[LaraR4444]

There have been a few times in the short amount of time that I've spent with mental health professionals where I'd say something and they had no comment.

It made me feel like I hung them up or said something really out there. Which I felt must be really, really out there if your therapist is daunted.

Has this happened to others? What does it mean? Am I that weird or messed up? Or is it just a thing they do?

[unaluna]

I think they are just waiting to hear your own reaction to the thing. Thats what matters, really, more than their reaction. They need to see where we are NOW about it - is it like it happened yesterday, or a lifetime ago? Or something like that. How we stand in relation to it.

Maybe they were giving you room to feel about what you had just said.

[Lemoncake]

I always end up crying in those silences. Usually it's to give you space to explore your own feelings.

[SalingerEsme]

My T does this often. He picks and chooses topics. I find myself doing it in return, letting a ventured comment by hm go by and choosing another. It becomes like chess.

[hprodf]

I think it's fairly commonly used to allow you (and them) the chance to process what you've said.

Bear in mind therapy is about the individual, so even if they've heard the issues you discuss before, they need to consider how to support you in a way that's effective for you individually.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

My T does this often. He picks and chooses topics. I find myself doing it in return, letting a ventured comment by hm go by and choosing another. It becomes like chess.

Have you talked about that? ('Cos it sounds like it could be a problem.)

[CantExplain]

It's one of those T techniques that I felt was manipualtive. Stopdog would say "wily".

[LaraR4444]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's one of those T techniques that I felt was manipualtive. Stopdog would say "wily".

I clearly really felt I needed feedback or something. Maybe if I understood what was going on, it wouldn't matter. I assume they can't do that though because it would mess up my natural responses.

Or maybe it's just because I never built up trust. The one I saw the most, it seems like he just wasn't offering what I thought I needed. I wanted someone to tell me when I was doing things wrong and he just kept trying to make me feel better, or that's what I felt like. Maybe he was just trying to get information out of me, but it scared me.

Don't know if that's a lack of trust, a poor therapist match, wrong expectations on my part, or a bad therapist.

[JaneTennison1]

I've told t before that when she doesn't say anything I feel alone in the room and I don't get the point. She has tried to be more active since then.

[Fuzzybear]

I’ve felt this technique to be manipulative.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I’ve felt this technique to be manipulative.

So said cant explain. Meaning, it is manipulative for ts to decide that you should talk more?

But then, wouldnt it be equally manipulative for the client to decide when the t should talk?

Why not look at it benignly, as tho both parties are just giving the other space to talk?

This i think is one way "the relationship" plays out - like if your mother is manipulative, you would interpret ts silence here as manipulative. Whereas in fact the t has done nothing.

[LaraR4444]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Meaning, it is manipulative for ts to decide that you should talk more?

With me, it didn't make me want to talk. I answered someone's question with something important, clearly felt like what I said warranted and needed a response, and they said absolutely nothing. I imagine that ends the conversation for virtually everyone. If it was supposed to inspire me to talk more, it wasn't working, so clearly not effective for me or that stage of our relationship. Maybe if they just wanted to see if I would clam up or get scared, that worked. I've spent years wondering if something was terribly wrong with me.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

With me, it didn't make me want to talk. I answered someone's question with something important, clearly felt like what I said warranted and needed a response, and they said absolutely nothing. I imagine that ends the conversation for virtually everyone. If it was supposed to inspire me to talk more, it wasn't working, so clearly not effective for me or that stage of our relationship. Maybe if they just wanted to see if I would clam up or get scared, that worked. I've spent years wondering if something was terribly wrong with me.

For me, if the therapist had proved to be trustworthy in other areas, which they didn’t, this .....

I did wonder too if he was wanting to see if I clammed up or got scared. Also it wasn’t a good way, with me, to get to the meaty bit (his term. Meat)

I do feel that silence isn’t necessarily hostile. Some words, however can be.

I do think my family of origin was manipulative.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

There have been a few times in the short amount of time that I've spent with mental health professionals where I'd say something and they had no comment.

It made me feel like I hung them up or said something really out there. Which I felt must be really, really out there if your therapist is daunted.

