I'm home sick today and have basically just been waiting for a call from T or pdoc to let me know about my Lithium levels and other bloodwork (Sometimes pdoc tells T stuff and T passes it on to me, which I'm fine with cause I'd rather talk to T unless I have specific questions for the pdoc). Anyway, when I spoke with T yesterday he said that he left a msg. for pdoc to let him know that my depression has been worsening.

So I'm laying on the couch and my cell phone rings and I see it's the number from the center. I pick it up and it's the receptionist. She says, "Dr. P wanted me to call you and let you know that all of your bloodwork is normal. If you have any specific questions you can call him, but he said that any changes, etc. will be discussed at your next session." So I asked her what the specific blood level of my Lithium was and she said she didn't know cause the doctor has my chart.

I hung up the phone and lost it.

My depression is worsening and I should wait until our next appointment for changes? That's 21 days away!!

I started to cry and I was literally shaking. I lost control and SI'ed right on my wrist (don't worry, not deep) and then took my bottle of Lithium and started throwing handfuls down the garbage disposal. I did not throw it all away. I still have some left even though I am not entirely sure I even want to take it. (I know I should, I know it's dangerous to just stop).

Then I left T a msg. like a total %#@&#!. I told him that I lost control and I told him what I did. I said that I probably should have left the message before I did those things, but I just acted on impulse. Then I thanked him for allowing me to leave these types of messages and said that I was going to lay down, try to relax, and remain in control. Which is what I did. I did not tell him not to call back, nor did I tell him to call back.

I am frustrated, depressed, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, disconnected, scared, and confused. And I can't stop sneezing.

[Perna]

Don't make me come up there. . . :-) I'm only an hour and a half away.

{{{pink}}}

[InACorner]

((((((((pinksoil))))))

perhaps ask for an emergency T session?

[smiley1984]

At what point would you consider going to hospital?
I totally understand about how much work/study you have to do but realistically what else can your T do? He can't and it isn't his job to be there 24/7 - He can see you X times per week but if you need more than that, maybe you should be in a place that provides it. and it sounds like you are having a bad time with meds and being jerked around by drs. for the past few weeks which must REALLY suck.
But in hospital they can't ignore you and forget about you and they can see how bad it really is.
I don't mean taking months off work/intern etc but maybe a week or so. Would you fail your internship if you had sick leave for a week?

If you are this bad, you are not going to be able to do these things anyway.

What does your husband think??

Keep trying

My internship requires a certain number of hours-- 700 to be exact. I need to be done with this in May in order to graduate. I cannot take time off and lose those hours.

I have 2 significant papers due before the end of this semester. One is due a week from today and I feel like I'm %#@&#!.

I guess there is nothing else my T can do. But I don't see what the hospital can do either besides take me away from the things that are important to me. I mean, the depression already has, in a sense-- but at least I still have a chance to push myself in order to get things done.

[kebsfroggy]

I can understand your frustration. And you have so much on your plate with school. I don't know how you do it.

I stopped taking my lithium just couldn't handle it. Pdoc thinks I should be taking it but I'm not convinced so it is on my list of topics for next visit.

Have to say I'm really lucky. Pdoc always returns my calls, usually after his last patient of the day. Only time he didn't call he was out of town and I spoke with someone else in his office.

Can't offer any suggestions. I would definitely let pdoc know you are not taking the lithium.

Take care of yourself

I'm still taking it. I just threw a fair amount down the garbage disposal. But I have some left. And refills. I will continue taking it.

T always returns my calls but apparently I have to say "call me back." I didn't say that this time, so I guess no call. :-(

I love you pink, remember that...I hope you are well soon....!
Dustin

[ECHOES]

(( pink ))

I am thinking of you and hoping you are getting through today okay and that T calls you back even though you didn't ask him to.

[sunrise]

pink, I'm sorry about that really unsatisfactory call from you pdoc's office, and that you are feeling so bad now. Do you think you would feel better if you took action about the pdoc phone call? How about if you call his office back and say you would like to know your test results before your next meeting with pdoc and could they please send you a copy in the mail? I do this all the time with tests, as I find the nurses at my doctor's office to not be very thorough or attend to details when they call me with results. If I have the lab results in hand, I can read them myself and come prepared with questions to my next doctor's appointment.

These are your test results, they are obligated to give them to you if you request them. There is no need to wait 21 days.

Hang in there. (((hugs)))