Upset about what I asked T

We're never fixed. We just become better aware than have a free choice over our reactions.
Good luck.

Hope, I understand why this e-mail feels painful--I'd feel the same way. Anytime a T tries to tighten or enforce boundaries, it can hurt, because it makes the reality of the T-client relationship more glaring. I've been through this boundary tightening/changing with both my ex-T and marriage counselor, so I understand (it was especially painful with MC because of the transference).

My current T, who I've been seeing for 5 months, has fairly strong boundaries around outside contact (charges for e-mails over certain length, only uses text for scheduling, won't take phone calls/otherwise respond to contact after 10 p.m. at night) which at first I resented. But now, I realize that it's actually helping me. Yes, when I've been in a really bad place, I've used the e-mail option a few times (and paid the charge--and he wrote a lengthy response in each case that was worthy of it). And I've taken him up on the offer of an extra session a couple times (texting him to request). But I don't feel nearly as dependent on him as I became on MC. Is there some attachment? Sure. Do I often wish I could reach out to him more? Yes. But I also think about some of the pain and distress I would feel when MC sometimes took a couple days to respond to an e-mail/text--and then didn't respond in the way that I'd hoped he would. Or when I interpreted his response in a more negative light than he'd intended because it was over text/e-mail.

So, for me, with current T, this attachment feels much healthier and also is forcing me to find other ways of coping. Do I sometimes cope poorly? Yes. (But I also did that back when I had more ex-T/MC contact.) I also feel "safer" in a way because the boundaries are clear (unlike MC's, which were unclear and often shifting). I suggest you try to work things out with this T and adhere to his boundaries. Talk to him next session about coping mechanisms, what you can do instead of reaching out to him when you're upset. Maybe even a list, like, "Try this--if that doesn't work, then try this." With last resort e-mailing T.

When do you see T again? I hope you can make it work for you.

Hope, I’ve been following this thread but not responding because I had something I wanted to say in my head, but just didn’t know how to write it without seeming like I don’t want to support you, because I do. If I were in your situation and recieved that email from the therapist outlining exactly what his job is and what his job is not, I would honestly be very thankful. Because then it’s very clear, right there in black and white. There is no mistake about what he can and can’t do for you. Now it will be very easy for you to make the decision on if you can continue to work with this therapist under those circumstances. You can continue to keep looking for more than this in any professional relationship but you will never find it in an ethical therapist. Your therapist seems very ethical and professional. He’s not leading you to believe this relationship will be anything more or anything less than a solid therapeutic relationship.

As far as being fixed is concerned. Our therapist can’t fix us. Nobody can fix us. They give us tools to deal with things that come up in our every day lives.

I wish you luck with your decision weather you choose to stay with this therapist or move on.

Hi Hope,

You're not unfixable! I've struggled with a similar need to contact my t excessively and want more out of the relationship than she could give. There were many times I felt sure that I could never get past the attachment issues! I also considered quitting more than a couple of times. But you know what? Even when I didn't think I could go another step, that I was broken beyond repair, I took another step forward. Then another step. Now, I can look back and see how far I've come. I'm in no way healed, but I have made a lot of progress. If I can do it, I believe you can too!

Attachment issues are painful!! There's no way around it! It takes time to work through them. But to work through them, we need to accept that the going isn't always going to feel good with our t. It is often going to feel painful. But by sticking with the work, and not leaving therapy when it gets painful, we can learn what is really behind that pain, where it came from...and then begin to take steps to heal that pain.

It sounds like your t is very willing to keep working with you toward healing. I know it feels bad having so many boundaries in the relationship, but those boundaries benefit you. The boundaries aren't there just to protect your t's private time (although that's part of the reason). The boundaries also help you learn balance in relationships. Many of us here didn't learn that growing up. We don't always know what's OK or not OK in relationships, or how much is "too much." But our t's can help us learn to trust and hang onto the therapy relationship, while still keeping it balanced.

You probably are not going to be able to stop contacting your t cold turkey. I know I couldn't. But why not sit down with him and ask him to help you develop a plan together for cutting down emails and phone calls. Would it help to have him tell you exactly how many emails he will accept per week? Then you can work on meeting that request.

Is there something the two of you could agree to together that you could do between sessions when the urge to contact him becomes too strong? It could be journaling, it could be going for a walk, praying, calling a friend, etc.

You might also need his help to come up with a plan for what you can do when you feel so hurt that you are tempted to quit.

Please don't give up! I know this is very hard, painful work, but you can do it!

PS - The only thing I disagreed with your therapist about was his statement that he doesn't need to prove to you that he cares or that he feels anything. I know that, in my case, my therapist DID have to prove that she cared about me. She didn't always do it in the way I wanted her to, such as reply to my email right away and in depth, but she showed it in other ways that I could see, feel, and trust. Without a way to know that my t truly cared about me as a person, I would have never trusted her enough to share my deepest thoughts and pains.

