Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Please be your best t you tomorrow. Don't yell at me even though I probably deserve it.

I told ex-MC after the first time I snuggled with the elephant (I'd been really upset with him that night). He was like, "The elephant was me, right?" Which is how it got its name (his first name). I told current T I snuggled with the okapi but not that I associated it with him (not after the whole stone debacle!)

that makes me feel slightly better. i think it was more my T's reaction. She was like "That's interesting. It says so much."

I stopped her and todl her not to analyze it. She did say she felt sad when she thought of me as a preemie in an incubator with no comfort...but I would never relate those two things.

24 hours from now I'll have a better idea of what this next part is I hope.

20 days left, I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel bad for wishing this because you need time off, but I can’t wait for you to come back. Please stay safe!

Also, I might be reading way too much into this, but I really appreciated last session. I feel like you knew what you were doing when you did what you did and it was to make me feel closer to you and reassure me that you’ll be back. I think you see a lot more than I think you do and I also think you know (as I know) that I am often in the “little professor” ego state. I’m not trying to be manipulative, im just testing you. Not that I don’t trust you, because I do. But I’m scared that if I don’t sometimes play the games that I play, you won’t see me the way I need you to see me. And I need you to see me.

Don't make me choose myself over another client.

I thought you like me or something, I thought you're comfortable with me, I thought I'm "special" (?)
But you said you just changed your boundaries for everyone. So now you accept gifts and so on.
I was stupid. Of course I'm not special and you don't like me. I'm just a client. Now I'm sure you do all these cute things I considered "mine" with all your clients. Maybe you hug them often than me or even tell them you love them.
I'm stupid.
But I love you anyway
P.s. You said that I'm "the best client" once, wtf it was then

First job interview today. Another one on Monday. I’m applying to positions every day. Soon, I’ll have a new job. So even if I wanted to see you again, our hours wouldn’t line up.

So, do I tell you about the growing desire to switch to keto after I finish Whole30 and the growing drive to lose weight? Or will that be too boring for you? Shall I just lie and tell you what you want to hear? That I'll listen to the nutritionist? What do you care?

Good news! I went in for the ultrasound and it was just a normal benign cyst. What a relief!!!!

Wrote something that I might end up reading next session - or possibly just thrusting at you. I'm not entirely sure which.

I don't want to come today.
I want a break.

Eek! It's Thursday. Less than 9 hours til I see you. Eek.

Dear T,

We're celebrating today at my house and I am grateful that I can experience the good feelings despite everything. Thank you.

T you seem to be everywhere I turn. When with EMDR T this week I opened my checkbook and found your business card in there, when cleaning my purse I found a diagram you see for me just a few weeks before your death..then yesterday at work security brought my work key to my office that I didn't know was missing. Another employee found it hanging in a hook and recognized it as belonging to our facility. Nobody could figure out why it was in that building. When he told me address it was found at I knew immediately that I had lost it in your office. It makes me wonder if it was in your couch and they found it when cleaning out your office. 😂

I know a part of your presence is that you are still by my side which is nice. It is also sad and heartbreaking because I can't give you a hug or see your face

I didn't use the word love in my emails to you this week...But I do.

I miss you so much right now, love you.

Regretting not telling you I love you when we hugged tues. So many regrets then actually. Please don't ever hit me with news like this with no warning again. I need time to process things so it goes ok. This is only day 2. Sigh....

Dear T,
Thanks for responding. Not sure what I was looking for in response, think just an acknowledgment of my realization, which you gave me. Glad you thought it was a good insight, too. Kinda wish I was talking to you before Monday, but guess it's not too far away...will give me time to reflect on it more.

And we may need to spend a few minutes on a text I just got from my mom...because I think it sort of demonstrates certain things...like, hey, I'm not making this up! (not that you think I am, of course.)
LT

I wish quitting were an option. It isn't. I need you and it's the only way I can have you.

I'm actually good and angry at you. It feels righteous and good. We'll see what happens to it when I see you tomorrow.

I'm really scared to see you tonight. And I really miss my old T and you just don't get that.

Sorry to bother you again...

Wish you still did the "see you at 5pm" texts.

Dear T,

I wish I wasn’t me.

I wish I wasn’t so scared and alone.