[Lrad123]

When I ask my therapist a personal question he often tries to find the meaning behind my question by saying something like, “Why do you want to know that?” or “Why do you ask that question?” I know it’s a stereotypical therapist thing and he says it nicely, but I still find it strange. I’m just trying to understand this dynamic better. I understand that we are not friends and that we should not spend the hour talking about him, but an occasional question seems pretty innocent and natural. I don’t ask a lot of personal questions , but when I do, he sometimes answers them and sometimes not. I recently posted about how I had asked my T if he had any pets and he went to great lengths not to answer my question. I felt hurt by his non-response. Is this a boundary issue? Did I cross a boundary by asking and then pushing for an answer when he didn’t answer? I’m just confused and I’m seeing him tomorrow after a 2.5 week vacation during which time I’ve been holding a bit of a grudge over his choice not to respond to my question. Please help me understand.

[unaluna]

It only took me a million years to figure this out, but i think they are just trying to get us to reveal our context, so they dont derail our train of thought by bringing in THEIR context. It seems to me my t didnt stop the conversation like this after a while; he might pause a little in order to give as innocuous an answer as possible? But it didnt interfere anymore. Its not like we are looking for a speech from them, but i can see how they dont want to give the subject THEIR slant.

[SalingerEsme]

I'm the worst person to respond, bc I get soooooooo upset about this. 1) It is rude 2) it is not correct for trauma therapy under some theories 3) Is he in the CIA? Witness Protection? 4) someone on the forum wrote it is like one person is standing naked in front of someone with all their clothes on and 5) it is scary to confide in someone unknown

[magicalprince]

Wow, what a trivial question for him to get evasive about!

Once I went on a rant to my T about how dumb it felt that she should know everything about me and I can’t know anything about her. And she challenged me— “Ask me anything you’d like. Ask me anything about me.” And I couldn’t do it. It felt like a weird trap or manipulation. Like I was missing something. She was like, “You have a few minutes left. You’re not leaving here until you’ve asked me two personal questions.” And again I couldn’t do it. I think I figured she was setting me up and as soon as I asked something, she’d pull the “Why do you want to know” card. I also felt rude as if I was demanding personal information from someone. (Having pets does not seem like personal information) Her office is full of clues about her life, though. Her office makes it clear she has children, dogs, an ex-husband, etc etc... It’s all right there on the walls and in the decor. Not family photos, but plenty of hints that add up. All that is to say that I never asked her about anything. But I would have been heartbroken to have been shut down and not have my question seem valid. What I sometimes did was make assertions about her that she would affirm or deny— like the adult children part for example.

Good luck today! I hope you get some of the answers you’re looking for

[InnerPeace111]

I think the moment a therapist answers a personal question about themselves, that’s the moment the therapy becomes derailed and about the T and not about the client. The therapist’s goal is always going to be to keep the therapy centered on the client especially since payment is involved.

If anyone has ever tried Blah Therapy and signed on as the listener (as opposed to the venter) because they truly wanted to help a person in need by providing a listening ear, then surely they have come across venters who intrude with personal questions for the listener. It can feel quite hurtful to the listener who has a different agenda. Trying Blah Therapy as a listener, I think, is a great way to see some of what a T experiences. It’s a chance to see things from a T’s perspective.

I think that’s the art of psychotherapy...knowing which questions to answer and when...it’s probably a judgment call...and T’s make mistakes. No doubt about it.

[InnerPeace111]

Also, another thing to keep in mind is that a lot of our T’s have (or have had) their own T’s so they experience the same thing we do...they go through this too. They know what it feels like for us.

