Friday's Session. Whoa. (Long).

(Trigger icon for some mention of SI)

I really need to sort out everything that went on during Friday's session. This seems like the place to do it. I also realize that a lot of the stuff that went on, connection-wise, might be uncomfortable for some people, similarly to the post I made a few weeks ago. I don't mind your honesty. Just please remember it's my session, and I know what's goin' on.

During Tuesday's session we had been talking about my depression, and he asked if I thought it was chemical. I said to him, "I can't believe you just asked me that." My interpretation of Mr. Analysis-No-Pills asking me if my depression could be chemical meant-- "Your depression is resistant to therapy. I don't know what else to do. Let's just chalk it up to biology." However, I didn't tell him this in session.

When I walked in yesterday, I handed him a new poem that I wrote a couple days prior. One part of it even eluded to the chemical thing. He read the poem, we talked about it a little bit, and then he said, "I have something for you." He told me had been reading something and found a passage that reminded me of the comment he made about my depression being chemical. He typed out this small paragraph from a book which ties in the biological elements to the attachment theory. Very interesting stuff. But anyway, he told me he thought he would give it to me because he felt that I might be upset and/or confused about the comment he made last week.

So of course I'm sitting there reading the paragraph trying to conjure up some sort of intelligent comment in regards to the content so that he would think I was brilliant, when really all I could do was sit there dumbfounded that he thought of me in between sessions. So I told him. I told him that I figured since I had no object constancy, neither did he. Only difference is mine hurts, his doesn't. Then he goes: of course I think of you between sessions.

Then I told him about my SI. That I made a cut on my wrist. (I know, I know, bad, bad, bad). I asked him if he was mad. He said, "I'm not angry at you. I am frightened and concerned." On Tuesday right before I had left session, I had asked him if I could call if I needed him, and he said of course. He told me yesterday, "When I didn't hear from you, I was very concerned, especially because you mentioned about calling." I appreciated very much that he felt comfortable disclosing these emotions. This is very important to me because one thing about my SI is that I have always felt that no one really cared. I used to do it so much when I was younger and living at home and no one ever cared enough to try and stop me or distract me, even when they knew it was going on. No one ever wanted to talk about it. They would just sort of pretend it wasn't happening.

I told him some things that I wouldn't have said in the past. I told him how last week was hard because I was so disconnected and then during the session when I used the couch-- after I got off of the couch, I felt so safe and taken care of-- I told him that I felt like he was holding, me, just without physical contact. I told him that I wanted to stay with him for 17 hours. That he could take breaks. He laughed and asked what I would do for 17 hours. I said, "Just sit. Talk sometimes." I felt really safe at that moment.

Towards the end of the session, he reminded me that we really needed to address the fact that I am currently coming 2x per week and when school starts I'll have to switch back to 1x. Obviously that is going to be a horrific transition for me to make, especially in terms of staying connected. He told me he made a list of the dates remaining in which I would come 2x per week until my semester starts again. He handed me the list and I tried to look at the dates, but I couldn't focus or comprehend them. I wanted to tear up the list and throw it at him. He said, "You can't do this right now, can you?" I said, "I hate this list." And he said, "You hate the list or you hate me?" I told him, "Both. You and the list, and the fact that you gave it to me right now." He told me that he knew it would hurt me, but he felt it was really important to address the remaining amount of 2x per week sessions now, rather than a week before we have to end it. I understand that. I handed him back the paper and told him I just couldn't look at it right now, and could he please keep it until next time.

Then he says, "How do you do with classical music?" I told him... you know I love classical music. So he hands me a CD that he copied for me. A Schubert string quartet. Wow. He said, "For one thing, I knew you would be really upset and angry when I talked about the list of sessions, so I wanted to give you something to stay connected. I know how powerful music is for you." I told him I wanted to ask one more question before the session ended. I asked him why he picked this particular piece to give me. He said, "Because I like Schubert a lot. And when I listen to his music, I hear a lot of anger and frustration... but also a lot of beauty. And this piece really reminds me of the way you tell me you want to get back to the things in your life that you love that have been overshadowed by all of the things you are going through."

I looked at him and said, "Please don't say anything more. That was the perfect ending to a session."

I'm listening to the CD as I type this. There is so much emotion in each movement, similarly to the session-- I felt so connected to him in so many ways, then there was that interruption of anger because of the list, then back to this incredible connection when he handed me the CD and explained his reasoning for the choice. I can internalize a connection while listening to something so powerful that I know he loves and knows so well.

