[winterblues17]

I've been in T for a while now, probably longer than I anticipated! We seem to have a really good relationship, built things such as trust etc up over the period of time I've been going. She's been amazing with me really, I honestly don't know what I'd have done without her at times. She gave me a sense of strength when I felt I had none, has been solid, kind and considerate always.

So I know I do have attachment issues, I tend to be anxious/avoident... I long to be close to people, yet at the same time I fear it and push away!
I spent along time in the anxious frame of mind, thinking T would quit on me oneday, it took a lot of work but I got to the point where I trusted that she wouldn't and I felt secure in that which also brought me a lot of relief!
Anyway now I seem to have hit the avoidant part maybe? I have suddenly become quite scared, and part of me wants to run away! I know I'm being rash in this post because it's only really been today I've felt that, and I think maybe it's off the back of a bit of a break and the fact that I know we gonna be touching on some tough stuff next time, but I just suddenly feel really confused!

My mind has gone into what I can only describe as push/pull! I was just wondering if anyone else seems to get this feeling? Is it even a sign of progression? Like I say, I feel we have become closer and starting on something quite deep so maybe it's just the fear of that!

Anyway i suppose I'm wondering if others relate?! I will also speak to my T about this when we next see eachother but just looking for some input in the meantime I suppose!

[Sheffield]

I get this as I too have been in therapy much longer than anticipated(nearly 4 years) but didn't really know what to anticipate after the horrendous failure of the prescribed CAT therapy
Anyway I get this push pull feeling-due to illness of therapist I had a break of 5 weeks over xmas and new year-managed one appointment in January then he became sick again followed by my getting flu and a chest infection and finally uk being choked with snow so no way of meeting-so one session in 10 weeks now and the trauma of the break with no outlet or non judgemental listener is now battling the have I secured myself a bit further away from him and is that a less painful place to be?
We are due to meet in 6 days and I'm almost afraid to go as I know my feelings of relief/coming home /attachment etc will flood back the minute I set foot in the office -part of me feels like terminating part of me is angry with him that I feel this way part of me is counting the days
All in all an unrelenting nightmare

[mostlylurking]

I think the fear of closeness and the fear of getting into this new difficult subject are probably related. Sharing really tough things with someone who cares about you and knows you well is going to another level of intimacy in a way. So I could understand where that anxiety and fear would come forward at the prospect of that even greater connection.

There is nothing that says you have to talk about the difficult stuff next session, so you could reassure this scared part of you by deciding not to talk about it quite yet-- wait another session or two maybe. Instead you could talk to your T (as it sounds like you're planning to) about all the feelings that have come up just at the idea of that discussion.

[malika138]

Winter, I totally get this. You are not alone.

[Lrad123]

All. The. Time. I’ve been in therapy for 6 months and this is something I struggle with just about every single week. Just last week we had a nice session where I was more vulnerable than usual and confessed to googling him. He was so very nice and even welcoming of my curiosity. I left feeling relieved, but now I find myself plotting and scheming, thinking of ways to skip my next session. It’s such a pattern with me now and I’m aware of it on an intellectual level (the whole anxious/avoidant thing) that I know I just need to make myself go each week. It’s quite exhausting though. You are not alone!

[musinglizzy]

Just wanted to share my two cents.....which isn't much. I relate very much to your feelings, and am going to follow this post.

I relate to this big time as well. I have been with my T for 2 years now and she has been very patient with me repeatedly pushing her away and yet wanting to be close. We are just getting to the point where I recognize that feeling when it starts and can bring it up to her. Usually talking about it helps to keep me from acting on it.... usually.... not always....

[Amyjay]

Yes, I get this a ton. Much more than the pull. I have learned over time to just go with it, but not act on it. It helps me to "pretend". If i want to quit therapy I just pretend that I have and that I am not going to go to any more appointments. By the time the next appointment rolls around I don't feel the same way anymore and go to the session as per normal.

[DP_2017]

Constant for me. I like him too much to leave though. So i keep at it. I think leaving aburptly would mess me up worse. I hate the close feelings too. Scary but I'm trying ti learn to embrace

You're definitely not alone. These conflicting "push/pull" feelings make so much sense because we've disorganized attachment: We want intimacy but are also terrified of it!

Originally Posted by winterblues17

I've been in T for a while now, probably longer than I anticipated! We seem to have a really good relationship, built things such as trust etc up over the period of time I've been going. She's been amazing with me really, I honestly don't know what I'd have done without her at times. She gave me a sense of strength when I felt I had none, has been solid, kind and considerate always.

So I know I do have attachment issues, I tend to be anxious/avoident... I long to be close to people, yet at the same time I fear it and push away!
I spent along time in the anxious frame of mind, thinking T would quit on me oneday, it took a lot of work but I got to the point where I trusted that she wouldn't and I felt secure in that which also brought me a lot of relief!
Anyway now I seem to have hit the avoidant part maybe? I have suddenly become quite scared, and part of me wants to run away! I know I'm being rash in this post because it's only really been today I've felt that, and I think maybe it's off the back of a bit of a break and the fact that I know we gonna be touching on some tough stuff next time, but I just suddenly feel really confused!

My mind has gone into what I can only describe as push/pull! I was just wondering if anyone else seems to get this feeling? Is it even a sign of progression? Like I say, I feel we have become closer and starting on something quite deep so maybe it's just the fear of that!

Anyway i suppose I'm wondering if others relate?! I will also speak to my T about this when we next see eachother but just looking for some input in the meantime I suppose!

Sounds like some unconscious stuff starting to come up. Thsts how it goes with me. When out of the blue my fears begin to run wild.
Can take a few sessions to untangle.

[winterblues17]

Thank you so much to everyone that has responded! It will really does help to know sometimes that I'm not alone with all these conflicting feelings.

I'm glad I didn't email in haste and say I felt the urge to quit, because that seems to have settled a little, although it's still a few days yet till my appointment so I'm sure I will be met with those feelings a few more times before then! Currently my frame of mind is back to wanting to feel close, I suppose that's the pull part of the whole push/pull stuff!

Attachment is a hard and scary path to walk down I think for people that are insecure/avoident etc... at least now I think I am well aware what the next sessions focus will be!