Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

That is exactly right for me. I'm not sure what trauma is at its essence if not being trapped, physically and emotionally and socially. I wish knowing this resulted in better progress. I think that you just get better at dealing with the aftermath and are not as thrown by the things in daily life that are oddly reminiscent and symbolically linked to it. It's never really over.

Hi T. I will probably e-mail you tomorrow. I got a sub, so I can *potentially* go to this intake place Fri morning. What if I am not the first one there? What if it takes too long, where I can't stay the whole time? What if it isn't anythign that will help me? What if it does?

I am so scared, T. I know you want me to try it...and I sort of agree with you, but what if this was my "thing" that might help me (like derby was), and turns out it does nothing? I will miss at least a week of work (how, i do not know), and I am assuming it isn't cheap....sigh.

T, thank you for calling and finding out info for me. I just am terrified.

Also T, thank you for doing things that I can't seem to be able to do--even though it is in the realm of "adult" things to do. I love the bell jar reference you made.

Why are you so kind? I have no clue, but I do appreciate it, even if I show no emotions about it. Sorry.

T,
If I ever lose you, I will die. Even though I physically can't see you this week, just knowing you're there helps.

I would never dare to walk into the clinic looking for you without a scheduled appointment like some of your other clients.

Dear t,

I found a t I'm going to contact to see if she takes my insurance. If she does I may see her instead. Like you said you are at a trauma center and it seems trauma is no longer my biggest concern.

-Butterfly

Hey t. I'll practice here.

You were right.

This is absolutely wack timing - the fight I had w h the other night. Although I think I realized it while visiting w my sister n her wife when I was on my trip recently - I didn't admit it to myself til yesterday.

Dear T,
Really nervous to see you today. Feels like it's been longer than 6 days.

LT

Argh....

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. Glad you were so understanding about how even a short break could affect me. Wish I'd stayed on the one topic more, about my feeling like I didn't deserve care, and I hadn't ended up shifting to random marriage stuff toward the end, but think it was all helpful nonetheless. Including the very brief discussion of the one topic.

Glad I stuck with you through the whole stone thing. Because you seem to get it more now.

Love,
LT

When I looked into your eyes today...man. That feeling is back.

It's taken a TON of trust for me to push through the abject fear and terror that manifest from feeling seen while I am feeling shame about what I am saying/experiencing. I am trusting you with my most sensitive material, and clearly you must have earned a high level security clearance by me.

It is really odd, after disclosing what I did, but I feel so intensely safe. I would have thought that I would feel the pain of being seen. I feel almost like a euphoria. I am sharing with you things that I've never shared before, and these things have the potential of causing you to abandon me. I feel like you really see me, I feel like you really accept me for who I am, and I think that this is really deep stuff.

I don't have the words to express how thankful I am.

You said you had some compassion for her. This bothered me. It hurt me. How could you have compassion, you’re supposed to be on my side.

Dear t,

Well I wrote to that t and she said she's currently applying to take my insurance but doesn't right now. There is one more recent trauma issue we haven't discussed so I think I'll bring that up Friday and maybe we'll work on that a few months and then I'll revisit the possibility of seeing someone else. In a few months maybe that t will be ready to take my insurance or perhaps your place will have gotten a grant to rehire art t. For now I'll just stay with you I guess.

-Butterfly

You brought up video conferencing a session as a way to bridge the gap when I'd have to travel for work. We spoke on the phone last week and I asked if it was still an option, which led to scheduling a time for tonight. You said, "does 7pm work for you?" and then that you would send me a link to the 'room'.

I spoke to you on Sunday as I panicked about the first day at the local site for my new job. You helped me calm down. You said you might need to move our appointment a little earlier due to another meeting. You said you'd let me know on Monday (when I was supposed to call you back). I understand. Our meeting time was outside of your typical work hours.

I called you on Monday to tell you that the day was anti-climactic. We talked about that for a bit. You said you'd text me on Tuesday with if/when you would need to move our session. I understand. Things happen.

On Tuesday I got an automated text message to confirm our appointment on Wednesday at 7pm, which I did. I assumed that meant you didn't have to reschedule afterall. Maybe this was the text you meant? I understand. You're busy.

Here it is now, Wednesday at 8.15pm. You never sent a link to the 'room', you never called or texted. I understand. You had another meeting.

I understand. I'm not important, even as a paycheque. The nature of our relationship means that my feelings about you (that you are important, that I care about you) are not reciprocated. I understand.

I understand. This break, which has seemed so long to me, seems like nothing to you.

I guess I'll just wait and see you Monday, in your office. It will only have been 4 weeks since I last saw you. You'll be running late, as usual. I will understand and hope my boss does too.

Inside, though, despite all my understanding... I hurt.

I hope u play with us

Dear P-doc,
Nervous to see you tomorrow. Has it really been since December? And, ugh, looking at my calendar, it was a few days after the fateful ex-MC phone call. I really wonder if T only told you what he told me he did, which doesn't seem like much. I feel like I have a lot to catch you up on but only have, what, 25 minutes? And I assume part of that will be discussing meds. Guess I'll just talk fast? Really, I'll just try to give you the bigger picture without all the details.

LT

I'm so sorry

I know you want more for me. But I'm not willing to let my marriage go to get it. Yet. I still have hope that h and I can work things out.

Why does this have to be so damn hard??!

It doesn't help that I'm afraid you're going to be mad at me, too, when I tell you tomorrow that I can't do the 2-3 months you want me to commit to. Even at the reduced rate. I'd have to be willing to lose h. And I am not.

Please don't be mad at me. I can't take both h and you being mad at me at the same time. H is just ignoring me, glued to the idiot box or sleeping, but I feel his anger invisibly pingponging around the house and I can't always dodge it cuz I can't see it. My heart feels like it's breaking. Why can't I have both? Myself and my marriage? Am I being punished somehow by the universe for marrying a man when a big part of me would rather be with a woman? Even though I love him and hold my vows sacred? What will happen if I just say it out loud? Will that help somehow? Ok ok ok it's true!! But how am I supposed to just walk away from my husband after 20 years of marriage? I can't! I'm not ready to throw my entire life up til now away! And that's what I'd be doing! And then probably be alone for the rest of my life and I wouldn't be able to afford seeing you anymore on just my salary so I'd be totally alone! And for what?! Just to be able to say I know myself????

Navajo ****ing rabbit.

Day 1 i've been back. We got to 8.40am - my sister is apparently rubbish and i've been called a b***ch twice.

My trust in you is fading. What the hell is the point, if you are intending to come back and then disappear again? This long silence is feeding into the 'There's something seriously wrong...' part of my brain, that we have been working on calming down. I'm between wanting to scream and wanting to cry...

So, thank you for that...

Thanks for emailing back and for caring So much. Love you

There is much super brave stuff being posted in this thread. Inspiring to me. Thank you.

Today is the day that we used to have sessions. I keep dreaming that you will show up where we used to meet today at the time we used to meet as if you were expecting that we were having a session. Not sure what I would do if that happened - dream that I ask you what the hell you are doing there and when you try to respond, I tell you what happened last week and you actually feel bad about it.

But that's not going to happen. My dreams never come true. You won't show up today. And, even if by some twisted miracle you did, you're not going to feel bad about anything you've done. Because all of it was my fault and I deserved it.

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about your trip. I'm torn on telling you why it's so hard for me or just pretend I'm ok like always. Less risk there so I'll probably do that.