Wow! It sounds like you had a great session except for the mention of the reduction of sessions. I know that you will miss him like something awful just like I do my T. I hope you find a way to stay connected to him in between sessions (listening to the CD, holding something that reminds you that he cares about you, calling his voice mail just to hear his voice, a letter from him that reminds you that he cares ...)
Good luck in school.

Sorry I forgot to respond to the chemical comment. I am on an anti-depressant primarily because therapy without it wasn't enough for me. I am not sure I believe in the chemical idea. I think you could give it a try if you want to. I do suspect some of mine is biological or chemical.
What was the quote on attachment and object constancy? I have a tendency to not feel loved a lot and would like to learn more about the idea of emotional object constancy.

Hey Hopefull. Thanks for your response. I have actually tried around 16 different meds in the last 9 years. I just came off of a mood stabilizer and currently, I'm only taking Klonopin as needed (which is around 2x per day lately). I have a lot of issues surrounding the use of meds.

Here is what my T found for me:

"Van der Kolk and others have suggested that endorphin pathways are laid down in the brain over the course of the first several years of life, in the context of early object relationships. Affectively intense experiences, both positive and negative, are accompanied by endorphin release, and these chemically bathed states in the brain become associated with states of both deep secuirty and trauma. There is thus a physiology of attachment in these ties to early objects. Early experiences are addictive, not just because of their psychological salience but also because of their neurochemical concomitants."

Pinksoil,

Now that was a connection to beat all connections!!!

Simple, caring, loving, connecting.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Towards the end of the session, he reminded me that we really needed to address the fact that I am currently coming 2x per week and when school starts I'll have to switch back to 1x.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This reminds me so much of my T....when I told him I was worrying about the next vacation, he reminded me that we had 3 more weeks together. He just wants to prepare me and give me lots of time to process the information that I want to forget!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I told him some things that I wouldn't have said in the past. I told him how last week was hard because I was so disconnected and then during the session when I used the couch-- after I got off of the couch, I felt so safe and taken care of-- I told him that I felt like he was holding, me, just without physical contact.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
And the spiral goes deeper. Congratulations. That is so wonderful and I am happy for you.

Way to go Pink.

Pink! This is a whoa session! I love when he said 'of course I think of you between sessions'. It helps to know that for some of us.

Have you noticed that it is easier now for you to be honest with him about your feelings and it doesn't take several sessions? I've noticed that.

I love the song that he gave you because it says that yes there is anger and frustration but beauty too. He is confident that you will overcome this.

He also anticipated every feeling and had a remedy ready for it. You're right this was the perfect ending and maybe even the perfect session? You did great, if it wasn't 6:22 am for me, I'd be crying right now...I'm still trying to wake up!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Hey Hopefull. Thanks for your response. I have actually tried around 16 different meds in the last 9 years. I just came off of a mood stabilizer and currently, I'm only taking Klonopin as needed (which is around 2x per day lately). I have a lot of issues surrounding the use of meds.

Here is what my T found for me:

"Van der Kolk and others have suggested that endorphin pathways are laid down in the brain over the course of the first several years of life, in the context of early object relationships. Affectively intense experiences, both positive and negative, are accompanied by endorphin release, and these chemically bathed states in the brain become associated with states of both deep secuirty and trauma. There is thus a physiology of attachment in these ties to early objects. Early experiences are addictive, not just because of their psychological salience but also because of their neurochemical concomitants."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Of course our experiences get converted to chemicals or brain pathways. How else could they have more than a transient effect? Van der Kolk is a well-known investigator of PTSD. He has a Massachusetts treatment center that has more information:

http://www.traumacenter.org/

but you may know all this already.

Pinksoil!

Thanks so much for posting that. It sounds like an amazing session. I love that he gave you the music CD to help you feel connected.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So of course I'm sitting there reading the paragraph trying to conjure up some sort of intelligent comment in regards to the content so that he would think I was brilliant

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I love this line! I'm always hoping I'll make some brilliant remark too so my T will be impressed with me. But I usually ramble around and feel like I make no sense.

I'm so sorry you'll have to reduce the sessions. I'm dying to go twice a week myself right now (I have the time since I'm unemployed, but the lack of employment means I don't have enough money!). At least when you're back in school you'll be really busy anyway and will make the weeks go faster.

Sidony

Hey guys. I didn't go to my internship today. I called in sick. I don't even know why. I think I'm too depressed to do anything. I don't know. It's this horrible "nothing" sort of feeling. I can't even identify what's going oin. I want to call T. I see him tomorrow. Don't know if I should try to hold out. I know, I know, I know that it's okay to call and that he will get back to me. Now I'm starting to cry because the house is such a mess and I just can't get to it. How could I let myself miss my internship and not push myself harder? Ha.... harder? I didn't even push myself at all.