[toomanycats]

So, I went to my normal T session this afternoon with C (my T), arrived 40 min early, parked in the parking garage to take a phone call for work before my session. As I was setting up the call, a man came up to my car, opened my passenger-side door, and reached in (he was attempting to steal my purse or to get into my car to see what else he could find, not sure which or both). I was right there, of course... I hollered at him, and he closed the door and fled along with a girl who was behind my car.

I called the police, who came out, took my statement, including my ridiculously accurate description (holy crap, guys...PTSD brains are incredibly good at taking in a million details in a millisecond). They were able to find them both, they drove me over, and I identified them....all just in time for me to get into my session on time.

I describe it all so calmly, but that's the problem -- I am going haywire. I had an AWFUL therapy session.... absolutely horrible... I was totally amped up at first, talking about what happened, but then my whole "I want to pretend this never happened" mechanism kicked in and I purposefully told C I was shoving it all away to move on. We wound up talking about a topic I had only half-heartedly brought up (a topic I'd meant to bring in today, but I didn't check myself, I should never have tried).

It turned into a nightmare of parts blasting out -- I said things about him not understanding the parts thing, him minimizing it (because he referred to a part as if it was just a 'feeling' - we are just at the very beginning of talking parts, and he knows...nothing, really, and I'm not sure even what I've shared with him and what I haven't...).

It turned into a serious discussion of whether or not we could work together. He said he had no idea what he was doing - this really upset me - I said I didn't want to work with someone who had no idea what he was doing -- that's literally what I was doing with S. I asked him if he even could ethically work with me anymore given that he just admitted to not knowing what he was doing. He said he hadn't considered it but now maybe should.

Absolute. **** storm. I was so fragmented - I went from rage to sobbing... shove to cling... and honestly I feel like he was totally lost, angry at me too, and just...I don't know if we'll get through this or not.

He wasn't able to comprehend, it seemed, that he was talking to about 3-4 different parts at once. He keeps going back to seemingly being ok not understanding, putting the entire onus of clarifying this on me without any sort of guidance as to how to clarify it for him since I have already done my damndest, making comments that sound as if they are nothing more than "a feeling I have," which is minimizing and awful, and it's absolute mayhem in my brain.

Sorry, I got side tracked

Point is, minor trauma occurred suddenly this afternoon, and I maybe shouldn't have gone in directly after...I thought he'd be the best person to contain me...but he clearly didn't. Can't. He said something about entertaining the idea that he might not be the best person to work with me - I lost it. Like how did we end up in THIS conversation literally minutes after a trauma?....

And what is going on in my brain? It's mayhem and I'm so terrified of what big changes might be being made while I'm stuck in this chaos.

I'm trying to parse out what's going on in my head.

I didn't even realize what'd happened right away -- but my body did. When I realized I needed to call the police, I noticed my hands were shaking like crazy. I realized fight or flight had activated when he'd opened my car door. I realized, also, that the part of me that handles these sorts of crises with absolute calm had taken over.

I laughed mostly.... on the phone and with the police. I think the police officer realized adrenaline was still pumping, but I wasn't aware (he mentioned something about possibly remembering more when the adrenaline stopped pumping and I'd had some time to calm down from it all).

It was C who, in session, pointed out the obvious: that the guy had been going for my purse on my front seat. I hadn't realized this, and the realization actually brought a whole new layer of feelings...

See, til then, I thought the guy didn't see I was in the car. But, now, I realize he possibly DID see I was in the car, also saw my purse on the front seat, and thought he'd be able to grab it before I noticed him. The idea that he knew I was there somehow makes it all worse... I suppose because that makes it feel like a more personal attack... like he saw me, saw a potential victim, and attempted to rob me. Which is so totally different than he saw my property, didn't think anyone was there, and got caught in the act. (That scenario, I guess, leaves me feeling powerful...and fortunate.)

^ all of this just started coming to me in the last hour. So, I guess I'm processing.

Until now, I've just been a mess of reactions.

