Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Please go away.

Dear T,
Thank you. I sort of love you, in a fully platonic way. And I'm so ****ing scared to trust you, but I think maybe I do? Please don't make me regret that...
LT

Of Course when you are gone things go bad with mom. Just gotta cry myself to sleep tonight.

Will I ever see you again?

Hugs if wanted.

T: Thank you for immediately calling me (while you were grocery shopping!) when I told you I suddenly am going tomorrow morning. I know you think I can do it...but I am SO scared. I haven't packed or cleaned or anything.

Nothing like waiting to the last minute....

I have so much to tell you, and for the past year I've sworn up and down that I would, but I never have. I really think I will this time, though. But I am scared. And I have been holding back so much from you this whole time. I have even lied directly to your face. I am so sorry. Please don't hate me. Only 21 more days.

T, I find it hard to believe that I have "complex trauma".

I love you

I've been coming on PC for a few years now, and there have always been those who see therapy as a cruel, humiliating, false construct devoid of happy endings.
I have always understood that to be a perfectly understandable response to their awful experiences of therapy and felt for them. But I also always thought that therapy can be different, transference can be resolved with a good therapist like you. But what if I'm wrong? What if discussing this transference with you is just a ritual humiliation and nothing else? Because I did feel humiliated last session and it's not a good feeling. I don't want to love you and I feel pretty despairing about the whole thing really.

Dear T. You were pretty nice. I called yesterday, I think I forgot to say it was me. I swore when you picked up the phone, you told me it was ok, asked how you could help. I cried then said i had to go and hung up.

Sorry for not being able to speak

I don't care what you say!

Also even though I'm sure you knew it was me, you didn't say my name to protect my privacy in case it wasn't me and I appreciate that.

I say you don't care, maybe you do but I don't get it

I'm glad I came back, t, even though this part feels so difficult. I know you said to stop apologizing but damn it, I feel bad that I cried so much yesterday. Mostly it was because I felt so stupid. That I had so much going on in my head and was having such a hard time organizing it enough to speak it.

And sorry for the email last night. I just needed to be coherent which I wasn't in your office.

I have to say I DO like seeing you as "just t" again. Without all the other stuff.

I probably hurt you with my whole "there's a part that wants a break from therapy" thing, huh. I bet that's why you're not responding to my emails.

Fine. Pull even farther away. I'm not chasing you.

Pls respond to my email even if it's just "we'll talk about this next week." Ok? I'm sorry I'm being needy.

05:32 PM

Subject: Therapy ( No reply needed)

I'm not angry and I don't hate you. We're not okay but we will be. I don't need the session on tuesday and I hope you really do have a wonderful holiday.

S

I just reread the letter you wrote me in May. On our relationship: "my sense of this part of the work is that the more transparent and open we can be with each other in our dialogue, the more value this has to you.".
Is that what happened on Wednesday? I pushed myself to be open and honest with you about my feelings towards you. I can't see the value. It hurt. It hurt when you said I was putting myself alongside your children. We were being open and honest with each other. Are you sure that is valuable?

I know you won't, that I just gotta sit with this. Signed, needy mcneedypants.

I hate me
I hate you
I hate therapy too

I hate love
I hate hate
I hate pain they create

I hate words
I hate rhyme
I hate wasting my time

I hate head
I hate heart
They will tear me apart.

I feel that, echos.

I've lost you

Daily reminder: you're not my friend. you're not my friend. you're not my friend. you don't need to hear any updates about me because you're not my friend. you're not my mother. you're not in my life. you're not my friend.

Had my interview at [giant technology university] yesterday. It was fine, but I don't think I want to work there.

Dear T,

Thank you for not getting angry with me today.

-Butterfly

I wish you were in the office today so we could talk. I hate your 4 day weekends every weekend. It feels so long and painful.