Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Oh, it probably is why she showed up, but you can block her profile in settings so she doesn’t show up. She won’t know.

No. 3 showed up a couple times for me, so I blocked her.

Good lord I miss you and I just saw you last night, this is ridiculous. I'm so tired of feeling close to someone like this.

You are totally not gonna reply to my email, but whatever... I feel mostly okay about it. I guess you don't know what the f*** to say and I don't blame you.

Yeah, okay, my stomach is still doing a flip every time I see an email notification.

I am left with enormous, overwhelming, excruciating sadness.

T,

My head is a huge mess and you're not here to help me sort it out...

6 days?

That's the worst, isn't it? I hate that feeling but know it well.

Yeah it sucks... and it's always just another bloody spam email...

Dear T,
Earlier today I was feeling really sad, so I laid down to rest a bit. I pulled out the rock you lent me and held it on my chest for a while, like pressed it against my skin with my hand. It got warm (yeah, I know, as stones do!) and almost felt like it was a part of me for a bit. It had a rather soothing effect. I worry this would weird you out if I actually told you--maybe I'll just share that I held it in my hand or something? But, it helped. Hopefully at some point, I'll be able to feel you there with me without needing some external object (it got that way with ex-MC eventually, but, well, you know how that turned out...). I guess it will just take more time...glad I have the stone in the meantime though.
Love,
LT

Why do you think the Tshould care for you more than you do. If you have no emotion a l reaction why would you hold T to a different standard of caring? I don't think it's realistic to ask my T to work harder than me at getting better. Please care just a little about yourself so you can get a little better. You ARE worth it!!

Well first of all I never used the word "should." I said "want." I never suggested that my therapist was obligated to care about me.

More importantly however, while I know that you're trying to be helpful, insinuating that not caring about myself is a lack of work on my part is hurtful and harmful.

I don't have to work to care about others. Many of the people I care about struggle with a lack of self-worth and/or a lack of compassion for themselves, and I don't see myself as somehow "working harder" than they are at their recovery, and I don't think that they don't deserve my compassion or that they have to somehow earn my compassion by curing themselves of their mental illness/deep seeded issues caused by years of trauma before they're worthy of being cared about.
Compassion for oneself is very different than compassion for others. And putting the blame on me for somehow just not working hard enough only adds to the problem.
I can't just flip a switch in my brain and decide to feel compassion for myself just because I want to. That's the whole problem. It's no more helpful to tell me to care about myself than it is to tell me to be happy to cure my depression or tell me to stop worrying to cure my anxiety. And, given this, your comment was basically telling me that I don't deserve to be cared about. I really hope that was not the message you actually intended to convey.

Just wanted to say that I'm very similar, that I find it much easier to feel compassion for others than for myself. And I'm harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And it doesn't help to have someone tell me just to feel better. If I could have flipped a switch to turn off my anxiety and depression, I'd have done that years ago. No one chooses to feel this way. You deserve to be cared for, by your T and by others.

T, someone else went to see B today. I'm very worried.

Wow, th a wasn't my intention AT ALL. I am not asking you to cure yourself of depression or anything else. I didn't even say you used the word should or intimated that the T was obligated to care. I didn't put a y blame on you or say you weren't working hard, just that therapy works better if you want it more than your T.Did not even talk about you feeling compassion for others Just asking you to explore why you can't feel compassion for yourself. You are a human being and therefore worthy of care and compassion. You DO deserve it and I genuinely meant that, so stop reading into each word and accept it for just what it says at face value. I was reacting someone who I thought was hurting and would appreciate some compassion/ caring, but if you can't receive it, I tried. I hope you don't treat other people like this who are trying to be supportive. I don't ***** all over people and I would like the same respect in return.
I had a pretty crappy couple of days myself, but my intention was genuine. Accept it in the spirit of was given. No harm was implied or intended by me.

Looking so forward to seeing you tomorrow!!!

Deejay, I think maybe there was a miscommunication because the only part of what you said that sounded supportive was the last sentence. The rest sounded critical. Maybe your recent crappy couple of days got in the way of you conveying your true intentions (and sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch).

It was all meant in a genuine caring way for someone who I thought really needed it. Yet it seems there was so much reading between the lines instead of just accepting it at face value she morphed it into something else. IRL those who know me would say I am the last one who would harm or be hurtful to anyone. I DO BELIEVE THAT EVERY HUMAN BEING IS WORTHY OF COMPASSION. My heart hurt for her!

Dear Dr. S,

After today's MC, I'm not so sure we ever really repaired the rupture from last year. It's hard to tell with the storm that hit my life all around the same time. I hope I can talk about this with you tomorrow. I'd already been questioning it before MC.

Miss, want, love you.
me

everything is bad. i keep having visions of all these horrible, horrible things happening to me but the weird this is i WANT them to happen??? idk what this means

also i just want to say i'm sorry. i'm so, so sorry. there is so much i haven't told you, so much i've held back, and i know i'm really hurting myself with that but also i feel like if i tell you, then you won't trust me anymore. i want you to trust me. i'm so scared to tell you so many things, and that makes me feel very stupid. i just don't know how to bring them up. but i'm also tired of talking about the same old things. you and i both know that rehashing these things isn't helping, and we both know that there is something more or else i wouldn't need therapy anymore. the problem is you can't just figure out what the "more" is... i have to tell you. but idk how. i am so scared. but i guess i have three months to figure it out.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so very tired of crying to you because I feel so overwhelmed about school.Do or die.
My brain is broken.
I didn't SH but did eat my feelings.
And now i feel so yuck.
I'm angry at you for making me so weak.
I hate your stupid face and I don't want to see you again.

Hugs if you want one. I hate myself and wish T would actually hit me, slap the eff out of me too.

Hi...sometimes...I feel so uncared about. I know I'm supposed to self care. I do it. It's so lonely though. Literally caring for myself because no one else would care. Or because I don't want to be a bother, to cause worry in others.

Why don't I ever have the courage and fool hardiness to just cut deep...even with SH, I'm "good" by being so safe. No one cares. No one gives a **** unless things are serious and bad enough. Everything mild gets dismissed. Sometimes I wish so bad the pain can be seen.

wow I hate you

but not really