Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

caught a cold or something =[

I tried to not sneeze on the couch, sorry! Hope you feel better soon.

I love your hugs but I want to say I hate back patting lol
Am I brave enought to actually tell you? I shouldn't complain about your hugs. It's a gift

My current goal is to try to deal with things myself between sessions, and not having to text you. I would prefer to be a hermit, but since that isn't an option, I have to figure things out on my own. I'm not ready to go to every other week. I'm trying to be okay, and I am sometimes, and I am not other times.

nevermind... I'm going to bed

Dear T

I like you a lot, but not so much that it feels painful. You’re my therapist, we have a professional relationship, and I get that this can’t translate to an actual friendship, even if we have admitted to each other that we would totally be friends if we met in a different way.

It’s funny how you are always surprised that I don’t have transference. That I see you as you and not as a reflection of other people in my life. So you are always surprised that I’m never angry with you or feel loving feeling towards you. It’s like you are ready for those to happen and you are ready to deal with them, but it just never happens for me.

It IS a chore. It IS annoying. I wonder why that is. Were WE annoying because we got hungry when we were kids? I know my mother put my father and my brother in charge of feeding me. Is our having ANY needs annoying? I told my t when i started with him, that my problem was i couldnt take care of myself.

one of my many babysitters after my dad died and my mom basically disappeared told me I was gonna get fat if I kept eating cookies

Dear t. What I told you has taken 5 years and 3 therapists verbalize. If I ever say it again know that it will be to my oh. I feel that you were trying to reassure me that talking to you instead of my oh was ok but all it has done is made me feel incredibly lost.

I don't have any great desire to have huge amounts of people in my life or to tell them any of the things I tell you. I also don't have a desire to keep things from my oh and really want a connection instead. This is my goal.

I was adopted as an infant. Apparently my birth mother was a little overweight. My mother was very controlling around food with me growing up. Finally when I was a teenager she admitted that she didn't want me to get fat like my birth mother.

Honestly, telling me we have 3 minutes left when I am that dissociated is just ****ing stupid and I would have thought you'd know that by now. I really didn't need all the questions today when I'd already had all the questions earlier from that woman, and I hate it when you write stuff down. Yes, I know why and I understand that and rationally I know you are just trying to do the best job you can and take care of me but ****, this was not the session I needed. **** this. I feel like I can't be anywhere right now I have no idea what to do with myself and I thought this afternoon would help and it's made it worse so now what. ****.

Please don't terminate me over this DBT thing. I hope you don't feel trapped into working with me. I'm going to ask you tomorrow if you feel this way, but I'm not sure I can trust your answer. Would you tell me the truth? I need you, but I'll walk away if you feel trapped.

I miss you... a lot. But I'll be fine until my next appointment, I think.

Oh when we are in the middle of something super heavy and you tell me time is up and go open the door it feels like a slap. I had 2 he full body anxiety attack after that. Ugh

T. You shattered my denial today. I really don’t know how i feel about it.

Also I don't know why both ex therapist and this one seem to tell me that I need more people to talk to and I can't just tell them these things and no one else.

Yes I can. Watch me

"I must've crossed a line. I must've lost my mind."

I'm not sure what is wrong with me sometimes, why do I have an urge to quit right night?! No ruptures, no nothing, infact everything is going really well. So why is it that I'm really just wanting to run?!

Dear T,
Thanks for being so accepting and understanding in session today. I really didn't plan to share that, but somehow it was OK? Was the stone thing just a total fluke? But anyway, thanks...I feel sort of like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now. Or, to use the metaphor I kept going to today, a wall has been knocked down.
Fondly,
LT

I could just snuggle up and sleep on your chest.

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea how to make a decision about whether to have session or not. Sometimes I definitely feel like I do and sometimes I am okay. I have a difficult time. I dislike that I have emotions of anger that are in no way warranted. I want to be a hermit so no one else has to be bothered by me. I want myself not to be bothered by me. I know that I am better overall. I'm always afraid you will be upset with me, and the fear is highly irrational for being angry. There was NO reason for anger, but I do get it is me/my past. I still feel guilty/bad because I think you try to help me as much as you can and don't want to disappoint you.

I was setting up the people who I message in my messaging app and I don't know if I texted you nothing the first time, or if I didn't text at all. It was a mistake if it happened. If it wasn't a mistake, I am not aware of it. Sorry.

I'm gonna need you to.......

TAKE CARE OF ME

Ex-t,

Did you get your mail yet today?? So how do ya like me now? Ha, haha. Good luck to ya, mate.

AH

I've been having the strangest day. I wish I could talk to you about it.

I’ve had a few drinks too many and want to email you. Love you