Group T pointed out just yesterday that the angry part, who I call 13 by the way, is actually quite protective of me -- this is not at ALL how I saw that part. But, she pointed out that that part is trying to protect me by making sure that my entire focus is on staying safe -- not on any other 'distracting' relationships (husband, children, Ts). I have never seen it this way...until today.

Perhaps, and I'm not sure, but perhaps 13 was reacting as she did in session today as a huge backlash to my even being there being the reason why someone tried to rob me. Reacting HARSHLY to try and destroy the entire relationship immediately to prevent this happening again. Oh...I'm literally realizing this as I type.... oh... see I wish C could've helped me realize this, and I do feel like Group T might've been able to where C can't....

But I do not want to work with Group T as my individual T..... I do not want to leave C. I want to work with C.
Now have appointment with him tomorrow at least...

(Sorry if you see this on both here and dissociative forum - I literally just started posting there but know more people here)

I'm sorry such a traumatic thing happened to you today and that it messed with your therapy.

[NP_Complete]

Wow. That sounds so scary. I'm glad you're safe. That session sounds really stressful. I hope you can work it out with him.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I asked him if he even could ethically work with me anymore given that he just admitted to not knowing what he was doing. He said he hadn't considered it but now maybe should.

Absolute. **** storm. I was so fragmented - I went from rage to sobbing... shove to cling... and honestly I feel like he was totally lost, angry at me too, and just...I don't know if we'll get through this or not.

He said something about entertaining the idea that he might not be the best person to work with me - I lost it. Like how did we end up in THIS conversation literally minutes after a trauma?....

I am so sorry all of this happened to you today. I could feel the fear and rawness through the words , and it was very vivid and affecting. We might be half a world apart, but that post made me feel the times I've been wartorn and bleary-eyed from fighting with someone that surprisingly . When a conversation spirals out of control like this, and cant be reeled in by either side, it is terrifying. I think also though, bc it is so intense, intense, intense, it is oddly bonding. The two of you went through something today- you are hurting, and even though I am the first one to say T's don't care enough usually, these moments are exceptions. I picture your T ( C) baffled too by what transpired, and also hurting(?) or asking himself where he went so wrong in the session.

This has happened to me a few times with my T- he calls them "dust ups" , but only once was it near the level you describe and I am still in awe of the human capacity to suddenly destroy what we care about, and even do it together. It is almost like SH, to have that outpouring of the very worst thoughts, the ones we normally edit out and protect the other person from knowing about. It's very powerful, like the witches in Macbeth, a force of nature when emotion gets going with that velocity. I totally get the insult to injury part too- why did he allow this on a day you were pushed to your limit by outside events? That kind of failure of feeling when he is needed most, needed upmost, I think stems from a kind of stage fright he got- knowing you really really need him to be there, and then not being there and then panicking and then it all spiraling?

It seems like you have a dilemma - you don't think he has the experience and seasoning with parts and IFS's but you are bonded with him and want to stay?

I am so sorry this happened, and I really hope it ends well and makes a deeper bond. These moments in relationships define so much, in real ones and in T ones.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, TMC....That sounds really frightening. I'm sorry your T then expressed doubts about being able to handle working with you, which sounds so painful...Would you still be willing to work with T if he doesn't do the parts work? Maybe he just doesn't feel as qualified to do that? Or maybe you need to ease into it more? I really hope you can work it out with him, because it sounds like he's been such a great support for you since you stopped seeing S.

[mostlylurking]

So sorry to hear about this TMC. It makes sense that any protective parts would be very present, vocal, and defensive after such a frightening thing.

Is C willing to try to learn? If he seems like a good T in other respects, perhaps simply reading a couple of books would go a long way toward helping him understand. Many therapists do seek additional education or training along the way, and perhaps he'd be willing to do this, at least informally. I think Internal Family Systems would be helpful for many clients, for instance.

Yikes! I'm glad that you are still here and that nothing worse happened to you during the criminal incident that you encountered today.