Has this happened to others? What does it mean? Am I that weird or messed up? Or is it just a thing they do?

I've had that too and I didn't like it.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

There have been a few times in the short amount of time that I've spent with mental health professionals where I'd say something and they had no comment.

It made me feel like I hung them up or said something really out there. Which I felt must be really, really out there if your therapist is daunted.

Has this happened to others? What does it mean? Am I that weird or messed up? Or is it just a thing they do?

- It made me feel like I hung them up or said something really out there -

I relate to this feeling. It was even verbalised by a sub optimal therapist.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I do feel that silence isn’t necessarily hostile. Some words, however can be.

Aha! That's it. I felt (and still feel) silence and neutrality as hostile.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Aha! That's it. I felt (and still feel) silence and neutrality as hostile.

Well. That'sssssssss. On. You.

Okay, THAT wasnt exactly neutral! But shirley they're not doing that?!

[autonoe]

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

With me, it didn't make me want to talk. I answered someone's question with something important, clearly felt like what I said warranted and needed a response, and they said absolutely nothing. I imagine that ends the conversation for virtually everyone.

This is exactly how I feel about this method. My therapist does this constantly. I tell him something that I feel is big, and he says nothing, and then just stares at me. And then I say nothing. And we sit in silence. I've been going to him for months now, so I feel like he should see that this doesn't do a thing to help me. I need feedback or guidance or something besides a "hmm" and a stare. When he gives me silence, I feel like he's thinking what I said is pointless or that he didn't hear me at all. I do realize my reaction could be a reaction to my former therapist who was...not compassionate, to say the least.

[LaraR4444]

Originally Posted by autonoe

This is exactly how I feel about this method. My therapist does this constantly. I tell him something that I feel is big, and he says nothing, and then just stares at me. And then I say nothing. And we sit in silence. I've been going to him for months now, so I feel like he should see that this doesn't do a thing to help me. I need feedback or guidance or something besides a "hmm" and a stare. When he gives me silence, I feel like he's thinking what I said is pointless or that he didn't hear me at all. I do realize my reaction could be a reaction to my former therapist who was...not compassionate, to say the least.

Yes, the stare. I didn't say anything about it because I wasn't sure I wasn't imagining it.

[unaluna]

Okay... but now i am telling you why your t is doing that. This is the moment of the baby chick hatching from its shell. A human observer might be tempted to help the chick by poking thru the shell, but that dooms the chick. The chick builds the strength it needs to survive by doing ALL the work itself.

Would it help if your t told you that? What exactly would you want your t to say at that point? Why does it seem like - pardon the expression - a game of chicken? I hate that it seems that so many therapies get derailed at this point.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Well. That'sssssssss. On. You.

Okay, THAT wasnt exactly neutral! But shirley they're not doing that?!

If the T relationship is to be intimate and trusting, I'd like to get a more positive response from a T than from a stranger.

[autonoe]

Yes, it would help me if my therapist explained what he is doing by saying nothing. For a long time, I thought it was me, that what I was expressing was unimportant or meaningless. I left many sessions thinking, "What did I say wrong? Maybe I shouldn't be coming. Maybe my problems are stupid." It was only through this forum that I learned that this is a common method. It would have helped tremendously if he would simply say, "Now I'm giving you time and space to say more about how you feel about what you just said."

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Okay... but now i am telling you why your t is doing that. This is the moment of the baby chick hatching from its shell. A human observer might be tempted to help the chick by poking thru the shell, but that dooms the chick. The chick builds the strength it needs to survive by doing ALL the work itself.

Surely the T is more than a spectator?

(I think we're getting close to the core here.)

[velcro003]

My previous T was definitely more of a blank-slate T. She knew how terrified I was of the silences, and that I shut down, but she never changed her methods very much. I do know she tried, but it always fell short for me.

My current T knows that silences only make me feel worse, and make me shut down further. She also knows that verbalizing things in the room with her is very difficult, so she encourages me to write. She intuitively can tell when a silence has run its course and nothing more will be coming from me, so she will break it, and it helps.