hard to even speak coherently. It's crazy! He means so much to me and he is my father figure (though he doesn't know it) yet at the same time, I am paranoid that he'll reject me or refer me to someone else if I own up to my weird feelings.

My T is trained in psychodynamic therapy, but he specialised in CBT. I know that CBT is meant to be more to the point and matter-of-fact, which make it even harder for me to open up about my feelings of transference towards him. What if he's freaked out by my confession? I know I'm overthinking, but I really don't want him to think badly of me.

What do I do? I hate not making the most of therapy because I'm being a wimp who is too scared to own up to how she's feeling. And now my skin is crawling with the anxiety I'm feeling about this. I didn't realise until I saw that girl that I wanted to be his favourite patient (writing this makes me cringe, when did I become so pathetic?).

[satsuma]

Oh wow, me too!!

I'm really sorry that you are upset.

I cried on the way home after seeing my T today, for all those kinds of reasons - he seemed cold towards me with the CBT stuff when I wanted him to be more warm and reassuring.

I wonder if we have the same T?!

[Merope]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Oh wow, me too!!

I'm really sorry that you are upset.

I cried on the way home after seeing my T today, for all those kinds of reasons - he seemed cold towards me with the CBT stuff when I wanted him to be more warm and reassuring.

I wonder if we have the same T?!

Haha imagine if we do. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's never easy to depend on someone who's there but not really there. I wish I could just de-age and have him adopt me. How does one reconcile this mad craving with a realistic wish that is equally fulfilling?

[satsuma]

Slightly reassuring that I'm not the only one! I'd gladly de-age so T could adopt me...

In my rational moments, I know that T is really helping my me and giving very sound advice. But in my emotional moments - like today - I just want warm and comforting T. Not so bothered about the good advice!

I think that if the therapy overall is a useful one for you and you get on with your T then hopefully over time you will make really good progress in therapy and in life, with or without the feelings of transference. That is my experience anyway, and I hope it works out that way for you too.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Slightly reassuring that I'm not the only one! I'd gladly de-age so T could adopt me...

In my rational moments, I know that T is really helping my me and giving very sound advice. But in my emotional moments - like today - I just want warm and comforting T. Not so bothered about the good advice!

I think that if the therapy overall is a useful one for you and you get on with your T then hopefully over time you will make really good progress in therapy and in life, with or without the feelings of transference. That is my experience anyway, and I hope it works out that way for you too.

Yes, I feel the same way. The advice itself is sound and very welcome--no question about it. The only problem stems from the child in me who constantly seeks reassurance and acceptance from him. I think I will muster up the courage and find a way to tell him about this in our next session.

Hope all goes well with your sessions too!

[MoxieDoxie]

I had the same issues with my ex-T. Severe parental transference and if he was being human and had a bad day and was more going through the motions in therapy then I turned it onto myself thinking I was bad or did something wrong or was no longer "special" to him.

I am in therapy with a new therapist who is about 15 years younger than me so I am hoping that type of transference does not happen again. It was so painful.

[Thalassophile]

I'm the same in that I always think it's about me if someone is distant or off. I usually can't pinpoint what is wrong but I know something is. My mind says its me 'They no longer like me', 'They are annoyed with me' or 'I have done something wrong?' etc....Over the past few years I've come to realise that more often than not when this happens it is not about me at all. Usually, it is simply that the other person is tired, having a bad day or has something else preoccupying their mind. Yes, sometimes it might be something I did but more times it's not.

Now, if I can I usually just ask. Something like 'You seem kind of distant is everything okay?' 'Or you seem different today I am not sure how but is everything okay'? I don't always get the response I want but a lot of times the person has shared 'I'm just really tired as I didn't sleep well last night' or 'my sister is going through a tough time and I'm thinking of her etc. It has helped stop my mind running around in circles soooo much when the other person is honest. My point is your T may have seemed detached because he was. Maybe he was just tired, preoccupied or just having a bad day and didn't properly keep it out of the room like he should have.

You are not being 'pathetic' having all these feelings.. It is quite common to feel jealous of other clients particularly when you have intense transference for him. If he is a good T he will be open to hearing about your feelings and what is coming up for you. I very much doubt he will freak out. The only way through them is sharing them and exploring them IMO

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I had the same issues with my ex-T. Severe parental transference and if he was being human and had a bad day and was more going through the motions in therapy then I turned it onto myself thinking I was bad or did something wrong or was no longer "special" to him.

I am in therapy with a new therapist who is about 15 years younger than me so I am hoping that type of transference does not happen again. It was so painful.

I am working with a therapist who is 14-15 years younger than me. Unfortunately the transference is still there. Transference is hard enough without the conflict of the therapist being younger than I am. It messes with me sometimes. Despite the difficulty with this I stick with her because she is a good therapist.