Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I doubt I'd apply to the same department because they were so horrible at getting back to me (even if they'd just replied to e-mails saying, "Sorry for the delay, we're still making decisions." Or saying I'd been waitlisted.) And I don't know, maybe I'm having some doubts about whether a PhD is right for me anyway...might just try applying to some FT jobs in my new field (I'm currently freelancing in my old field). I have a master's in the new field, but not any real experience aside from volunteer. And previous attempts at applying to jobs after I got the master's led to exactly 1 interview from about 50 applications. Or I may consider, say, a certificate program, or a specific type of master's (MPH) that's more respected in the field. Might talk to my graduate advisor for advice...

Dear T,
Hope it's OK if I come in with the remnants of a cold tomorrow. If I'd been like I was yesterday (a bit feverish and really wiped out), I'd definitely have canceled or asked for phone session (wonder if you'd have done that? perhaps a question for tomorrow). But I'm feeling better today (if still kinda snotty and tired), so my intention is to come in. I'd contact you and ask, but then I'm afraid you'd say no. I feel you'd be less likely to be like, "Get out!" if I just show up (unless I'm like coughing all over you, not attempting to cover my mouth, which I wouldn't do), so, bearing a huge turn for the worse, I intend to do that. Since we have things to discuss.
--LT

Conversation 1
Me: Maybe moving to Lexington KY?
You: Send me a text at least? Remember me? What about our work?

Conversation 2 two months later

Me If I moved there I wouldn’t get to see you anymore
You Well many psychologists can help you. I’m not the only one

Arrrrrrg - this time I tried to learn and be inclusive and connect, but. . . I get so frustrated with why communicating in therapy is so much harder than in real life.

feed me...

Lexington, KY is just an hour away from Thomas Merton’s Abbey of Gethsemani (which I’ve been meaning to visit forever, especially after reading Merton’s writings).

I’d take that over confused therapists any day.

Dear t,

Well last night's group ended up being canceled. Do you have any therapist friends that run other groups? Maybe someone you went to school with or something? I'm having terrible luck finding anything.

-Butterfly

Duchess

I think I'm ready to go to 1x a week but I do enjoy seeing you for 2 hours a week, so please continue to be selfish and keep me on that schedule.

Thanks,

Ellah

Thanks for today.

You're home. And you're the best. I love you.

You gave me the extra session I asked for, but I feel too exposed and so more uncomfortable.

I need you so much right now. If only you’d email me to see how I was, but I’m not worth it am I. Your life is perfect, mines not.

Hi T. I sort of like the idea of seeing you twice in one week. I know it is only bc we had a 20 min session on Monday, so I made a special arrangement to get a full session tomorrow..but it has helped me get through the week knowing i'd see you in a few days.

Thanks for replying to the text today. I wish I could see you in person again this week to work on this phobia stuff, I wanna at least try to see if we can compromise somehow, but I have to wait until Tuesday.

Hope you are enjoying your new home! So happy and excited for you. I just wish I could treat you like, a normal human being. I want to celebrate with you.

Dear T

I'm really confused, it seemed like you were suggesting that I didn't need to tell my other half everything and that we shouldn't have just one person we tell everything to. I agree with that part but my point was that I don't feel connected to ANYONE and that should I connect the first person I really wish I could be more open with is my other half.

We seemed to disagree but I'm not sure why.

do I like being hungry?
I find it annoying
eating seems like a chore

also... how ironic that I serve and prepare food all day. yet don't feed myself

reminds me of that time u came in my room and I had food magazines scattered all over the floor and you said "I don't understand"

Hey hey ex-t! You know what, you were right. Those times when I'd ask "How will I know when it's time to end?" And you'd always say "You'll know. It won't feel like such a big deal anymore."

Tomorrow will be a week since we said goodbye. I have felt such a surge in my self-confidence since then, it's amazing. We did some really good work together you and I, didn't we?

I want to take control of my own life but I don't know how to do that in a healthy way, I'm scared but you can't help me right now

So see you in 17 mins.

Love love love you. I feel replenished from seeing you yesterday.

I am doing my best not to be angry, because rationally I know you can't help it, but I'm not really succeeding. Two weeks in this state is a long time. My friend will get all of this when we meet for coffee on Sunday, and she shouldn't be the one to have to bear it. Nor should you, but I think you get paid...

Wouldn't be so bad if you'd just acknowledged the damn email.

Please get back to me with a plan for next week.

So, I guess we're going to hug today?

Why are you treating me the way I treat myself?

Thank you for a hug!!!! What happened to you lol
I love you