[sunrise]

My T is 2600 miles away and has been all week. His trip won't interfere with our weekly schedule, but I still feel like he is very far away. He is gone, and I have to deal with life on my own.

It's been a really hard week. My husband came to me 5 nights ago and said he wants to list my diamond ring on the assets list for our divorce. This was a gift from him to me 8 years ago, kind of a belated engagement ring (when we got married, we only had wedding bands), given on our 12th anniversary. It really hurt, like he is asking for his ring back, a symbol of our marriage. If the ring goes on the assets list and I want to keep it, I have to pay him for it. Yuck. The fact that he asked for it to be on the list invalidates its meaning for me. The only other pieces of property on our assets list are our cars and our house. I have not requested that any of his expensive "toys" go on our list. I just assumed he would keep them and I would keep my stuff, including the ring. This is the only piece of expensive jewelry I have. I guess I could request all of his expensive "stuff" go on our assets list. But I don't want this to become "tit for tat" and escalate into a my penny, your penny war.

A couple of days ago, he moved out. We are officially separated now. It was gut wrenching, even though we both wanted it. I've been trying to give my kids the emotional support they need, as they are feeling it too. It is hard to believe it is over. It would be easier if I would just never see him again, but when you have kids, it doesn't work that way.

To top it off, I've been sick for close to 3 weeks now. I think my immune system is shot from the stress. And a couple of weeks ago I started taking these blasted female hormones to help control the pain due to a large growth on my ovary. Taking hormones affects my mood in a big way. I'm ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Other times I'm just depressed. I can't even tell what is real anymore--am I really upset or is it just hormones? How can I possibly get through our big legal meeting later this week without bursting into tears? That would be so awful, so embarrassing. I can't do this.

I would feel better if T were in town. Even if I didn't call him, at least I would know he is only 10 miles away. That's kind of dumb, I guess. I feel alone. I hope his plane doesn't crash.

Sunny-- Wow. So much stress. I understand you being worried about T-- especially since I am terrified of airplanes. But he will be back.

I understand what you mean about him being 2600 miles away vs. 10 miles, even if you don't call him. I felt the same when my went away. When he came back I did not call for a couple days but it was nice enough to know his presence was nearby.

I truly admire you for what you have endured. Allow yourself some time to fall apart a bit-- I think you need to. Your body is telling you this. When it is time for the meeting go back to Strong Sunny-- and then let go for a little bit afterwards. I do that a lot-- I designate 'strong' and 'fall apart' times for myself in order to get through certain situations and become emotional when I need to.

When does your T come back?

[ECHOES]

((((( sunny )))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You have been through a lot, especially recently! Your health issue, your husband moving out--such a huge step even when it's anticipated, supporting yourself emotionally as well as your kids, and now T being gone... must seem like just too much.

That sounds so hurtful and mean, his asking that the ring be listed as an asset. To me, though I know you don't want to get into a 'tit for tat' divorce war, his doing this changes the 'rules' so to speak. Can you say No to this? Or say Yes but then we'll need to also add other comparable items if this is the direction this is going to take.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I would feel better if T were in town. Even if I didn't call him, at least I would know he is only 10 miles away. That's kind of dumb, I guess. I feel alone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh, sunny not dumb in the least. I can imagine you feel alone with T being gone right now. I also can imagine that he's thinking of you, too.

T is coming back safe and sound to you soon.

I hope you feel better soon and that you'll keep writing here.

[sidony]

Sunrise I am so very sorry for what you are going through. That sounds so amazingly difficult.

I wonder if you should tell your ex how you feel about his asking for the ring (?). And yeah I can definitely see avoiding the penny war. You don't want to get into that. But that must have really hurt. Remember that sometimes people (guys especially) don't view the symbolism of items with the same intensity that others do. But that does sound really hurtful. I'm sorry you've had to go through that.

