Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

saw baby t again today

Thank you for caring about me and even for worrying about me.
I'm very glad I see you tomorrow & that you're not gone this week.

By the time I see you this week it will be five weeks since the last appt and although it is my fault, the result of my vacation, of my escaping real life, it feels like such a long time. It will be awkward to see you. Will I be able to get back on track? Will I be able to seriously manage my semester or will I end up in a big time crash again?

I bought you an early birthday present, and spent time making a card but I don't think I will end up giving it to you before I leave again like I originally planned on doing. Nothing will be different with you either- so why drag things on for another 3 more sessions. I've got nothing left to say. I also realized that I haven't slept a full night through since I got here. I don't think you can help me anymore.

hey t i did it i went to a meeting

Yay! How was it?

i'm goign to be so nervous tomorrow.

It was pretty good all in all, thanks! Felt really positive and I'm pretty sure I'll go back.

((velcro)) You've got this.

okay, i made a plan of how i'm going to start telling you all the things i've been keeping from you. i made the plan. now i just have to stick to it. 24 more days....

.

It's sad you think your job only consists of gaslighting clients. How is anyone helped by that?

Two weeks today since that message from your colleague. I don't know what you find holy, but for the love of that, please, please, please...get in touch.

I am not doing well at the moment, and you are the only person I feel I can trust with the specifics.

Really great combination.

Had a great weekend but I missed you.

I miss you.

I see you today! ...in case you didn't know :P

Here it is Monday again. I now have a reason to really hate Mondays. It was the day I would get to see you and we would work on recentering my life and working to get my life where I wanted it to be. I always knew at the end of our time I would get a genuine safe big hug that made me realize I am a good person and worth caring about. Now my Mondays are full of hurt, pain and tears. Tears that you were in a wonderful place in life and so happy. Tears that the person who worked so hard to help take and deal with not only my pain but so many others, had her life taken in such a tragic and painful way. Tears that I was really starting to see many positive changes in my life and a huge ray of hope. All that was because of your dedication, caring, kindness and compassion. Now all I have are memories and many many tears.

Dear Dr. S,

Ok, I did it, now there is only one thing left to do. Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I be normal in this arena of life?

me

Really wish I could email u about something, I don't think I can say it in person, I will try though because you already do so much for me, can't pester you with more emails

T, I know you won't, but I wish you would.

EMDR T...thank you for going during this horrible painful time. I know you really want to help me and you are so caring and understanding. I wish I could tell you how horrible these thoughts of not wanting to live an more are. I have always told you that I would not act on these thoughts and T and psych NP have spoken to you personally to confirm this. I just don't know how to tell you how frequent and intense they are. I don't think you understand me fully yet and how I communicate.

I also wish I could email you it is days that I really miss the ability to reach out to T. I understand and totally respect your reasoning bit it doesn't make it any easier right now. I am in this crisis time having lost my T and the one form of outside contact that has helped is also gone.

I am so thankful though you have offered to help me and be supportive through all of this. Oh and once when you asked if you could hug me again caught me off guard. I felt like you might be confusing me with another client as that was that was the first time we hugged. So it felt awkward. Good but awkward. I wish we could hug again but I can't ask because I can't gave the rejection.

Could you write/type it out and hand it to your T at the start of session? I've done that before.

Dear T,
Do I ask you about the question today that you asked if I was asking last time? (How's that for a sentence!) Do I want to know if you think I'm borderline? Or at least have borderline traits? I mean, I guess, even if you do think that, it obviously hasn't kept you from working with me, which is what my fear was at the beginning, when I wonder what ex-MC would have told you about me....
LT

Dear t,

I'm not doing well. I'm tempted to call the crisis DDMI (developmental disability mental illness) people again. You're just not helping. Maybe I'll shoot you an e-mail first.

-Butterfly

I wish I could know right now what you are going to say on Thursday not just about 3 more months although of course I want to know that too. I can't imagine you'll say no but you could. It would be understandable after how I've been acting. I have other things to tell you too.

I'm sorry, t.

Dear T,

I don't know if I can ever really tell you how poorly I think I do at setting my intentions for the day and carrying through with them. It is like I am so gripped in the talons of the past stuckness, like clawing my way out of a thick, grimy liquid. Once I move from there, it is a kind of sweetness of returning to the best part of myself. I think the mistake I continually make is in thinking it will be easy, or that I can do it just because I want to.

I'd rather be swimming laps, but I don't have that blocked out until this evening. I am stronger and much more tan than a month ago, though.