[sidony]

So I keep wanting to call T and leave him a message. That starting tomorrow I'm rewriting my life and that part of that is ditching group therapy (since it makes me miserable a lot of the time) and basically ditching most of my friends. I think all the Halloween crap I mentioned in my other posts is the last straw. And I'm done. Cooked. Golden. Etc. And that option 2 is to beat my head into the wall -- I figure that option will exacerbate the headache I've had (I don't recommend taking 2 ambien while intoxicated -- this does not provide good sleep).

But I might just be wigging out and using the whole straw thing to get attention from him. And maybe that's what I need. I do feel like I'm done though. Finished. I need everything to change completely. Financially I can't move right now so the geographic cure isn't a good option.....

Sidony (wigging out)

[pegasus]

Call T if you need.

(((((((( sidony )))))))

I am so glad to see you back.

I was sort of hoping you'd coming back raving about your job, saying that the reason you haven't been on is because you have been so busy working and loving it.

I'm so sorry that you are still going through such a hard time.

What is stopping you from calling T? Are you afraid of his reaction when you tell him you want to stop group? That he will persuade you to stay?

You know what? It's okay to do things for attention. We all need attention.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey,

Wigging out is permitted here! I do it regularly...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
option 2 is to beat my head into the wall

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Doesn't that hurt a lot?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ditching most of my friends

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It really does sound like you need some changes. I'm glad you are taking the initiative!

Take care.

[okiedokie]

Hi sidony,
I totally feel where you're at right now. I'm right there with you.

Can't do it myself, but my best advice for you is to take a few deep breaths and call your T. No sense wigging out on your own. Besides, from what I know, T's are good at crisis.

Glad to see you back.
Take good care,
Okie

[sidony]

Thanks everyone. No I didn't call T. But I'll see him tomorrow when I guess I'll show up for group. Hopefully I can figure out what I want and ditch what I don't want.

Yesterday I just drank a lot and went to a Halloween party. For those of you who saw my other posts, it didn't turn out as badly as feared because my ex and his girlfriend changed their costumes at the last minute. That was really kind of them since I don't know how they managed to come up with new stuff the day of Halloween, but they did. Luckily. I'd been so anxious though that I couldn't really have a good time. I had a few serious conversations with a couple of people there (not very party-like!) but mostly felt sad.

Today I went out to the finish line of a marathon (Marine Corps) happening here. I was waiting to see my sister and her husband when they finished. At first I was standing near the finish line, and there was this loud d.j. welcoming the runners. And they were playing all this dramatic music as people made it to the finish line, all ecstatic. And that started making me so emotional that I had to get away from it. If I'd kept standing there at the finish line I would have just cried and cried. Would have felt pretty stupid standing there in a crowd crying over dramatic music and happy runners. What the hell. So I went on over to the family link-up and found my sis and her husband. They were happy. My sister was shaking like a leaf from the run. I was happy to see them. I hated when we parted.

Now I'm home again. Don't know what I'll do. I bought this new computer and it came a couple of days ago. It still sits here in a box because I've lost interest in it. I was realizing on the way home from the marathon (long walk back) that I don't have desire any more. I just don't want anything. Except maybe not to be alone. Sometimes I start going kind of nuts when I'm alone.

My new job isn't bad at all, but I stress about being new and not knowing yet whether they'll like my work etc. Every day I'm just hoping that the time will go by quickly. It's almost a constant prayer in my head to make the time pass by.... I'm happy because I have to leave early tomorrow to see an eye doctor! Ordinarily I don't look forward to having my eyes dilated and all that.... Now it seems better than the minute-to-minute stress. I guess I'll just try to survive. Maybe one day I'll want things again or stop feeling worthless or something. I don't know.

Thanks for listening,
Sidony

[ECHOES]

The first few weeks on a new job are very stressful and then it just starts getting easier

That was nice to go and support your sister and her husband and I'm sure they were so glad that you did.

Good to hear that you went to the party! That took effort and courage, so pat yourself on the back!! Yay!

Being alone can be hard. I'm glad you're here.

[lauren_helene]

Congrats on the new job and for going to group therapy. I'm learning if you want to run from it first examine what makes you feel that way.

[sidony]

Well I'm home again after group therapy tonight. I talked about everything I mentioned in my last post above -- Halloween, runners, wanting to quit, lack of desire, everything. I don't know why, but today I could talk. I think T was impressed. I don't know how I feel when I'm talking, but I did feel cheerier when I left. I even talked about how last week I was miserable and should I come if I'm like that. I liked that some folks understood the bit about being all emotional when I went over to the marathon. I'd felt kind of like a freak about it. But anyway, I talked a lot. T pointed out that I was talking a lot and mentioned that I had said (in individual therapy) that I'm often mute during group therapy. So he was pointing out that I wasn't mute. Good point I guess.

I mentioned that I barely ever bought new music any more. One of the girls in the group then offered to give me a CD (which she got from her car afterward and gave to me). It's Amy Winehouse (sp?) -- I like it.

So what the hell. Whenever I decide to completely give up on group I find it helpful. Still, the first 45 minutes I barely spoke and felt really awkward. I don't really much interact when other people are talking. I don't know. Then I basically dominated the conversation for a while.

Tomorrow night I have individual therapy (T is seeing me in the evening until I can get something worked out at my new job -- I'm incredibly grateful for that). I look forward to that. Individual therapy is still the best thing ever to me.

Thanks for listening everyone. I know I change my stance / attitude constantly. I appreciate all your support.

Sidony

[sunrise]

sidony, yay for the good group session! Your T must really be thrilled at the progress you have made in being able to talk and share with the group. Maybe so much has happened for you recently, that you finally felt you had something worth sharing with everybody.

I like Amy Winehouse too. I buy a lot of new music. I think it is neat the girl from your group shared the CD with you. A connection!

I know you have been through changes in your life recently and want even more, such as stopping some friendships with your old crowd. But maybe your group therapy can be one thing not to give up. It's good to have something that is stable in our lives, and it seems like this is a non-threatening piece to keep stable. It's not like you are friends on "the outside" with these people with any uncomfortable associations with your past.

That's really great your therapist is doing evening sessions with you to accommodate your schedule.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Thanks for listening everyone. I know I change my stance / attitude constantly.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's one reason your posts are always so interesting to read! And that is so true to life.

[sidony]

Thanks sunrise.

I had individual therapy tonight. I didn't find it quite as easy to talk (I think I said everything last night!), but it was comforting all the same. I cheer up in spite of myself after therapy. I think I'll call T this week and tell him I felt better -- you know, now that I've gone in and talked about how miserable I am -- at least if I can hang onto it. He had several good points and analogies for me tonight that I need to write down.

I especially liked when I said I was angry with myself for having made the same mistakes over and over and not having learned from them. He said that repeatedly hitting your thumb with a hammer does not teach you better hammer-swinging techniques. I liked that analogy.



Feeling better....
Sidony