Any ideas please?

I have this obsessive need to be able to look at my therapist in session and I have no idea where this strong need comes from.

Some sessions I cannot look at her at all and I come out of session extremely distressed and with suicidal thoughts.
Some sessions I can glance up a few times very briefly and that is when I deem a session to have gone better, although it still frustrates me that those few times weren’t enough.

I bring it up all the time in emails and she knows how it affects me, but she never brings it up and I can’t bring it up in session because I just don’t know where it’s all coming from.

It’s not eye contact necessarily.. I like it when she’s not looking at me and I glance up for a second and look at her, but then I can’t look for very long because it’s almost like she can’t catch me looking. It feels shameful or like I’m not allowed.

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts which might spark some thoughts for me. I think my fixation on this is hindering my progress.

No idea, I have no issues with eye contact so I'm always looking at mine.

Can you maybe ask if she is ok with you taking a photo of her or if she has one already on her website can you print it and look at that?

Hmm. I avoided any eye-contact with my therapist for about 5-years — but then I was avoiding eye-contact with anyone during that period, too. He called me out at our very first session. I’m joyfully looking the strangest stranger in the eyes now.

I ‘get’ what you’re expressing, though. I think that the looking/not-looking dynamic expresses the degrees of trust that we feel with our therapists. The higher degrees of trust — in which we’ve revealed our most intimate experiences — the greater the degrees of shame.

There are those things that we dare not do with our most intimate friends — our therapists — /not friends. We’re not to touch (I did shake hands upon arriving/taking leave with one long-term therapist) nor to become intimate with these people as friends.

Because we don’t touch, we have to relate to our therapists with body-postering and eye contacts which, I think you’ll agree, can be confusing. I’m not a perfect patient; sometimes I can write my confusions and (metaphorically) slip then under my therapist’s door, sometimes just blurt out what’s bothering me.

Sometimes we’re not up for a formal dance with our therapists. If you can allow yourself to confront your therapist about these common feelings, I think that it may mitigate the shame and confusion that you feel.

Best of luck.

I have the exact same problem except I don't really know if I want to look at him I just can't. I dissociate quite frequently and I know that when I'm dissociative I cannot look at him at all I try to look at him as much as possible but that is only maybe once or twice a session.

I totally get the feeling that I like when I'm able to look at him when he's not looking at me I don't want to get caught looking at him. It does feel like I'm doing something wrong or bad or forbidden.

I have not discussed it with my therapist at all but you may try bringing it up in an actual session rather sending an email on it if it continues to bother you. For me personally I'm just too embarrassed to bring it up in any fashion maybe someday.

I've still not mastered looking at T after 15yrs. Sometimes whrn in in a certain "state" I do. But mostly I dont.
It doesn't hinder progress. I mean once upon a time. The client lays down and didn't look at the T. The transference works more that way.
Maybe you will one day, maybe you won't. It's not something I'm concerned about Anymore.

I could have written the exact same thing Blacky. I’m fine looking at people in the eye in “real life”. But my therapist? Nope. I know her shoes, rug and everything on the floor. I also look at her when she’s looking away and had a moment the other day where I didn’t realise she had glasses! I have feelings of embarrassment, shame, and I also get very shy like I did when I was a child which really annoys me, but I understand it because I feel about 7 sometimes!

I have spoken to her about it and I’ve told her how important it is to me to look at her in the eye. She and I to a degree, think it’s about feeling vulnerable and letting her in. I’m really going to try when I next see her though.

If it's important to you then I think you probably need to bring it up in session yourself. If that's difficult maybe you could read something you wrote about it in an email.

Also, maybe you could choose moments to look at her, like decide in advance that you will look at her at the beginning of the session right when you sit down and at the end when you get up. That way you'll be sure to satisfy that need.

You said that you have expressed this in email but have you expressed the feelings of shame around it and how it is something that you feel you need to work on but cannot bring it up in session? Tell T that you need her to start the conversatiin. Sometimes i find that if something is difficult it is easier to email exactly what I need from her.

I have felt that I want to look at my T like a baby looks at its mom. I told my T this. I found it helpful sitting in silence and looking.

Thank you for all your replies. Very helpful.

I think that by looking at her and she catches me looking, I am afraid that I will reveal something to her - maybe some feelings towards her that I am not allowed to have. I think the feeling is mainly that objectively I think she’s pretty, but to me, even that isn’t allowed.

I dont think I could tell her exactly that.. but I think I could start with ‘I’m afraid that I’ll reveal something that isn’t allowed.’