I'm sorry T's away. I hate it when mine is gone too. He will be back soon. You can talk to us on here until then. But I know how that feels. My T was gone away for a week on a cruise just 2 weeks ago (same week I first started my job), and it was so scary to know that he was gone. Maybe you can squeeze in an extra session once he's back.

Take care,
Sidony

[WinterRose]

I'm sorry sunrise. Sounds like you deserve a few hugs.
((((( sunrise )))))

[Perna]

It's not at all dumb missing your T. Mine use to go out of the country, over to Asia regularly! When we terminated, I gave her a small, artist's, glass paperweight with the "world" in it, the landmasses made from grains of sand. I could remember giving it to her and think of her (now) looking at it and remembering me, no matter where she is :-) It helped/helps me remember she still "exists".

I would maybe pick your husband's biggest/favorite toy to put on the list and "trade" him ("I'll add the ring to the list if you'll add X?"). That could make you feel a little better and more balanced? I'm sorry he wrecked the ring's memory for you. I hope your cyst is going away, when do you get tested again? I had that when my antibiotics were screwed up and it's no fun worrying about health issues when you need to be concentrating on other things.

[pachyderm]

Maybe his lawyer is the one who suggested the ring business...?

[sunrise]

Thanks, everyone, for your support and advice. A lot of times I don't know what to do.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I wonder if you should tell your ex how you feel about his asking for the ring (?). And yeah I can definitely see avoiding the penny war. You don't want to get into that. But that must have really hurt. Remember that sometimes people (guys especially) don't view the symbolism of items with the same intensity that others do.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">sidony, I am pondering what you've written. Maybe I should tell him how I feel. I didn't. I just sucked it up and tried to be businesslike about it. Right now this ring thing is coloring my ability to move forward on other fronts with the divorce. I think it might help to get it out there. I am sure my T will have some thoughts on this.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Maybe his lawyer is the one who suggested the ring business...?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Pachyderm, to me it makes no difference if my husband's lawyer suggested it. My husband is a grown man and is free to take his lawyer's suggestions or not. Also, and this may sound weird, my husband's lawyer is such a sweetie, and very sensitive to stuff like this. I feel he would have counseled my husband NOT to list the ring if my husband had asked him.

I do have some GOOD NEWS. I got a short but sweet e-mail from T this morning, and it lifted my spirits tremendously. I like how he invoked our close relationship by using slang twice in his message. I've done that with him by e-mail too. It reminds me of the phenomenon of "code switching" that I studied in Linguistics in college. People switch between different modes of speech depending on their closeness to each other and the nature of their relationship. I see him later today for our session. This sort of thing with spouses separating and the ring is his bread and butter. I don't know how he'll help me with this, but I know he will.

[lauren_helene]

Sunny I'm sorry your soon to be ex decided to add insult to injury. I'll bet he knew this would do what it is doing to you.

Remember those close to us know our vulnerabilities and try to exploit them sometimes. If you feel that strongly about it you could say to him that you would like to pass that down to your daughter someday.

You probably will pass stuff like that on to her eventually, it just may take 40 years...

I understand wondering what is real anymore. I really like that your T emailed you. Sometimes we just don't need to suffer the way some T's think we do right?

Hugs

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunny))

I remember when T was on vacation I worried about accidents too. I really get your worry. But remember, he's only a phone call away.

I'm so sorry about all the crap you are going through. The intense pressure of being "together" for your kids while you are falling apart inside has got to be excruciating. You're such a good mom.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But I don't want this to become "tit for tat" and escalate into a my penny, your penny war.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Just make sure you take care of yourself here and don't give up to avoid conflict.

Peace & Love & Lots of Hugs. xoxoxoxoxoxox

[sunrise]

I saw T yesterday and it was an emotional session. I think I have gotten to the point with him that I can't hide anything. I just plunk myself down in front of him and can't say anything unless it is honest. I feel compelled. My husband and I had canceled our legal session for later this week and T wanted to know why. So I told him about the emotional last week, and the separation. I tried to tell him about the ring, but it was so very painful. I hadn't realized how painful until I was there in front of him and re-experiencing it, trying to tell him. I cried and cried, and actually sobbed, and T, who was sitting across from me on his couch, said, "I am sitting here and my arm is around you." That made me feel really held. He has never said that before. I guess I needed extra empathy and he gave it.