[circlesincircles]

Originally Posted by RiverLight

Once I went on a rant to my T about how dumb it felt that she should know everything about me and I can’t know anything about her. And she challenged me— “Ask me anything you’d like. Ask me anything about me.” And I couldn’t do it. It felt like a weird trap or manipulation. Like I was missing something. She was like, “You have a few minutes left. You’re not leaving here until you’ve asked me two personal questions.” And again I couldn’t do it. I think I figured she was setting me up and as soon as I asked something, she’d pull the “Why do you want to know” card. I also felt rude as if I was demanding personal information from someone. (Having pets does not seem like personal information) Her office is full of clues about her life, though. Her office makes it clear she has children, dogs, an ex-husband, etc etc... It’s all right there on the walls and in the decor. Not family photos, but plenty of hints that add up. All that is to say that I never asked her about anything. But I would have been heartbroken to have been shut down and not have my question seem valid. What I sometimes did was make assertions about her that she would affirm or deny— like the adult children part for example.

I'm curious how you knew she had an ex-husband?

And agree, her response feels off, like she was suddenly daring you or something.

[circlesincircles]

OP, did he explain why he didn't want to answer? Answering "personal" questions as a therapist can be a tricky line to walk in terms of not wanting to shift the focus to the therapist. But dodging innocuous questions about pets has the same effect of making it about the therapist.

I hope things go well in your session.

[awkwardlyyours]

I don’t know — honestly, at this point, I wish my therapist hadn’t told me some things that she did.

Things I didn’t ask about but she let slip — stuff about her relationships with her parents, husband and kids. It wasn’t terribly new — I’d intuited a fair bit already but having it actually spoken out loud by her, kinda hit me in the gut.

It’s really made me wonder where she is herself emotionally and I’m still (after weeks) finding it incredibly destabilizing to have that information and my interpretation of it but not to be able to talk about it in any way with her, short of saying “I think you have a whole bunch of unresolved issues that are showing up in my therapy. Please work on fixing them”.

Sigh.

At the same time, yeah, I get the anger on not having a simple question answered. I just think knowing what I know now and further seeing how I tend to emotionally react to disclosures (and pick up on all sorts of clues), I’d so much rather pick a total blank slate therapist.

[coolibrarian]

In the early days, my T would answer my question with a question. These days, I usually preface my question with something like, "I'll explain why I want to know in a minute." But if I don't say that, T sometimes still asks what a certain answer might mean to me. But, since her cancer diagnosis, I feel she is much more open to me, open to my questions. She's answered all of them, from what I remember. I'm almost 59, and still have attachment/abandonment issues. I don't know if she is as open with her other clients.

[healinginprogress]

Honestly, I try and not ask any thing that could be construed as a personal question. Mainly because I don't think I could personally handle the "rejection" of not getting an answer.

Asking about pets seems like such a strange thing to not answer though if your T has shared other things before.

I'm sorry, I don't have much to add, but I'm sorry this is stressing you out and I totally understand the feeling.

[mcl6136]

I'm currently taking a break from therapy, but one thing that my current T does EXCEEDINGLY well is to chime in at times about her own issues when they match the ones I'm struggling with, and she does this in such a natural way that I feel that I know her well, though I don't.

She shifts the discussion back to me quickly enough so that I don't think she's using MY time, yet allows me to know that she has "been there" and "gets it."

Well, on most topics, anyway.

Just pointing out that it's possible for T to disclose without harmful consequences.

It helps that I'm not a very nosy person-- I rarely ask a bunch of follow up questions.

[Lrad123]

Well I met with him today and we talked about how I felt about him not answering the pet question. I wish I could explain what happened, but I think I feel oddly better although I’m not sure I understand why. He said he thinks every question has meaning. I said I disagreed that asking him if he had a pet had any deep hidden meaning. We ended up somehow talking about a dog that I had growing up that was my best friend during a difficult time in my childhood and that my mom gave away after my dad died. Despite that conversation I still felt like I wouldn’t have cared either way about him having pets or not. He said several months ago he answered a question I had asked about where he went on vacation because he didn’t think our relationship was strong enough to handle him not answering. He also said something about if he was a “supportive therapist” he’d answer all my questions. I think I feel good that he’s not just a yes man and that he’ll challenge my thoughts, etc. I find the whole thing confusing, but I do feel a bit better. We also talked about a bunch of other stuff which seemed easier to talk about than usual so that was nice.

