Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

You're not bad for one of those therapist types.

That was weird... with the cupboard.

You made me smile. Thank you.

You suck, pretty sure we are done. F you, you liar.

ok so t. i did some-a that typical of me figuring **** out while driving this morning. sure wish i'd scheduled for this week just cuz i don't wanna wait til next week to discuss it!! but it's no bigs. i got this. and the more i understand where my feelings are coming from, WHY i feel the way i do about you, the easier it is. i understand SO MUCH now.

i love you.

and i know why.

and i can deal with it.

how about that.

purely in my own world and my T, whenever i am feeling stuck (which is near constant), I am convinced my T is ready to boot me. She never is, and always explains to me that she is with me wherever I am at. She DID let it slip last night that it might not be at the same pace that she is used to (lol, i am extremely slow, i know), but as long as i feel like i'm being helped, that is all that matters.

Dear T,
I’m going to no longer be needing your services anymore I know this is hard for me but let’s face it we haven’t been having the best of good times lately. T remember it’s not you it’s me and patients break up with therapists all the time. I guess I’m going to have to ghost you it is what my friend say I should do but they are right I can’t face you and I sure enough can’t call you because I’m scared and I’ve pondered the whole letter thing but again my friend says no one writes letters anymore which is true and naturally you do not have a email so again remember it’s not you it’s me and I wish you the best of luck. Bobcat

I love you. Feeling it pretty strong. Wonder what Thursday will bring with no mc between this week.

Thanks velcro. I think what worries me is that I'm not feeling stuck so if he is, maybe everything I'm thinking about the work is wrong. I know the worry is triggered by the fact T1 randomly interrupted me mid sentence once and said "do you feel stuck?" And him feeling stuck was the beginning of the end for that relationship.

I'm getting back into drugs again (like, more than usual lol) which usually indicates that I'm manic but I've been more depressed than ever. I need you to get inside my head! Hope I'm not dead by the time August rolls around and I can see you again. Hopefully I won't have gotten fired by then.

I understand, but I'm beginning to have other thoughts running away with me right now! How long can I sit this out for I dunno, but I am trying although I feel an epic fail coming up soon I suppose

Had a nightmare that you're angry with me...

I'm anxious

why does every day have to be such a battle

I'm tired of it!!!

I’ve emailed. The long wait of will you won’t you reply. Why do I do it to myself.

Dear T,
Just sitting here hanging out with my feelings. Will likely e-mail you later this week but for now, just sitting. And also trying to figure out exactly what those feelings are. And what I'd possibly want you to say or do about them. But for now, sitting.
LT

Do you journal? That's been helpful for me

so I'm seeing u tomorrow. in the email you brought up talking about my plans for payment. I'm scared to talk about it. I'm scared of everything

Is there something going on in your life that's affecting you? I can't figure out why things feel different with you.

You replied. I can rely on you. I adore you.

I loved your half-serious/half-playful response to my half-serious/half-playful email.

This in-between is feeling longer than they usually do lately, dang it! But that's ok. It's good practice for me, sitting w all the feels I immersed myself in to figure out where my feelings for you came from. It's funny how I'd been able to separate the memories from the feelings and relive the memories themselves without the stupid feels.

Curses. Feelings can kiss my *** today.

Maybe I will try to poem them away.

did you write that in an email cause u feel awkward about it too?

you don't normally write things like that.

t, i'm struggling with emotional hunger today. i know it for what it is, which i guess is a good thing? i know it's because i've been immersed in my feelings the past few days. funny how it was completely gone for what, a little over 4 months? and now i feel it again as if it never left.

why did you have to ask that question?!

Oh, because you were doing your job. Stop being so conscientious, would you?

ha just kidding. keep on being you.

I will figure this out.

t it also doesn't help that h is in one of his 'moods' again. he's being all overly dramatic about his allergies acting up. ****. everybody's allergies are acting up right now. i swear to gosh i want to run away from home right now and just get away from him, from myself, from therapy, from everything.