Ghosting/ Break Up

It's an interesting juxtaposition to the way I am expected to work, the ethos of it. My boss, who is a good leader, often says we give of ourselves and don't bean count with time, and in that way, good will and generosity comes back , forming a work culture. It seems to me some ( not all) psychologists are bean counters with time in the name of the frame, while presenting themselves to the world as the ultimate people-people. My T is cognac! He is my fav T( and the only one I have ever experienced), and he is intelligent , sensitive, and a huge bean counter . He gets frazzled when someone nabs his NYT from the lobby or even when the nearby office of lawyers makes coffee he can smell in his office . There is a surpassing brilliance to him and that makes him really able to cut to the heart of any conversation, but he is also a tiny bit belligerent about every kind of boundary. I smile to myself wondering what the next door office says about him, having asked to make their coffee smell not at all I think his abilities as a psychologist are exceptional and I am lucky; he is seasoned and experienced with life and broken hearts. On the other hand, he is touchy and fussy about even the smallest demands to his time or upsets to his space. Once the overhead light blinked out in the hallway( not in his office) , and he was just beside himself if and when the building owner would fix it( it was bright daylight in there, and fixed by my next appointment). You can't have everything, and I adore my T. I just think it is a little scary for me he his ethos is so opposite to what I live in my work and personal life, bc his bean counting makes it clear he isn't looking out for me. If I can't tear open all these wounds and still take care of myself, then I need to stop , no matter how much I respect my T. Lol I quoted that he called my childhood a crime scene, and I got about ten pm 's about how that resonates to them too. He is very insightful and eloquent. I don't even want him to change; I just want the coping, grounding skills the other posters found so I can hang in there. Or maybe I do want him to chance a few notches on the caring scale, and check on me when the session is harrowing- like the rule of if he has tears, then he checks on me briefly , which you are right maybe is slopping him around like a wild berry wine cooler and under-rating his value

Don't know if you want my opinion -- but it seems to me there are warning signs throughout your post that the guy is a narcissist and you are beguiled with him. Fortunately your own antenna seem to be sending you clues and you aware of the (possible) danger AND being involved with this guy may very well be an important/interesting learning experience. I hope you will continue to be careful.

While I can't comment on whether or not your therapist is a narcissist (although, from you're description, there are several DSM labels that could be attached to him ), I do agree that you are in dangerous territory.

What you've described (the obsessing with the trauma, the not sleeping, the lack of concentration), it sounds like you're stuck in an "activated" place - and that's not sustainable - something has to give.

If your therapist is unable to give you the grounding tools (or claims he already has but you're not getting it) - there are other resources out there to get these. But the important thing is, it's almost impossible to learn them while simultaneously working through the trauma itself.

I too would advise caution.

And that's the real problem - there aren't a whole lot of options out there.

Esme - thanks for such a descriptive picture. His office DOES feel like a safe place. No weird smells and sights attacking his clients. Now i understand my t's attitude about the the trumpet player who moved in recently. And the dentist who was there a few years ago. I wonder if a bunch of ts voted him out!

Now, seriously, when can he check in with you? When you are with your boyfriend? When you're in a meeting with a client? Wouldnt that be intrusive? I mean, the fantasy is good, but the practicality is not. Maybe its just me (or my horrible relatives etc), but nobody "understands" why your t is calling you. So what does the fantasy MEEEEAN? Its kinda the antithesis of the safe session space. How to drop a big bubble of it into your regular life.

Presumably in the past humans healed from trauma via tribal and community rituals, and through contact with the natural world. They didn't go to a stranger outside the circle and pay them for an artificial relationship that goes on for months or years.

Tribes and communities have broken down in the modern world, but still... therapy on paper looks like something that would compound distress not alleviate it, and seems like a horrible replacement. Just the basic arrangement of brief contact followed by void, what SE is struggling with, and which I found destabilizing also, looks like a train wreck waiting to happen. Plus the therapist's uncertain (or non-existent) investment in the relationship.

Some people have had luck healing with psychoactive plants/substances like ayahuasca and DMT. There are long-estbalished practices like meditation and fasting. Some people report profound changes with multi-day fasts. Not without risk but doesn't require buying into concepts like... you have a disorder and need to buy healing from an expensive pseudo-shaman. And there are support groups. Also, some people might feel "traumatized" because their brain is full of mercury or aluminum or parasites (for example) and no amount of talking is going to fix that.

And if none of those work, there's always exorcisms and trephination.

LOL. That's quite the straw man. The options I mentioned have legit evidence base.

Ironically, I find the psych biz pretty medieval... crude mass drugging, ECT, coercion and intimidation, hospitalization that looks a lot like incarceration, faith-based methods, etc.

It was intended more as playful sarcasm...apologies. I would be curious to know about the legitimate evidence base you mention. I have found that a lot of folks romanticize "primitive" cultures and wisdom without understanding the cultural or historical context (not saying that's what you're doing)...but that discussion should probably be started as another thread in order not to hijack this one.

and don't forget to mention neurofeedback

it was a game changer for me

That is so beautiful. He means well, but yes this

My therapist asked me if I ever felt like I was younger, etc. I said I guess, and they asked me to "speak" to "them". As if it were that easy. Can I please speak to the most wounded, damaged parts of you?

I don't want to be put in a place of the powerless, submissive, neediness, etc, and can't see how it could help.