[Anne2.0]

I'm glad you were able to discuss it with him and you found some resolution in that. I agree with your comment about therapists as distinct from being a "yes man." I've heard a few therapy stories from people I know where they are clearly using the therapist to just give them what they want. They want to be adored and praised and told that the way they parent or treat their spouse is perfect. I don't really care what people do in therapy, but having to hear the venting about not getting what they want got pretty tiring, and the way that the bitterness seemed to linger and linger after they left therapy because of this was kind of sad. And a little too resonant about how I felt in relation to them, like they were angry when I didn't slather them with praise or want to hang out with them more. I've since dispatched these folks from my life.

I don't agree that always answering any question must happen for trauma survivors. I did a CSA survivor's group for many years, and everyone had their own way of asking their individual therapists and the group questions. I think asking a question of the T or anyone is a stand in for asking for what you want, which can be really hard for survivors. Sometimes trauma survivors have issues with seduction and use questioning as a ruse to express it. In one of our group sessions, a person who I thought otherwise had pretty healthy intimacy wanted us to go around the room and discuss what s@xual acts we engaged in with our partners and what kinds of s*x we really enjoyed. All of us said we weren't going to answer her questions. She laughed at said that's exactly what her T said when she asked him if his wife still performed a widely enjoyable (by men) act on him.

I think like most things, it's pretty nuanced when you try to evaluate what works and doesn't work for who in therapy. The only thing I know for sure doesn't work in therapy is having a s*xual relationship or other forms of abuse, or taking clients' money as a loan. I very much disagree with many posters on here that "good" T's do this or that, or that saying X or doing Y out of context of a session and a history together is absolutely wrong. It always makes sense to me, at least much of the time, that asking the T and telling the T about how something said or done affected oneself. I think that silencing in therapy is the same thing as powerlessness, and therapy is the one place where it is low risk to speak my piece.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by InnerPeace111

Also, another thing to keep in mind is that a lot of our T’s have (or have had) their own T’s so they experience the same thing we do...they go through this too. They know what it feels like for us.

Yes, when we first met my T disclosed that he had been in psychoanalysis 4x/week for 5 years. In my mind that gives him credibility.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by circlesincircles

OP, did he explain why he didn't want to answer? Answering "personal" questions as a therapist can be a tricky line to walk in terms of not wanting to shift the focus to the therapist. But dodging innocuous questions about pets has the same effect of making it about the therapist.

I hope things go well in your session.

Well, I didn’t ask him to explain his non-response as it was happening. I sort of processed it after I left our session. Today when I asked him about it he said he thinks all questions have meaning. I’m not sure I agree or what I think about it, but I’m glad we discussed it. I think I’ll be more careful about asking questions in the future.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by circlesincircles

But dodging innocuous questions about pets has the same effect of making it about the therapist.

Thank you for saying that, this is an extremely important concept that nobody really talks about.

It’s not about what a therapist does or doesn’t do, it’s more about why and how they do it.

It’s impossible to NOT answer a question. Silence, evasion are their own kind of answer too. The client still feels that impact. If a client realizes by simply asking an innocent question, they will cause the therapist to behave strangely and anxiously, that doesn’t really create a comfortable atmosphere to open up within.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Thank you for saying that, this is an extremely important concept that nobody really talks about.

It’s not about what a therapist does or doesn’t do, it’s more about why and how they do it.

It’s impossible to NOT answer a question. Silence, evasion are their own kind of answer too. The client still feels that impact. If a client realizes by simply asking an innocent question, they will cause the therapist to behave strangely and anxiously, that doesn’t really create a comfortable atmosphere to open up within.