T was also really sweet when I was trying to tell him about the ring, and he could see I was hurt to the core by this, and I was having a hard time getting it out. He was patient, but then started asking questions, as our session is only so long, and he wanted to help me get it out. One of the first things he asked, was, was this painful thing about him and me, had it happened in our last session. And that just made me feel warm inside that he would think this was about our relationship, rather than an outside event. Like it shows he recognizes the importance of the relationship to me. I know I gave a little smile. It was very sweet of him to think that.

He knows I am so stressed out right now. He said I need to spend some time sleeping and take care of myself. And crying too. Grieving. He said it would help me feel better to sleep and cry. Hmmmm, I have an assignment.

He also told me my feelings are very real and not just hormones, as I had been thinking. He said everyone is upset by events like these, and it is normal.

He also says I need to bring my husband in for another couples session. So now I have to ask him for that. He said we need to talk about the ring together because otherwise it will haunt me for years. Best to get it out now, and that will make moving forward with the divorce easier, the legal meetings and so on. So I agreed to ask my husband to come for another couples session. After I got home I remembered how very hurt I was after our last couples session and I had said I would never do that again. But somehow, T has convinced me to do that again. I was devastated when my husband said he wanted the ring on the assets list. And now I have to go to T's office and be devastated about this again with my husband sitting there witnessing how much this has hurt me. Oy vey. T said it will be all right, he will be there. He said wonderful things can happen in therapy situations like this. And he said, if it goes badly, just tell myself, "that's why I'm getting a divorce." I trust him so I'll do this.

At the end of the session, on my way out, T spread his arms and said "share a hug?" And I came into his arms. He's so tall. I felt safe in his big bear hug, really safe and comforted. I have never been so close to anyone in my life.

[sunrise]

I emailed T today with the information that my husband had agreed to come with me for another couples session. T had told me to email or call him and we would check our schedules and find a time. So in the email I asked if he could call me back so we could align our schedules. But he hasn't called and it makes me feel bad. I can't believe this. It's just a simple return call about a schedule and because it hasn't happened yet, I feel ignored and uncared for. Sheesh, I bug myself sometimes. This is why I don't call him more often. Just think how I would feel if it was really about something important. I just need to hold onto how he is when I am with him (his little fantasy comfort scenario: "I am sitting here and my arm is around you") and not start feeling this irrational upwelling of aloneness just because the phone hasn't rung. Yet. Same old, same old.

I also talked with my lawyer today and she agreed my husband and I need another couples session with T so we can move forward more effectively with the divorce. Great.

Then my husband called tonight and asked what is this meeting with T about? I had been vague before, a tune up, I said, to talk about some issues, etc. We've certainly had a lot going on. I didn't want to say "it's about the ring" because then we would get into it on the phone, and I can't handle it. T said save it for therapy, you need me there to help. But I don't want to be deceptive either. Although I'm sure we will talk about other issues. Arrgghh. As you can tell, I'm a disaster at personal relationships.

[confused4ever]

hey Sunrise,

Ok, wow, on all of it. I want your T.......lol......he sounds wonderful and fully supportive of you in so many ways. I think you should trust him, he isn't going to hurt you. He knows how you feel about the last couples session and I don't think that there will be another one like that one again.

Ok, the ring.....I can't say anything good about why your husband wants it back, so I was always taught to not say anything at all. But I know what your feeling about it, yes your hurt is validated, it isn't hormones!!

I hope your T calls you back soon, I too, do what your doing when I call him or email him and don't hear back, it is amazing what we can let our minds think and what direction we can make them go in. He will call!!!

(((hugs)))