Most intense session ever (long)

***I am applying the trigger if you do not want to read about suicidal thoughts***

I came to some major awareness about myself BEFORE I even stepped foot into therapy last night. I wrote so much the whole week. First it was the angry letters to T, then it was revised letters that had trickles of awareness but then I would discount it and blame him again.

Finally, on Sunday what flooded my thoughts was all of the ways in which T has provided a safe environment for me and showed me he cared. He took some professional risks at significant times (i.e. the hug after my crying fit one session is one example) and I started to focus on all of the positive sessions and connections between T and I.

So here goes...I am going to be a bit vulnerable and tell more than I have with you all because I need to. Let me say that this is my awareness, and I am in no way sending any hidden messages to anyone that my awareness is yours too and that you should learn from me. Far from it. It has taken me almost two years just to get to this point. It is afterall, a process and the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to do for ourselves.

I know many people can be vulnerable and talk directly about suicidal thoughts here and in life outside of this board. However, I am terrified of telling anyone what I really think or feel.

This has hurt my therapy progress because I now know that I try to tell T what I need or try to get their attention in various passive-aggressive ways. Such as telling true stories in the sense that the feelings are true that I say I feel about the 'people' I am talking about.

For example, I had questions about my sexual orientation, and it was until recently that I really started sharing that with T. Prior to this, earlier in therapy, whenever I wanted to talk about it and try to explore my feelings on it, I would talk about my friend who is gay and his partner. I did this to gauge T on his feelings about the subject. I do this all the time on sensitive matters involving my feelings. I test my feelings out on someone in this way before I ever admit it is me I'm talking about. If I get an adverse reaction, I never mention it again...

My dad used to say all the time "G, when you tell me you have this friend and their dilemma is..., I know you mean yourself kiddo and he would kind of laugh with me. I've been doing this since oh gosh very early in my life.

So when T or anyone in my life can't read my mind, I find other new and exciting and sometimes dangerous ways of conveying my wants, needs and positive or negative feelings. Some of that is picking fights and blaming T and others for my perceived and sometimes delusional thoughts.

For example, I was experiencing this week intense paranoia and some delusions thinking T wasn't calling me back because he wanted me to go crazy, then I would call him and tell him that and he would terminate me that way and wash his hands of me. My thought was this is why for the first time ever he isn't calling back.

The look on his face when I came out with that was complete shock. I have never stated anything like this to him before other than my pleas for calls back to tell me he's not mad at me. I know that he just isn't going to do that, it isn't good for my progress. He has emergency procedures in place and I know what they are. It is therefore, up to me to be direct with stuff as important as this. I did call the second time and say "nah it's not life threatening but T seems disgusted with me and I think he is done with me." Figuring yep he'll call back now.

We spent a good amount of time exploring all of this and before I left, he asked me if I would be okay about him and our relationship until next week's session. I said that I would be. I'm kind of nervous now because I pretty much admitted all my defense and coping mechanisms. It is not that I thought I was giving him this brand new information, it's that now I've put it out there...eeek! He'll be calling me on this when it happens now I betcha.

I told him that when I drive around for hours doing my 'music therapy' that I listen to Pink's latest cd. Honestly, even with her misunderstood album I swear she is writing about me too.

I was surprised when T said that he wanted to listen to it. I had brought the cd with me because at first I was going to say 'here is how I feel about everything okay see ya next time'...

I feel even closer to him now but I also feel like I get it. He's teaching me to take care of myself while he keeps the path steady for me.

I have to run and see my two year old be superman tonight but wanted to share this with you all...more later!

almedafan, sounds like a really hard session, but so productive too, with lots of new awareness and insights.

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I'm kind of nervous now because I pretty much admitted all my defense and coping mechanisms.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Good for you. This will really be helpful in your therapy. I bet T knew a lot of them, but it will help you so much now that you have been open and direct about this.

That is neat that he was interested in Pink's music--something that sounds like it is very important to you. He's very validating.

Hope your son had a great Halloween. My kids were a pirate and a stewardess.

It really was a good session, I do feel better about things so we'll see how long that lasts...

Hey Sunny thanks!! I was thinking of pirate for my son but he hates wearing stuff on his head let alone his eye. He's too young yet. He was superman and he had to wear his costume all day and night. He had a parade at school.

Funny comment of the night was when he pointed to this scary witch flying on a broom that was hanging on someone's door and said 'oh my gosh look...' he's 2.5 and growing up.