[nikon]

A while ago, like almost three years ago, I was in treatment for something and saw a therapist there.
I ended up talking about a lot of things that I hadn't talked about before, but now I look back on some of the sessions and feel paralysing shame. Memories pop up and I feel like smacking myself in the face to get them out of my head, because I hate them.

For example, I have had issues around sex for as long as I can remember, including not having any interest in (or being unable to be) intimate relationships, despite having a libido, and being ashamed about having a sexual side. At one point my shame around this got overwhelming, to the point of having panic attacks and feeling like I needed to "confess" it to someone, and I told my therapist in treatment.

We ended up having one session on that , which was more like an interview. He just asked an endless list of questions and looking back on it, some of them were very medical and invasive. Now when memories of this come up I feel sick with shame that this happened and that I ever had this conversation with someone. I see another therapist now and have tried to talk about sexual issues a couple of times, but I feel so ashamed I just don't want to open up that topic again.

The therapist I saw before was harmful in other ways, unrelated to this specific topic, and over the past year the people who worked with him have seemed to realise that he wasn't a very ethical therapist. I feel a bit more validated now that others have had this realisation, but it hasn't changed the fact that I have a whole lot of memories I just want to get rid of. I am frustrated that I still feel ashamed of my sexuality and have issues with that part of life, but I feel sick at the thought of trying to talk about it in therapy again.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I'm an old man now. But I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria. It began before I even have any memories of my childhood. For the majority of my life, I kept it a closely guarded secret, one I fully intended to take with me to the grave. I kept it even through my first serious suicide attempt.

Then I made my second, last & most serious bid to end my life. And, as a result, my secret came out. (I'll spare you the details.) Anyway... as a result of all of this, my wife now knows & I've had a number of less than comforting discussions with mental health professionals. But nothing in my life has changed as a result of it all. After a while, I realized no one really wanted to know anything about my "secret". So I quietly crept back into the closet & closed the door. I'm still in there. But I carry around a boatload of embarrassment with regard to the fact that my "secret" is out there now as well as with regard to some of the memories I have of how it got out there. I wish I had just kept it all to myself.

[DP_2017]

I have a sort of similar issue but not comfortable sharing here, check your messages, I will send you something

[SalingerEsme]

This made me so sorrowful, because you deserve way, way better and you do too to Nikon Anytime you can't be who you are, it is an injury, and it sounds like you have sustained injury to your sense of identity every day of your life, along with the other parts good and bad Skeezyks.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I'm an old man now. But I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria. It began before I even have any memories of my childhood. For the majority of my life, I kept it a closely guarded secret, one I fully intended to take with me to the grave. I kept it even through my first serious suicide attempt.

Then I made my second, last & most serious bid to end my life. And, as a result, my secret came out. (I'll spare you the details.) Anyway... as a result of all of this, my wife now knows & I've had a number of less than comforting discussions with mental health professionals. But nothing in my life has changed as a result of it all. After a while, I realized no one really wanted to know anything about my "secret". So I quietly crept back into the closet & closed the door. I'm still in there. But I carry around a boatload of embarrassment with regard to the fact that my "secret" is out there now as well as with regard to some of the memories I have of how it got out there. I wish I had just kept it all to myself.

[nikon]

thanks for the replies
I'm sorry you went through that Skeezyks. I'm really sorry that you've had to hide your gender dysphoria. I also have gender dysphoria and I can't imagine pretending that it's not there. there is nothing you need to be ashamed of - I know that's easier said than done (and I know I can also say that to myself, but it obviously doesn't work). *hugs*

[nikon]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I have a sort of similar issue but not comfortable sharing here, check your messages, I will send you something

thanks DP, I will reply when I'm back from work

[coolibrarian]

There's a forum on PsychCentral on sexuality (and related issues), which may offer additional help. Not better, just different.

[maybeblue]

I have had several issues around sex and sexuality too. I'd be glad to PM with you if you want to talk about them. There was a time in my life when I was really ashamed of it. But now I'm not. My sexuality is different than a lot of people's, but there is a huge range of "normal" sexuality in the world. There is so much beyond the male-female man on top kind of sex. I'm private with most people, because I think a lot of them wouldn't understand. But I have accepted it and can talk about it very easily with therapists. Maybe too easily because I think I creeped out my male, religious, completely heterosexual therapist. He tries to understand though, so that's all I can hope for, since I'm not planning to change it. Even if I could that is.

I think that's a big part of starting to be OK with your sexuality. You have to realize that if sexuality isn't inborn, it is formed so early in life that it might as well be. You didn't chose it. It's nearly impossible to change, so you might as well accept it. That doesn't mean that you can't broaden sexual practices, but that deep sexuality part inside of you isn't likely to change.

The thing that helped me the most in accepting my sexuality was finding other similar people out there to talk to about it. And there are definitely other people out there similar to you. I don't know how old you are, but when I first realized I was different there was no internet. I had no way to find other people like me...but now it's really easy.

The shame that you feel about talking to the therapist about it, I totally get. It sounds like he didn't respect you sharing it with him, and that wasn't right. Maybe he didn't mean to, but still. He should have reassured you that you were OK and been a safe place to talk about it. I kind of think that in order to get past that shame and place the blame on him where it belongs, you will probably need to find a really safe person you can talk to about it...and probably talk about it over and over until the shame is gone. I promise you it will go away if you work at it. 20 years ago I was thinking about suicide because of my sexuality, but now I'm fine with it. I still feel shame over a lot of things, but I don't feel shame about my weird sexuality. It is what it is. And it makes me kind of interesting, even though I only share it with people I trust.