i feel like krap. i have been sick all day, i just woke up from a 3 hr nap and i am really woozy/nauseated. i am a bit worried that it's my meds now because after this morning's round of being sick i don't know if i lost my pills along with my breakfast (sorry for being gross). It just adds to the bad feelings i already had.

about yesterday's session... it's gone. poof. gone. i barely remember anything about it.

wtf?

i know i told him i was afraid to go deeper because i felt like i wouldn't be able to trun back. i know i told him about a new friend that i have and how i have no clue what to do with the situation. i told him about former T not saying hi... and i know we ended in some kind of high anxiety discussion about me needing him to understand how bad i feel in here.

that sounds like a lot.. but read it again, it's just a few sentences and i don't remember the conversations, just the basic topic.. i remember next to nothing of what he said.

i don't understand. This happened once before and there have been times when i seem to forget chunks of a session. i was there, i know i was.. i didn't "check out" or anything, i know i had been thinking over the conversations last night.. but now they are like trying to remember a dream.

the conversation was kind of loaded, especially at the end. i think i lead him around in circles. It's not his fault, i think he's a very good T... it's just that i am really, really good at doing that.

i do remember me insisting that he tell me he understood how bad it was/is and i remember him saying something to effect of he didn't know what else he could do other than tell he does. He said something about my need to know that.. something.. %#@&#!. Something about the need getting louder.. i think.. maybe. Uggh..i hate this!

tomorrow i'll go in like an idiot... he'll ask me if i want to pick up where we were or if i want to talk about something else and i'll just stare at him and blink. Blink, blink, blink. Vacant. No body home in here.

i truly do not want to waste a session trying to re-do Tuesday's session.

i gott a go.. i'm getting nauseous again.

[pegasus]

I'm sorry you are feeling ill.

I have many sessions like that where I can't remember what was said, and it is irritating not being able to recall some vital information.

To try to help this situation I now write down as much as I can straight after the session. I usually read it a few times later on and think, Gosh! Did we really talk about that! Sometimes it just takes a while to process what is going on ya know.

Take care hope you feel better soon.

[Gravity]

I am with you 100%. I have a fabulous memory, I mean crystal clear memory. But ask me what i talked about in therapy on Monday....NO CLUE. Could not even tell you! It sucks because it makes me feel like I am at a disadvantage when it comes to control of my sessions. I hate HATE HATE that my T makes the connections before I do. But then again, if I can't even remember what I said two days ago, then maybe it's better that he does!

[ECHOES]

Not remembering is okay and is a normal part of the process.

I forge too. And I've called T several times, then have to laugh and ask what I said because I couldn't remember.

It's okay and it's what happens, so let it be something to look at and explore as part of therapy.

If you told T you forget he/she wouldn't be surprised or offended. They completely understand it's part of the process.

really? Now that i did not know. i've never come across it anywhere, but it does make some sense. i don't like it one bit.

Gravity, do we ever have control of anything in therapy? i fear i am now at a point at which i lose all shred of illusion of control and i am not happy about it at all.

thanks for the well-wishes.. it sucks to be sick.

[ihope4life]

i don't think i could ever stand to not be in control of therapy. I don't know about forgetting therapeutic topics, I tend to remember what I think was important.

[sunrise]

hi gerber, could you be forgetting a lot of the session because you were sick (or coming down with something)? My cognitive functions are really bad when I'm sick!

I had a couples session once, and discovered later there were large chunks I didn't remember at all. It was a very, very painful session, plus I had this painful stuff going on with T to top it off. Later in an individual session, T and I were going over some of what happened in couples, and we discovered I was missing large pieces of it. He told me I had dissociated due to the pain, and he would help me with that in the future, by keeping closer watch on me and keeping me there with him by being extra connected.

If you think you were dissociating, maybe you could tell your T and he can help you stay there.