Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

my life isn't even real. it just can't be

I don't want it to be our last session!!!!

You're stupid but I still love you.

I've never doubted my ability to do this before...but that's where I am right now. Staying 'on task' is a Herculean feat. I want to reach out to ask you when you will be back, but we know I don't do that. If something's going on for you, that takes precedence over anything that's going on for me.

Hi replacement T,

I’m really not sure I should be seeing you at all... today was exhausting. Our conversation didn’t make sense to me at all. That you seemed so overwhelmed in one of our past sessions Made me loose all trust into you. How am i supposed to talk about the stuff i so desperately need to talk about if I can’t trust you to handle them?
I don’t like that t told you about my issues there because it’s making “lying” to you (by not telling you the whole truth) so much more exhausting. I’m exhausted. I know that the solution would be to just tell you the truth... if you can’t handle the anecdote about something my dad said, how are you supposed to handle that i sometimes really have no control over what’s happening with me, that i sometimes really can’t control what I do? Will you tell me to just appreciate it (?) and to be less strict with myself?

I want T... what I tell you must make you think that t is an awful t... and I didn’t like you saying that maybe I need to suffer more in order to be ready to change... wtf...

T,
I know I wrote you an email telling you I want you to terminate with me. It's a test. I need to know you're there and not going to give up on me. Sure I can ask you directly, but then I'll wonder if you really mean it. Maybe you are tired of me. I just gave you an out. You are not responsible for me anymore! See, part of me wants you to leave. But if I must live, I need you so badly. I don't think you even understand how much I need you. I think if you knew, you would push me away. I'm so afraid of crossing your boundaries. If I do, it will feel like a rejection. I'm such a mess. Why do you want to deal with my bs. It must be the same as what I'm dealing with H. How do you do it?

((Scarlet))

I have no hope left. I don't want to go back to the situation. I am experiencing such dread that I just can't fathom being able to tolerate the situation, much less being productive. I hate myself. How am I supposed to be compassionate with myself when all I feel is dread? Why is my life one painful realization after another? I hope you don't terminate me. I just can't describe how defeated I feel.

couldn't sleep. even with meds.

you want me to be ok being angry at you... but whenever I am angry, you back away. You retreat when I need you most -- I am only ever angry when I desperately need you and am not finding you there. And, it makes sense, because that's how anger works ... people don't want to be close to someone who is angry at them. Well, my need for you exceeds my anger. So of course I panic. Because the reason for my anger (feeling abandoned when I need you) just gets worse...you go even further away... of course I panic. Of course I abandon the anger.

also, things have changed. of course they have - things can't be the same after a year working together. you're used to me, used to my ****, and you're just not there in the same way you were a year ago when you would literally have prompted a text conversation with me after a fiasco like yesterday. Which is normal, and expected, but nevertheless, painful.

I feel like giving up. I'm also afraid telling you that will just mean you go even further away, leave me in even more silence... when I'm telling you that I feel like giving up only because I want you to give me a reason not to. Give me some hope that this was not the way things are going to be handled.

I AM angry. I'm angry that you left me in silence when I have told you a million times how much I hate silence and how, whenever I get stuck like that, I need your help. I'm angry that after a year with me, you still don't recognize (I assume...unless, it's the far worse possibility...that you don't know what to do or don't care) when I'm locked in and want and need your help getting out. I can't give you a sign when it happens. I can't move when it happens. I need you to recognize it.

I'm angry that I told you something so incredibly hard to get out, and that your response was silence. I'm angry that you left me to guess what you were thinking. I'm angry that you made zero comments about how hard it was, I'm angry that you gave me zero ideas about how to handle what would come after I left your office especially after I told you that I had none of my own. I'm angry, and I feel so abandoned and let down that I want to give up on us.

Except I also want you to give me a reason NOT to give up. I want you to tell me that's not how it was supposed to go, not how things were supposed to happen. I want you to give me some reason why you left me in silence, why you let me leave knowing I was completely destabilized, and some sort of hope that it won't keep happening. I want you to tell me your feelings for and interest in me haven't decreased in the last year... I want to know why, a year ago, if things went like they did yesterday, you'd have literally offered a text conversation when I reached out...you'd have been there at all...and why, now, that's no longer the case.

I can only assume it's because I've asked too much for too long, and you're worn out.
I just want to disappear. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed, I hate myself and all my wants and needs, and I feel like I should just go away and give you your life back. I want you to give me some reason to come back. Because all I can see is that I'm too much, and I'm tired of being too much, of asking too much, of wanting too much.

You asked what I hoped for after the session... I said I had no hope, because I was too ashamed to tell you that my only hope was that you'd still be there, that you'd check on me or something. It's easier to have no hope than to hope and hear 'no.' or hear silence.

I just want to give up. I want you to give me some reason to not give up.

I'm so exhausted... physically and mentally...

Dear M...I really like you, and I trust you. But I did my intensive, "real" therapy many years ago, and nowadays I'd rather not give up the hours in my day that it takes to get dressed for, go to, and spend time in, therapy. I have other things I'd rather be doing...I just don't believe that therapy is relevant at this time in my life. I want to stop going to therapy, but I feel guilty because I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm really agonizing over this.

I really want to write to you. But it feels more like a compulsion than a true desire, so I won't. I'm not sure why I feel in need of soothing. Other than kind of always feeling that way.

I don't know If I'm just making a mistake seeing new T, and it's making me anxious because he obviously is not you. The truth is I'm scared of being alone in my mind for the next three weeks before my exam- when I haven't done any exam without you for the past 19 months.

Dear T,

Very public evidence of my warrior status today in our local world and I'm sure that you have seen it. I don't really know how to feel about it as my pals comment about it.

It does make me question if what I have to offer is really valuable. And how I have trouble seeing my own value as a person, as a worker in this movement or whatever it might be. I'm curious about this, but it feels like if I scratch at it, it will open the floodgates to something I've kept locked up for a long time.

Still wondering where you are, and when I might hear from you. I tried to read my essay for you today, to practice...and there are lots of pauses.

T,
You passed the test. I should have known you would. I'm still upset that you aren't going to be here next week. You know I'm really not doing good. I'm scared. I need you so much! Please don't ever leave me!

New T D was actually very nice and easy going, I've agreed to see him next week even though his modality is CBT. It was a relief in a way to not necessarily talk about the past but focus on the now and giving me real ways to cope.

By meeting him, I feel like you've lost a bit of your halo somehow.

How cool D turned out to hit the spot, and R emailed you too. It's empowering to have some resources separated from one another .

New supervisor- I have "too many scruples"? Er... don't think so.

I made this for you. Now I just have to find the courage to give it to you...

1 week to go. One very long, boring and stressful week. Sigh....

I want to angry text you. My mind is roving around, looking for things to be angry about, which is ridiculous on several counts.

Very nice!

That's beautiful!