Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I think we figured out lots of good stuff, particularly with the whole "origin stories" thing. And some other stuff. I'm glad you thought it was a productive session, too. It may sound silly, but it was nice to hear you say at the end, "I'm glad you came to session today." I meant it when I said I was, too.
--LT

I have to agree with LT. AT the beginning, sure, sex every day. 10 years in? Not too common. You can read many more articles about sexless marriages than that people have sex 19 times a month. It is easy to romanticize marriage until you do it over a long period of time

I don't think what you read is accurate statistically. Time magazine quotes a large survey published in a reputable academic journal, where 1/week is average whether you are more or less happy.

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/healt...ess-ncna828491

When I was married, I had worked on my sexual healing and as a result, was pretty much a hound doggie. Plus sex after 40 was particularly good; I must have been in my prime. Several times/week was more my style; sometimes the H was into it and sometimes not. I'd say in general that my libido was a bit higher than for him. But the wheels turned in bed in ways that sometimes made up for a waning connection in other ways.

Dear T,

I'm surprised you didn't say something about my fabulous tan. The gardening gave me a good base but the swimming obsession this past week has really deepened it. While you rarely make a comment about my appearance, you do seem tuned into shoes which is not even the oddest thing about you.

I appreciate that you help keep me on track, and that you relate in more interesting ways in this phase of the therapy. I also noticed when you commented that my recent life transition tends to be getting easier each week. It feels good to know you are able to see this happen and sharing it with me helps me see it more deeply too. I think that therapy as a way of indexing where I've been and how I'm moving towards where I am going is very useful right now. It feels grounding and centered in a way therapy always wasn't in the past, when I was more digging into the grief and the past.

I'd agree with the others. I think for the past 10 years our marriage has probably been more like four times a month and then periodically more.. but when I've looked enviously at other people's friendships and marriages etc I try to remember things are rarely what they seem from the outside. Out of my 10 year marriage more than half of the years have been total hell where I've desperately wanted to have the courage to get a divorce. Strangely things have completely changed and now our relationship is actually good and we have more sex than when we first met. But a few years ago I would have much that been alone than gone through the emotional torture, constant criticism and putting down that DH our me through. But sending hugs our to anyone lonely. Really hoping you'll build up courage to reach out to people. You'd be surprised how many people feel the same as you and would love to be your friend.

I'm so scared for Monday but thank you for offering to be there for part of it.... I appreciate it so much. I hope I can get through this, it's like a huge nightmare

I wish you were by my side right now.

I think I need to clarify something with you next time. I want your opinion on what to do with my feelings towards you and what you feel/think of it all. Do you care about me and will you be able to be there for me as someone who loves me and cares for me solidly through this all even if it is very therapeutic/boundaried/platonic type of love and care? Or is even that me misunderstanding you and the whole therapy process? Are you actually saying that you will forget about me as soon as I walk out and I can't depend on your affection and care but you will be there to guide me there what I need to do to get better. I need to clarify this so that I can either let myself get attached to you or try to protect myself and keep you as a distant figure who's just there to do their job. I feel so confused.

my hair is more red/pink than purple but I like it

I am so glad someone whose said this, we are the same pretty much.

I sometimes wish I didn't post here, now I'm thinking Monday is a terrible idea. I appreciate that you support it but I am not wanting to do it anymore really. I already feel useless

Dear T

So you started following my public social media account last week. You didn’t mention it though and now I’m wondering why you did it and if this is a good thing.

Note: I have a public account where I share my creative work and it has about 60k followers so it’s not like my T followed an account where I post my selfies and family stories. If anyone has thoughts on this, please feel free to comment.

i swore to myself i'd be skinny be the next time you saw me but i'm just as fat and ugly as i was before lol

If you get a chance, I’d really appreciate a response to my email. I hope you’re having a good weekend.

ask them abt it

Dear T,

The scent from the stargazer lilies I picked from my garden with the coneflowers and butterfly bush spray is making me so happy today. As a bonus, the vase blocks my view from my neighbors broken down garage. I am loving this summer right now: creative project moving ahead, taking a break from the work projects until the end of september, 3 months carved out for staycation. The bonus of working for yourself only. And how sweet it was to email back the former colleague a "no" to her request because I'm retired. I am so not interested in working for free. I so wanted to be snarky but I withheld it. I so wanted to just not answer but I don't want anyone else getting the idea that I'm going to work for free. Seriously? I can't actually believe she even asked.

I'm learning more about myself in this transition and through this transition. I used to hate change, but now I kind of relish it.

why am I so tired

️

Being brave is exhausting. Right now, I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. I feel like I'm going to explode when we next meet.

I miss you. I hope you're okay. I love you.

Today was a longggg day, T. i was in pain ALL day (until about 10pm) bc of stupid jaw clenching. I've also reached the end of my rope in terms of alone-ness. I laid in bed for an hour and half contemplating my shite life. I managed to get out of bed, but I am tired of this. I know it is all my doing, but i am tired.

Can’t believe that after almost 3 years your tears would come first. I must be cold

i have so many things i need to talk to you about but i am 100% sure that by the time i see you again, i will have forgotten them or i'll be too scared to tell you. why am i always so scared?

Guessing we can’t talk about deep stuff tomorrow. Can I just be with you, lay on your sofa. That’s enough for me. Miss you, love you.