Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I feel like talking to you now, it's funny how that works isn't it. Heh. Next week is plenty soon enough though. It will be a much different session, I am over feeling stupid, and I have also decided I want OFF the merry go round that is that drama triangle thing you showed me. I was simultaneously acting out each of the parts while I was there, wasn't I? Crimenetly.

Ugh you said you knew I was struggling and to call while you were on vacation. I really don't want to. I don't want to become to dependant on you or need you. Received some painful news. Tried reaching out to psych np but she was unavailable. I hate to compare you to T but I could email her and she would help me when She was available.

I want to talk about my desire to call you when I was in crisis last March but I am afraid you will dismiss it. It was the worst crash I have had in two years and I hate that I felt a dependence on you because I hate the idea of becoming too dependent. I hate that I wanted to talk to you and I don't even know how you'd react if I admitted wanting to talk to you. And then there is the shame and rejection that I could not talk to you - that I asked for an extra session and you said you had no openings, but you didn't offer talking on the phone. I don't actually know the boundaries on texting. I know it is okay to email. But and calling crisis lines, isn't it too late for me? Even when I call the crisis line and they won't talk to me and want me to go to the ER because . I am embarrassed that I even called a crisis line.
I am scared to have this conversation.

I continue to have the overshare hangover at times although it is getting al little easier. I think it is normal to feel this way. I usually keep my oddities to myself and it is difficult for them to see the light of day.

Day 3 is nearly over, thank god. Slowly but surely, time is going by. I hope this trip is helping you relax and heal. I miss you and have so much to tell you when I see you again in a while.

I really wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. Heaven sounds like such a wonderful place free of hurt and pain plus I could see so many amazing ladies that were taken from me so early in life. EMDR T I know everything you will say heck I even told you what T would say when I feel like this. I just can't tell you because you won't understand.

As I have always said regardless how awful I feel or how much I desire it, I will never take my life. I could never hurt my family like that...but I can wish

Do you wish I hadn't asked to come back?
You seemed frustrated with me when I said I was nervous.

You seemed frustrated with me when I kept saying "I don't know."
It wasn't a bad session overall, just those moments when you seemed fed up with me.

I know I committed to 3 months. But if you are fed up with me, TELL ME damn it, and release me from the commitment and I'll go away.

I didn't NEED to come back.
I wanted to.
Big difference.
I want to work on this running away from me stuff. I do.

So are you still in this?
Or are you frustrated and sick of me and just going to start phoning it in?
Tell me.
Please.

Are you sure you're not seeing something that isn't there?

But if that's what you think, I would raise it.

I feel like therapy is making me crazier and more depressed, but I keep coming because I'm so isolated from others, and your sympathetic facial expressions and voice tone are the closest thing I get to feeling comforted by another human. The fact that I have to pay someone to treat me with a minimal level of kindness makes me feel more worthless and undeserving of love, though.

I so get this

No, I'm not sure... that's why I want to talk to her so bad right now. Yes, I am going to ask about it next week. I kinda like this weekly thing. As much as I fought against it.

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

The moles have to come to the surface before you can whack them with a mallet.

two options: you are disappointed in me, or i am disappointed in myself.
two options: i try to give up everything i cling to, or i let myself have a false sense of security.
two options: for the first time in years i put effort into getting better, or i let myself slip toward that tantalizing rock bottom.
two options: i tell you the truth, or i lie to you.

i hate all of the options.

How can I claim to trust you, if I can't look you in the eye?

My experience of this 'break' has been really raw and vulnerable, but nobody would've seen that. You will, if I share the piece of writing, though.


There haven't been any poems over the break, because poetry is an attempt to make things neat and tidy...and this isn't.

Your "vacay":

My exam:

Hoping that you will be back soon, so that we can discuss the way forward. This is a very hard place to be.

So much grief.

I feel better about therapy this morning. No, I don't feel the 'relationship' much anymore and maybe that's a good thing. It was what it was for a long time and served its purpose so well. Now I'm in a different place, needing you to be business t now and not touchy-feely-warm-fuzzy t any longer. Can we both adapt to the change? I think we can. Because we are both awesome like that.

I still love you a bit

Hi P,
I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Weekends are awful. Why didn't you just let me continue on last weekend?

I'm feeling less angry, more loving towards you. I'm actually a bit worried about losing the essence of the anger before I see you because I think the anger is important.

Really wish I could hug you today. Sucks I wont get a hug at all next week.

You really pi$$ me off.

I want to call you so badly right now. I'm not okay. You said to call if I was going to go for a drive, but I'm not sure it's that's far and I feel like such a burden. Please help me.

Dear T

I just “love” being ignored
it makes me feel so “warm and fuzzy”.. NOT

You know, T, it’s amazing I survived YOUR abuse and neglect on top of the abuse and neglect from the PUS

Thanks for your faithfully condescending attitude and your relentless attempts to hurt me

Fuzzybear