I actually really liked this point that circles made and even brought it up today with my T. My T’s response, if I understood him correctly, was that it’s more about my interpretation that I felt blown off or unworthy of getting an answer from him. The whole interaction created a conflict that allowed us in a way to start a deeper conversation today. He doesn’t want to validate all my thoughts and feelings, but instead challenge them. I actually appreciate this, I think. At least for the moment.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I actually really liked this point that circles made and even brought it up today with my T. My T’s response, if I understood him correctly, was that it’s more about my interpretation that I felt blown off or unworthy of getting an answer from him. The whole interaction created a conflict that allowed us in a way to start a deeper conversation today. He doesn’t want to validate all my thoughts and feelings, but instead challenge them. I actually appreciate this, I think. At least for the moment.

Sometimes challenging a person's thoughts and feelings can also be called "gaslighting," and I don't know, if you ask me, it's a thin line. Anyone in any situation can just conveniently say "it's not about what I did, it's about the way you reacted to me, that's what needs to change here."

It IS about how you feel, and just from my standpoint, it seems to me like you are actually feeling skeptical of this interaction.

I mean, it's true that we can only control our own reaction to others, and not their behavior, BUT, that alone doesn't necessarily mean that you weren't blown off.

[msrobot]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I'm currently taking a break from therapy, but one thing that my current T does EXCEEDINGLY well is to chime in at times about her own issues when they match the ones I'm struggling with, and she does this in such a natural way that I feel that I know her well, though I don't.

She shifts the discussion back to me quickly enough so that I don't think she's using MY time, yet allows me to know that she has "been there" and "gets it."

Well, on most topics, anyway.

Just pointing out that it's possible for T to disclose without harmful consequences.

It helps that I'm not a very nosy person-- I rarely ask a bunch of follow up questions.

Same.

My T has lightly mentioned some things she's gone through, but I'm also not very curious about her life outside of therapy.

For most professionals, as far as I'm concerned they live under their desks, when I leave.

[circlesincircles]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I actually really liked this point that circles made and even brought it up today with my T. My T’s response, if I understood him correctly, was that it’s more about my interpretation that I felt blown off or unworthy of getting an answer from him. The whole interaction created a conflict that allowed us in a way to start a deeper conversation today. He doesn’t want to validate all my thoughts and feelings, but instead challenge them. I actually appreciate this, I think. At least for the moment.

I'm glad the session felt better for you, and that there was a little more resolution.

I tend to think it's both - your interpretation and his caginess. My therapist is exceptionally skilled at looking at her part (with me) in conflict/ruptures/misunderstandings. It gives me the space to look at both sides without shame. I say that just to give another example of how those conversations might be navigated. If it felt like his response helped you, though, that's all that really matters.

[pikenbass]

Really interesting what your t said about "supportive" therapists being more likely to just answer the personal questions. My t has offered a lot of trivial info. basically her bio in the beginning and then later on as we got closer we've talked about our animals, vacations, her spouse's job. I've never asked her anything highly personal but she's disclosed about similarities in our childhoods. I've had positive experiences with it, but I can see where it might make others feel uncomfortable or cause a t to refuse to answer especially if the question seems to have hidden meaning. Imo most of my questions are just polite. If she asks me about my holiday plans I'm going to ask about hers.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by pikenbass

Really interesting what your t said about "supportive" therapists being more likely to just answer the personal questions.

I think that makes sense. If the T always answers questions then many paths for exploration will be blocked. Especially the difficult paths that manifest themselves in frustration and even angry feelings to therapist. It is impossible to really explore frustration and anger when it is not in the room.

Some might look at it as if some therapists consciously trigger frustration and anger in their patients. The truth is that these therapists just allow also these kinds of situations happen in therapy, precisely because then it might be possible to explore it (maybe not immediately but only after a while) while "supportive" therapists would perhaps do anything to avoid the patient from getting frustrated or angry to T.