Another level.

So far this week I've slept walked for the first time ever, and this morning hubby asked me if I remembered what I was dreaming about last night? I was afraid to ask him what had happened. He said I was mumbling but couldn't make out any words. I said he should have nudged me, he smiled and said nooooo I wouldn't do that.

I emailed T yesterday saying I don't fully understand what has gone on between us and that I'm afraid she is going to get annoyed with me and quit...I said I needed to email her this as I think its bothering me a great deal for me to have slept walked.

She replied that this will come and go and that what went on between us was her acting out my unconsious and that its fine for me to keep asking and talking about it with her.

I can't believe that so many horrid events I've spoken about in T hadn't had this effect on me, unyet what went on between us last week has really effected me. I mean, yeah I know my adoptive mother was a tyrant, BUT its like I've just shrugged my shoulders and got on with it. But I guess I have been thinking about it in my consiousness from an adults perspective, but when the unconsious in me is awakened its the childs feelings from back then that are awakened.

My night times were my save place, now they are being invaded too. I now know that I've got to keep going forward, got to get these unconsious defences sorted. If someone had told me this is what it would be like, I would have laughted in their faces.

It is hard, I think this is going to be the hardest thing I ever do in my life! Its taken 3yrs of T sitting listen to me and listen to me for my unconsious to have finally reached this level of trust to begin to reveal its hidden depths.

I remember this past Spring when I was at a hotel for a week with a roommate for a "class" I was taking and I hadn't ever met this woman before this class. One morning she was smiling and said, "I'm sure your husband has told you this. . ." and I was puzzled and guessed, "that I snore?" and she said no, that I talked in my sleep! I'd never done that and had trouble believing it. I asked her what I'd said and she said I was mumbling the "speech" I had to give many times each day. It was an international diplomatic thing and I was representing Venezuela so was mumbling about "the delegation from Venezuela wishes to. . .through the Chair" the formal opening I had to make everytime I wanted to speak. Of course, I NEVER wanted to speak :-) but since I was representing good old Hugo Chavez, I had to speak often, loudly, and confidently. So, I was obviously in overdrive, my own "Self" versus my supposed-to-be Venezuelan self conflicting badly.

For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak
With most miraculous organ. (Hamlet 2.2.551)

Mouse my thoughts are with you as you go through this process. You are certainly working on another level than I am right now. I can't imagine what might be going on with me subconsciously. My conscious thoughts are troubling enough at the moment. I certainly would not want to sit face-to-face with my subconscious. It sounds like really hard work.

Simply letting someone in to the dark crevasse of your mind seems like it would be very unsettling to say the least. Let alone allowing them reflect what they see back to you and then talk about it. Hmm...

You mentioned the difference between talking about horrid events and what you are doing now. Seems to me that talking about things and allowing yourself to experience them again are on two totally different levels. I am sooo way far away from this! I admire your courage.

Honestly, after reading this I am re-evaluating if I can live with remaining emotionally dead. Even though I have no idea what lies beyond my perception, I can tell you this-- I would not want to see it manifest itself physically. I think I would start hating my T.

I think you have good reason to be shaken by this experience and to be repeatedly asking her to explain what is going on. I would not feel bad about the possibility of annoying her. She is taking you here, she should be ready and willing to deal with the fallout.