How to bring this up with T? (SH tw)

SH tw below. Please take care of yourself and only read if you feel safe to

I used to self harm when I was a teenager. Pretty badly. I have awful scars from it. My T has never said anything about the scars -- I don't know if she legitimately hasn't noticed, or if she knows but won't bring it up until I do. The only time she's brought up self harm is when she noticed cuts on my leg and asked if it was self harm (it was, but I lied to her -- which is terrible, I never lie straight to her face).

The reason I've never brought it up is because I thought it was in the past. Angsty high school me. It's been years since I've self harmed, with a few random days where I have self harmed, like five in the past four years. I figured there was no point in talking about it if it was a thing of the past, I'd rather spend time talking about things that are more relevant.

But now, I have started self harming again. I don't know why. I know I need to bring it up when I see her (not for three more weeks) but I don't know how. I obviously can't pretend like this is a new thing. But I don't know how to tell her that I've been hiding this history from her this whole time, and that I lied to her the one time she asked me directly.

It took me about ten sessions to muster up the courage to bring it up with my T. I referred to it in the past, saying that I “used to” do it when in school, but not that it was an active thing. One day, I just walked into my session, sat down and told him straight away, before I even said hello. He was surprised, but he just took it from there, guiding the conversation in such a way that made me feel safe and able to open up.

I suggest either brining it up straight away before you have time to overthink, or write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to your T at the beginning of a session. Another alternative is to email your T saying that you’d find it hard to bring up in session. Your T should be able to bring it up next time in a way that will make you feel safe.

I know it’s a hard thing to talk about, but in my case, it made me feel a lot better to talk to him about it.

Hugs to you!

I’d go in and say that you started self harming again. That it used to happen in high school, but you didn’t talk about it with her because it wasn’t something that was bothering you up until now. If you feel like you should mention the one time you lied, you can mention it happened once while you were seeing her without going into specifics. Lots of people take some time before sharing such things, I’m sure your T is used to that.

This is all great advice!

I initially did not admit the truth to my T. It was a relief to tell him. He didn’t see it as me lying—just as me having difficulty sharing something hard. Ts are very much used to people doing this.

I think getting it out in the open will feel good.

I wrote it in a note I handed to her at the start of one session. And in the note I spelled out what I didn't want in return - scolding, telling me it was bad, telling me it was dangerous.

Her response was to apologize for not bring the topic up because she had wondered if I had a history based on the pain I talked about. I tried to push off the apology but she was sincere. Now she brings it up when I get really depressed or anxious, just briefly in terms of 'any recent cutting?' We don't ever go into detail but what I had asked for in that note was a safe place to disclose it and that is what she is providing.

Thank you everyone for your responses... I am not one to write letters to T (idk it's just not my style) and I am not allowed to email her, but I like the idea of bringing it up straight away. I always do this thing where before my session I have a big plan of telling her something and then I chicken out when I see her. It's like riding a scary roller coaster. If you get on it right away, you don't have time to be scared, but if you wait in line then you get freaked out and want to leave. When I see her I plan on telling her, I guess I will update after I see her. Which isn't until august 16 thanks everyone for the advice.