Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Dear T,
Now to pare down this novel of an e-mail I typed to you...
LT

I came into session today expecting the worst and was shocked to find the place oozing with acceptance, compassion and positive regard. HOW can you be so nice to me? How can you be so caring? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. Funny how, with a gesture of your hand, a warm smile and one sentence, you can wipe away one week's worth of worry and anxiety. I think I f*(king love you.

Dear T,
I totally printed out that e-mail and edited it by hand, then transferred the changes, then edited some more. I think you'd probably find that amusing. I hope it makes sense to you and you're kind and understanding in your response. As I mentioned in the e-mail, it would be good to be able to come to session on Monday and get back to regular work, instead of spending the whole hour discussing our relationship again. I mean, if that's how it has to be, OK. But I'd rather pay a fee for a longer e-mail response if it could possibly mean doing non-therapeutic-relationship work Monday (not sure I could take another session like Tuesday's--that was exhausting on multiple levels).

LT

Today was really hard even though I don't believe about the thing that supposedly happened. I appreciate that you said to call you if I feel like I'm having trouble dealing with any of it, but I was fibbing when I said I would. I think maybe you know that. I am tempted, though. But the thing is, I'm not going to call you so I can just breathe through the phone at you.

I'm sad

8 characters

why did u have to change
why can't you just keep on taking care of me
you said you set boundaries because you care
I miss you from 3 years ago
why does it feel like my fault
why does it feel like you don't care anymore

Why won't I let myself call you?

I can't believe how much you hate me now. This has to be a nightmare.

I give up. I fail at being an adult. I wasn't trained properly. I should just go check myself into the state hospital for life

Thanks for the responses and further explanation. Unfortunately, though, I already cancelled the session with J. And, since I told him the reason was that you aren't comfortable with me seeing another T unless you're gone for an extended period of time, I kind of doubt he'll see me in July.

Honestly, it's probably for the best. J isn't even the right T for me to go to if something happens to you... he's just my back-up T because he was there when S left, and so we have that history. But, actually, he's not who I should end up with if something happens to you.

And, yes, I'm currently obsessed with the worry of something happening to you.

I am glad you honestly tell me about your thoughts and feelings though -- S used to make me feel crazy by denying the reactions and changes in him that I KNEW I was seeing. With you, I know I can ask and get an honest answer -- I don't have to guess or jump through hoops trying to guess your next move or what your reactions to things will be.

I know you feel 'bleh' about the fact that S understands me and knows what I'm thinking so easily while you really have to work at it... I admit that there is something desirous about a person (especially one in a 'caretaker role') who gets me like that...who I don't have to explain everything to... who just knows. (After all, isn't that like...the ultimate 'perfect mom?' The one who can know the baby's needs without her even having to cry?) BUT... there's also a lot of benefit to the explaining.

Yeah, my emotional connection with S (emphasis on MY side of the connection...not his) was very intense and hit very deep because he understood and knew me so well (or at least seemed to), but it didn't help ME know MYSELF better.... even though the explaining can sometimes frustrate me in moments when I'm desperately desiring for you to understand (because you understanding makes me feel connected to you), it also helps me to actually pay attention to my thought processes and the "why" behind the things I'm thinking or feeling.

Yeah. It makes me feel taken care of when S says assertive things like "I know what's going on in your head right now, and TMC, I need you to calm down for me...*insert reassurance here*" ... but after 4 years, I also know it's just words. He says all the right things, but at the end of the day, his words are empty, because there's no action. Maybe there used to be, but there's not anymore. His words are like giving me pain killers without doing anything for the injury. They wear off, and then I just want more, because it still hurts...and because now I've had a taste of it not hurting. And, over time, they become less effective.

They've become ineffective. Now, they just hurt.

I would rather explain it to you than have him just know. Because I know that I can depend on you. I can trust what you say you'll do. I can trust what you say you think and believe. Your words aren't empty.

And now I'm done with the flattery :P

well I emailed you about money and payments. now I'm crying and just so tired of feeling bad all the time. life is stupid and pointless for me. I don't get it. and the thing that bothers me the most is that its all for no reason. I don't want a part of it anymore I don't want to exist anymore. I'M TIRED

Dear T,
I suppose you're writing me back tomorrow, which is totally fine--I think you said at one point you don't generally e-mail past 10 or else clients will expect it. And I know you try to reply within 24 hours. I trust you will write back (unlike when I'd e-mail ex-MC or ex-T)--just nervous about what you'll say and if you'll get what I was trying to convey.

LT

PS: Though right now, what I want most, is immediate advice (like a magic spell or something) on how to get a 7-year-old to go to sleep...hoping it's not 11 again tonight...

Pick your battles with our grandson, we started out when he was younger with playing the same something over and over again, we did rotate occasionally. The idea was the comfort and familiarity of the item would help calm, and the repetitiveness would bore. Like anything, it didn't work all the time. Now that he is 7, it's much easier; however, we don't have him as much and we are not dealing with a child on the spectrum.

When I worked in the group homes, with one child that had trouble with going to bed, the rule was just that he had to be in his room and quiet. This also did not work all the time and often we'd have to sit at his door so he could see we were there.

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for sitting with and holding my feelings. Now what will we do with what I shared?

-me

Thanks, Elio! Part of her thing is she keeps asking us to come into her room for various reasons--she wants a marker (to color), she wants different socks/pants, she wants to be tucked in under blankets, she wants to move from bed to sleeping on body pillow on the floor, and other reasons. I think we need to start setting more limits (though attempts to do that tonight led to her laying in there and sobbing...) I think we just need to say that one of us can come in x number of times, then that's it (unless, of course, she's sick or hurt or something).

Once I'm sure youngest is fine I say "that's it, I'm not coming up again, see you in the morning," and if he shouts "mum" again after that (Which of course he does) I just don't immediately answer. He's free to come downstairs if it is something serious but more often than not it is just habit.

Sorry I'm hung over.

The critic's being pushy again. I want to work with you, not deal with it. Right now I don't have the time to do the kind of useful introspective work that might bring some clarity to this, but I am hoping to be able to do so before we next meet.

I need to learn not to be afraid of my emotions, and I don't know where to begin. I am hoping that we will work this out together.

See you Thursday.

I felt terrible last night and wanted to hurt myself but I was just tired. I'm okay now. Miss you. Or not. I'm not sure. Do you exist?

I feel hurt and hopeless. I don't want to go to our last appointment today. I know it will make me feel worse. I feel abandoned and rejected even though I'm the one who chose to leave.

Not that you care at all but your brilliant plan has thrown me into a deep depression. I haven't eaten anything since you cancelled on me.

Thank you for the extra session, it was helpful even though I am feeling hung over. That was a nice hug. I like it when you squeeze.

New Dear T thread https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...art-xxxii.html

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