[toomanycats]

Thanks, all...going to try to respond to everyone here. Really, thank you for being here.

Thank you for the hugs (((RC))) and for your support as well, NP and ForWhatItsWorth.

Salinger - thank you so much. First, for saying you could see my fear and pain in my words - that really made me feel seen. And for putting a lot of words to things I just couldn't - such as how the inability to save the conversation was terrifying. And for saying that C and I went through something today.

I realized, just now, as I was typing about this more that we did go through something, and I feel let down. I literally said to C "The benefit of dissociation is that I can just cram this back and it's like it didn't happen." He asked if that's what I was doing, and I said "yep." I told him I didn't want to talk about it. The thing is... I think I needed him to push me on this. To say "no, TMC, we're not going to cram this back. We're not going to pretend it didn't happen. This time, you're not alone with this. I'm here, and you're safe."

Because, see, C knows...C knows that's my history and greatest defense: immediately pretending it didn't happen. That's what I did after I was assaulted. It's what I always do. He knows this, and, actually, I do feel let down.

I actually don't want IFS; we're not doing IFS. I'm on the dissociative spectrum far down enough to have 'parts.' (I just don't black out and lose time. Not anymore at least.) I asked C his experience in working with people who have dissociative disorders, and he says that he has experience -- even working with people farther down on the spectrum than me.

It's just, also, I am attached to him. And some of the parts, but not all, are really attached to him...in a very childlike way...and I just came out of being abandoned by a therapist I was extremely attached to...I just can't lose another one.

LT - I have gone as far in therapy as I can without parts work being part of the therapy. So, that's kind of...that.

mostlylurking - He seems absolutely willing to learn. He does NOT take it lightly when I talk about quitting. And I know that. Unfortunately, I (well, a part) was 'bombing' my relationship with him... so I know that I hurt him - made him feel very inadequate and like he is failing me. Which... is fair, honestly. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. I didn't insult him. I just said he didn't understand, I didn't want to be anyone's practice client, I wanted someone who knew what he was doing ---

what I didn't say was that this was all a LOT more intense today BECAUSE I was coming in off the street after a sudden trauma, was shaken, and needed someone to make me feel safe...and to 'know what to do' (even though I'd already done all the adult things I needed to do). Instead, I felt alone in the room - with all of the burden of trying to figure out not just the attempted robbery but also everything else in my entire messed up head and life...

[WarmFuzzySocks]

((tmc)) I'm sorry that happened, both the attempted robbery and the therapy session after. I hope you're able to find some clarity in your appointment tomorrow.

[mostlylurking]

Total speculation here TMC, but could the part that was "bombing" him have expected that somehow, because this happened when you were going to therapy, he should have protected you from it? I know that's not rational, but then feelings often aren't. Was (s)he punishing him for letting you get hurt in "his" car park, on the way to see him?

Or, in a similar vein, did he perhaps say anything in the first moments of therapy that didn't feel sufficiently protective of you or concerned about you? Such that a protective part might feel like he was failing as your ally?

[1stepatatime]

Wow, that is incredibly frightening! I’m glad that you are okay. I can only imagine the adrenaline rush! whenever I have to park in a parking garage I am ready just in case something like that ever occurred. This guy is lucky you weren’t armed ( assuming you weren’t). Glad that you are okay!

[growlycat]

The stuff with your t would upset me too. If he wasn’t familiar with parts work why would he mention it this late in the game? Ugh sorry.

I hope you can at least recognize how well you handled that traumatic event. I mean, you killed it. Stopped the invasion the car, reported it and got the cops to find the perps all before session? I’m kind of in awe. You are more capable than you realize

[mcl6136]

Good $@@@@@ Lord!!!!
Please try to separate this awful incident from any decisions about anything else!!!!
Take it one moment at a time. Keep breathing and posting here.
Who could possibly make any decent progress in therapy until this incident is unpacked and digested.
Take it slowly.
I'm glad you made it through this day!

