Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

You're officially forbidden to go back to THE TWAT.

Hey T,

This session today, feels like deep a little raw afterwards. The discussion about defining myself as someone who saves other people (not news but the cost of it and how I am trying to balance it with things for myself), the attempts to parent without undermining the boy's sense of confidence that he can do these very independent and grown up things by and for himself. It seems like just a year ago that he needed me to help him put on his socks, and now he takes his car keys and drives himself to an actual job. What does it mean that he no longer needs me. Do I still matter?

I'm hung up on your use of the word "boundaries" in our last session. What did you mean? Based on something someone else posted. Why did I get you an over the top Christmas gift? Because I wanted to make you happy. Why would I have slept with H? Because I wanted to make him happy. I think I can see an issue xD

Dear T, I really wish I could have met with you today. At the moment I want to be meeting once a week. I know that if I asked for this you would say yes. But the fact is that I can't really afford it and I am actually fine and able to cope by myself. I'm trying to prove this to myself by not contacting you, but I'm missing you.

T: I think maybe I love you a little bit? You have been AMAZING at being here for me during this whole stay. I am a little sad you're going away next week, but technically I won't miss our therapy session since I still will be here.

I heart you.

Just practicing for when I terminate with my T on Thursday:
How do you think our rapport is? Because I've been thinking it isn't too good. I don't know if CBT is the right kind of therapy for me at this point in my life. I think you have some good suggestions, I'm just not sure that I'm in the right spot in my life to take those suggestions and put them to good use. I am used to someone being a little more warm and compassionate and empathetic. I want someone who will walk with me through the things I'm going through. Thanks for the suggestions you gave me. I think it's time to end now.

Hmmm. I think I need more practice.

I suppose I will see you in a little over an hour.

SlumberKitty, that sounds good to me. I'm not really a fan of CBT either.

ugh I swear to God. u fck me up too much

today was ****, i could really use a hug from you right now..... seriously this sucks. please don't take a long break with no contact again.

I think I might take the (xyz) job. If I do, it'll be so embarrassing. I'll look like a failure for crawling back, and people are so quick to comment on how (big project) isn't getting off the ground. IT WILL. I know it will. It has to. It's already miles and miles ahead of where it was. It's just a long process. But when I go back to this job, they'll say River will never finish her project because she's not really a writer. And ML is so mean to me. God, I'm a grown-***** woman who's excellent at this job, and I'm afraid of taking it because I don't want to deal with ML.

You make me so mad, but seeing you would make me feel so comforted. Until time would run out and I'd have to walk home and I'd turn immature again and remind myself that you don't care about me at all.

Dear Info,

I kind of wish I’d seen you today. I am really on edge and badly triggered.

ATAT

I want to angry text you, but I am incoherent with... I don't know, something!

Feel whatever you feel. It's nobody's business but your own.

I feel like I am pushing you and pushing you and I don't know why. I feel like I need you to tell me that I'm not to blame. I want you to tell me that I am not some kind of degenerate. I want you to tell me that everything is okay because it doesn't feel like it. I wish I was normal and respectable and a good patient. What is wrong with me?

Thank you for caring, I’m sorry I thought you didn’t for a moment there. Good thing I didn’t tell you that. Although I am a little annoyed at you for guilting me into staying alive, but I guess that’s your job

Thank you for your apology. That meant a whole lot. And for saying "do you know what I love about you?" And then telling me. And for laughing when I read that part about "it's gonna be a long 3 months if we don't get it back" (the love in the room that was missing last week).

I don't feel the need to email you tonight. We're good.

Dear T,
You know what would make me feel better right now? The stone.
Damn it.
LT

(((LT)))

Dear Piaf,

That was a pretty dreadful session. Not your fault. Really that of the idiots who triggered me. What kind of person says something like that in public and what kind of person sniggers when they hear it? Not good people, at least not in that one moment. I hope they experience it themselves.

And it does make me feel like resisting the thoughts of sh we discussed is too hard.

ATAT

I'm praying for the courage to tell you what I need to tell you. And I'm praying that you react kindly. Please don't be angry. Please don't freak out. Just tell me you love me. Just help me.

I dreamt about sitting on your knee in public and eating jelly beans while you had your arms round my waist. Make of that what you will.

New Dear T here

This is perfect.

just to have 1000