Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

A therapist litmus test?

You probably wish you could get rid of me

Hi t,

Thanks for finally answering the e-mail. See you tomorrow.

-Butterfly

I really want to ask for your opinion about this job thing. I need to leave (place), but (place) still has a lot to offer me. And it would be a promotion. It has to do with ego and happiness. Ego will calm down. But happiness? I’ve experienced great misery at (place)... am I strong enough to stay happy here if I truly, earnestly intend to? You wouldn’t give me advice anyway if I spoke to about this. You’d just sit there, caring about everyone else in the world but me.

His boss apologized, so why do I still feel so
Probably because you actually don’t give a ***** about me 🤷*♀️ There’s obviously something very wrong with me, why else would I be

I care about you as much as any platonic friend can (get it?).

I know. I freakin love this one. It is so me.

Eta - well love-hate.

Dear t,
I am sorry that I quit again but can you leave your feelings aside for just once and. concentrate on me.
Sometimes it feels as though you really don’t give a crap about me or the impact what you say has on me. You just dump all of your crap on me and then split on your holidays. I amreally mad at you t and I think only way that I can finally take back my power is to leave now and never look back. Ghost you t and that’s the only way you will see hw hard this is.

I don’t trust any therapists anymore because they have too much power and love asserting it.

I felt relieved after we met yesterday. Wasn’t expecting that. Thank you.

Yes you do.

Hey Lulabelle you know - it took me a few days to understand how i was feeling last week and why i was bawling so much but i know now - i told you that thought i had about the why - and it was an idea that made me feel really raw and vulnerable but i said it anyway - and you dismissed it so fast you made my head spin and that left me feeling invalidated and feeling stupid for coming back and then when you said that thing about all the wasted time or whatever then i started feeling sorry for myself besides, and feeling stupid and sorry for myself took me right back to being a kid, and that's never pretty. so yeah. tears and lots of them. and none of it was buffered by the love i used to feel there. and that sucked and was hard and it's gonna be a long 3 months if you don't release me from my commitment because you're fed up with me. yes, i felt your frustration/annoyance all over the place last week. do i even really want to come today? not really.

It's officially one week without you.

I know 90% of what I'm feeling today is just due to hormones, but I'm so sad. I'm stalking your wife hoping she's posted something, because I have no idea where you actually are. I can picture you in Cornwall in a stupid hat. I don't think I would want to come back if you return. I need to save money after all.

Maybe this feeling of being invalidated is what caused you to feel like overeating again? I remember you felt healed when she stopped going against your wishes in scheduling appointments, which is validating, so I'm just thinking that maybe invalidation is a trigger.

Can it just be Tuesday already? This is nuts

Omg YES this, totally. I hadn't quite gotten there yet. Thank you!! So much. ☺

Thank you butterfly that means a lot more than you know

Wanna give up on everything, you are included in everything and so am I!

I feel like I can't bear that it's still more than a week till I see you, and then I realise that it'll be another twenty-one days after that... and potentially five months after that. F***.

I could go back to T1?????!!!!!!!

hahah

hah

Wow, Luc...that's crap. I'm really sorry.

Nooooooooooooo

T,
I have been making connections regarding the topic we talked about for a bit. It hasn't really been totally conscious, but seems to have been ongoing. When I stayed over the family's house when I was older -- I haven't really understood why I stayed there? Didn't I feel guilty? Afraid? Angry? I don't know. Denial is the only thing that makes sense. Or did I just not care? Or was I just a horrible person? Did I have no sense of wrongdoing? I don't remember. I don't know. I would like to think that I was conflicted, but I don't know. But I want to know. I hope this helps you make sense of what I have been telling you. It really feels disjointed.


Thank you for the extra session, it was really helpful!

I wonder if you've taken bets as to when I'll email.

I love you again. Thank you for saying I could talk to you if I need to. And for saying take care of yourself.