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

So, I went to my normal T session this afternoon with C (my T), arrived 40 min early, parked in the parking garage to take a phone call for work before my session. As I was setting up the call, a man came up to my car, opened my passenger-side door, and reached in (he was attempting to steal my purse or to get into my car to see what else he could find, not sure which or both). I was right there, of course... I hollered at him, and he closed the door and fled along with a girl who was behind my car.

I called the police, who came out, took my statement, including my ridiculously accurate description (holy crap, guys...PTSD brains are incredibly good at taking in a million details in a millisecond). They were able to find them both, they drove me over, and I identified them....all just in time for me to get into my session on time.

I describe it all so calmly, but that's the problem -- I am going haywire. I had an AWFUL therapy session.... absolutely horrible... I was totally amped up at first, talking about what happened, but then my whole "I want to pretend this never happened" mechanism kicked in and I purposefully told C I was shoving it all away to move on. We wound up talking about a topic I had only half-heartedly brought up (a topic I'd meant to bring in today, but I didn't check myself, I should never have tried).

It turned into a nightmare of parts blasting out -- I said things about him not understanding the parts thing, him minimizing it (because he referred to a part as if it was just a 'feeling' - we are just at the very beginning of talking parts, and he knows...nothing, really, and I'm not sure even what I've shared with him and what I haven't...).

It turned into a serious discussion of whether or not we could work together. He said he had no idea what he was doing - this really upset me - I said I didn't want to work with someone who had no idea what he was doing -- that's literally what I was doing with S. I asked him if he even could ethically work with me anymore given that he just admitted to not knowing what he was doing. He said he hadn't considered it but now maybe should.

Absolute. **** storm. I was so fragmented - I went from rage to sobbing... shove to cling... and honestly I feel like he was totally lost, angry at me too, and just...I don't know if we'll get through this or not.

He wasn't able to comprehend, it seemed, that he was talking to about 3-4 different parts at once. He keeps going back to seemingly being ok not understanding, putting the entire onus of clarifying this on me without any sort of guidance as to how to clarify it for him since I have already done my damndest, making comments that sound as if they are nothing more than "a feeling I have," which is minimizing and awful, and it's absolute mayhem in my brain.

Sorry, I got side tracked

Point is, minor trauma occurred suddenly this afternoon, and I maybe shouldn't have gone in directly after...I thought he'd be the best person to contain me...but he clearly didn't. Can't. He said something about entertaining the idea that he might not be the best person to work with me - I lost it. Like how did we end up in THIS conversation literally minutes after a trauma?....

And what is going on in my brain? It's mayhem and I'm so terrified of what big changes might be being made while I'm stuck in this chaos.

I'm trying to parse out what's going on in my head.

I didn't even realize what'd happened right away -- but my body did. When I realized I needed to call the police, I noticed my hands were shaking like crazy. I realized fight or flight had activated when he'd opened my car door. I realized, also, that the part of me that handles these sorts of crises with absolute calm had taken over.

I laughed mostly.... on the phone and with the police. I think the police officer realized adrenaline was still pumping, but I wasn't aware (he mentioned something about possibly remembering more when the adrenaline stopped pumping and I'd had some time to calm down from it all).

It was C who, in session, pointed out the obvious: that the guy had been going for my purse on my front seat. I hadn't realized this, and the realization actually brought a whole new layer of feelings...

See, til then, I thought the guy didn't see I was in the car. But, now, I realize he possibly DID see I was in the car, also saw my purse on the front seat, and thought he'd be able to grab it before I noticed him. The idea that he knew I was there somehow makes it all worse... I suppose because that makes it feel like a more personal attack... like he saw me, saw a potential victim, and attempted to rob me. Which is so totally different than he saw my property, didn't think anyone was there, and got caught in the act. (That scenario, I guess, leaves me feeling powerful...and fortunate.)

^ all of this just started coming to me in the last hour. So, I guess I'm processing.

Until now, I've just been a mess of reactions.

