Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Please try to keep yourself safe.

We're here if you want to talk things through.

And It seems as though
I'm on my own
And time transcends, oh!
And it seems I speak
Like waters leak
And I'm losing friends, oh!
And there'll be coins on my eyes
There'll be coins on my eyes
To pay Charon
Before I let you near my son

And I don't feel well
Oh, couldn't you tell,
From the way I touch my face?
My thoughts are low
And I cannot grow
In this small space, oh!
But there'll be coins on my eyes
There'll be coins on my eyes
To pay Charon,
Before I let you near my son
And I ain't no,
And I ain't no,
And I ain't no Hercules
I ain't no Hercules.

Songwriter: Keaton Leslie Henson

Thinking of you this evening and wondering about how our relationship has changed. Does it even need talking about? Is it broken again (meaning did I break it by leaving abruptly in June) or just changed by necessity? I really must get over my obsessing about it. I'm fine, I am. You were frustrated Thursday though. Perhaps I should not have come back? Let's talk about this? I want to be whole. I do.

I got a weird massage today. the massage therapist was a man, which is enough to freak me out by itself. he did some things that I never experienced during a full body massage before..

I felt violated afterward and went home and cried so hard and scrubbed myself clean in the shower. I feel stupid for letting something so small affect me so much.
I wish I could call you right now to talk about it

I really hope when I see you next that I manage to say certain things about how I'm feeling and I hope you don't think I'm just over reacting or making mountains out of molehills but I'm just really not doing well at this whole 'life' stuff lately!

i kind of want to stop seeing you because it feels like i have to explain things so literally, and it's tiring. sometimes i just need to talk and someone to understand it, without me explaining everything step by step.

i kind of wish i'd quit the first time i "quit", because it feels like you just bounce my words back at me, and it's starting to sound weird because it's so obvious

Not stupid at all. It was a pretty explicit trigger and it is no surprise at all that you reacted.

What you're feeling isn't stupid at all.

I emailed saying I didn't need the session on tueday,because I know that's what you wanted me to say, but please call me even though you're officially away. I can't do this without you.

Dear T,
Yesterday, I bought a bracelet that says "Stay Strong" in Morse code. It seemed to fit well with the message in your e-mail from Thursday. (They were 2 for 1, so I also got one with a...less suitable for work saying in Morse code that I suspect you'd find amusing and could be seen as empowering in a different way!)
And I think you'd be proud of me for all the walking I did yesterday, even if I did have a panic attack later in the day (but I stuck that out, despite the urge to flee).

LT

Dear T,

You really are a POS. You constantly amaze me with your lack of insight and care. . And even lack of honesty. Whatever. We’re just numbers to you. I get that. Grrrrrrrrr

i want it back
but i know it's gone
we've both built this wall
between us
it's gonna be a long
3 months
i never should have let myself
call.

((Summer))

I agree with CE and Lemoncake. That is not a small thing. I have never had a massage therapist massage my glutes without asking permission first. It would trigger me as well.

T, I had one of the worst dreams I’ve had in a long time.

Now I remember why I see you. It’s hard to process this alone. You know all of the pieces.

I am all in favor of vacations in general and of you taking time for your family, but I am just now aware of how long it is that I will have to hold on to this.

If you'd just sent 'Got your email' as part of either of your session cancellation texts, this might have been avoided.

I'm sorry.
You always tell me to stop apologizing.
But I am.
Sorry.

p.s. i never should have come back. you should have told me to go away.

Thank you so much Cantexplain, Lemoncake and Warmfuzzysocks <3
It helps to know others don’t think I’m overreacting

Dear t,

I should e-mail you because I think I left my sunglasses at your office but I hate those sunglasses anyway so half of me thinks I shouldn't bother you.

-Butterfly

I’m hurting. I need you but your not there.

"Keep it up"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Why did you let me come back? I feel so stupid.

I am dreading going back in three weeks, because I don't want to deal with the issue at work we talked about at the end of last year. I have a cloud of dread hanging over me. I did the "right thing" and am paying dearly for it.


I am confused about how I think and that I make too many connections. I am confused what to believe. Some of it makes sense, and some of it doesn't.


Otherwise I guess things are going okay. I just wish I could be normal and not have something to dread looming over me.

T,

I hate weekends. I know I can reach out to you but try hard not to bug you on a weekend. Afraid of what you will think of me always. I may be the only one that looks forward to the week starting because it means I dont have to wait long to see you.

Hey T. You are so so great. You made sure to assure me that I wasn't bothering you talking to you on a Sunday, and that you want to come visit me here. I heart you, a lot.