I just remembered that you said you had an appointment scheduled for yesterday, did you go and talk to him in person about all this and then he still emailed?? or was that appointment canceled?

They canceled it because I didn’t have enough money.

Bummer

So when do you go back or did you decide to actually quit or take a break for now?

I told him that I needed a break.

Amen especially to last paragraph. Thats the sort of bs you might get in a personal relationship... you shouldnt get it from your T. His attitude should be 'in what ways make you feel a person cares about you? Is there something I can do to help you believe I care within the boundaries of our relationship?'

I too thought what the therapist said about proving himself was a bit odd but when I reread it again I kind of interpreted it as meaning he's not going to prove those things in an email. My impression was that he's willing to discuss anything in person in session but there's only certain subjects he's going to discuss through emails.

My interpretation of the T’s email was that he doesn’t need to prove he cares over and over again, in the way Hope wants. He has already gone above and beyond, and I thought this was his way of saying he can’t do that anymore. Just a week ago, Hope was saying that T had proved himself by not giving up on her. I thought the T was implying that this is a repeating cycle for Hope, and he can’t (or won’t) play into it.

Hope, I’m sorry to hear that you are taking a break. Therapy can be really hard. Like others have said, a T can’t just “fix us.” We have to be the ones to do the work by being willing to change our patterns that aren’t working for us and go through the growing pains. When you feel ready, I hope you do contact this T and decide to work on these patterns. It’s really hard, but the best way to push through the pain is to improve our coping skills and stop repeating unhealthy patterns. A T can help teach us those skills.

I thought the same thing about the email. Therapy can be hard, for sure! Sometimes breaks are good though....

Hope--just be careful on your break not to go crazy with contact, as he did basically said he would not tolerate it to such a level anymore, so you don't want to make things worse. If you choose to go back to him, that's great, and hope you can work out a plan to deal with this pattern

if not, that's ok too. Maybe look for a T with strict outside contact boundaries or a female next time, all the best to you in whatever you choose

Hope, a practical suggestion that may get you feeling better quickly and help financially so your father cannot exploit you any further. Consider getting an order of protection (or restraining order, or temporary protective order, name varies by state law). Most states allow you to get an order against any family or household member (and he is both). Most states also consider financial exploitation and emotional abuse/harassment as abuse; you do not need to be physically assaulted to qualify. Your local domestic violence shelter offers free assistance with these and you can file for free at your county court. You can get this kind of court order immediately without notifying your father and the sheriff will serve it and force him to leave immediately. Please visit this page for more information:

Legal Help ? The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Is this true? My state most definitely does not consider emotional abuse as a valid reason for getting a protection order. In the video I had to watch to get one, they explicitly state (in a rather demeaning way, if you ask me) that someone "being mean" to you doesn't count. I can't tell you how hard I cried when I watched that video and heard that because the majority of my abuse was emotional and it felt like none of that mattered to anyone. I had to list ways I felt threatened with harm or actual physical harm in order to get my restraining order. I'm now really curious if other states are better about this.

I’m under so much stress.

You know you can always talk about it here. It does sound stressful

Hope, instead of repeating this same cycle with male therapist have you considered group DBT? In a group you can get feedback and support from many and not fall into this cycle of unhealthy communication pattern you have have with every T you've had. I think you would benefit greatly from DBT skills. Even CBT could be of limited use for your ingrained patterns of thinking.

From your Ts email id say you found a very good T. If you quit him consider a female with DBT specilist training if the group thing isn't for you.

I told him that I wasn’t going to quit. This is a good T. He challenges me in ways my other Ts didn’t. I know I will grow in the long run as long as I stick with it.

Thank you for that.

I am so glad to hear you are sticking with it!!! With my t in my 20’s I used to threaten to quit almost weekly. It was exsusting but I felt compelled to do it. I needed to know t really cared. I eventually settled in and gradually stayed with it. I think you will be happier if you tell t how you are feeling and try not to use actions. It gets easier.

Hope, please consider doing things differently. Stop the unhealthy patterns. Talk to your T about these patterns. You're a good person and deserve to be happy, but you're going about it the wrong way. It seems that you have a lot of issues with men. If you stick with this T, maybe try making a female friend? And if you don't stick with this T, please try a female T.

It's just frustrating (my problem, not yours) that we can see these cycles/patterns and when we give you suggestions, you completely ignore them. Then you start the cycle again. You start putting yourself down. You don't need to do that in order to get reassurance.

I hope you take in what people say. They're only trying to help. And I hope you know that people here do care. We wouldn't be keeping up with you and responding to you if we didn't care.

I do listen to suggestions. And I have female friends that I talk to.

I know I am a fruStrating person.