Group T pointed out just yesterday that the angry part, who I call 13 by the way, is actually quite protective of me -- this is not at ALL how I saw that part. But, she pointed out that that part is trying to protect me by making sure that my entire focus is on staying safe -- not on any other 'distracting' relationships (husband, children, Ts). I have never seen it this way...until today.

Perhaps, and I'm not sure, but perhaps 13 was reacting as she did in session today as a huge backlash to my even being there being the reason why someone tried to rob me. Reacting HARSHLY to try and destroy the entire relationship immediately to prevent this happening again. Oh...I'm literally realizing this as I type.... oh... see I wish C could've helped me realize this, and I do feel like Group T might've been able to where C can't....

But I do not want to work with Group T as my individual T..... I do not want to leave C. I want to work with C.
Now have appointment with him tomorrow at least...

(Sorry if you see this on both here and dissociative forum - I literally just started posting there but know more people here)

Sorry you had a session like that. That sounds really tough and upsetting . How are you now?

My t has phrased it that all parts main motivator is protection of the self [you]. Even though some of them go about it in abusive and bad ways, their goal is to protect...like that's why they formed and fragmented. To protect the child going thru something horrible. And my t and I work on retraining the parts to protect in a more healthy way and not be so damaging

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Total speculation here TMC, but could the part that was "bombing" him have expected that somehow, because this happened when you were going to therapy, he should have protected you from it? I know that's not rational, but then feelings often aren't. Was (s)he punishing him for letting you get hurt in "his" car park, on the way to see him?

Or, in a similar vein, did he perhaps say anything in the first moments of therapy that didn't feel sufficiently protective of you or concerned about you? Such that a protective part might feel like he was failing as your ally?

Actually, he did say "were you terrified?" in such a way that I heard it as "why would you be afraid? That's ridiculous..." -- I called him out on this right away, though, and we handled it. It was just a misinterpretation on my part, and I think a really good immediate sign that a part was judging other parts harshly for having been afraid...and possibly admitting to it.

It's also true that he greeted me with a smile as if nothing had happened. But, when I texted him about what'd happened, his response showed concern. So...mixed bag?

I'm not fully aware of what the relationship bomber was thinking/feeling.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Sorry you had a session like that. That sounds really tough and upsetting . How are you now?

My t has phrased it that all parts main motivator is protection of the self [you]. Even though some of them go about it in abusive and bad ways, their goal is to protect...like that's why they formed and fragmented. To protect the child going thru something horrible. And my t and I work on retraining the parts to protect in a more healthy way and not be so damaging

Today is weird.
A male, violent and aggressive part has been very far forward. Was nowhere to be seen yesterday...I don't fully understand why today. This part is new-ish to me...new in that I hadn't fully identified it as a part. It's actually been around a long time.

I've been trying to "sketch out" the make-up of my brain multiple times over the course of the day as I feel big shifts happening. To try and show C...to try and explain

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Wow, that is incredibly frightening! I’m glad that you are okay. I can only imagine the adrenaline rush! whenever I have to park in a parking garage I am ready just in case something like that ever occurred. This guy is lucky you weren’t armed ( assuming you weren’t). Glad that you are okay!

ha...I was very not armed

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Good $@@@@@ Lord!!!!
Please try to separate this awful incident from any decisions about anything else!!!!
Take it one moment at a time. Keep breathing and posting here.
Who could possibly make any decent progress in therapy until this incident is unpacked and digested.
Take it slowly.
I'm glad you made it through this day!

Thank you. I'm trying.
I'm frustrated with myself for not being over it by now.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by growlycat

The stuff with your t would upset me too. If he wasn’t familiar with parts work why would he mention it this late in the game? Ugh sorry.

I hope you can at least recognize how well you handled that traumatic event. I mean, you killed it. Stopped the invasion the car, reported it and got the cops to find the perps all before session? I’m kind of in awe. You are more capable than you realize

This is what I wound up saying, out loud, to 13 (part) yesterday.
That I can handle these things, she doesn't need to be trying to handle them. Explained how I'd just proved I could handle it. It helped. A lot actually.