Couch 173: The Odiferous One

I would find this maddening. It sounds like he's going into his head, into "analyze therapy" mode rather than being emotionally present with you. I don't see how an email wishing him a happy Father's Day is any different from any other expression of emotion or sentiment in therapy. Maybe it would be an overstep if you didn't already correspond via email but I know that you do. And I'm guessing his balking just makes you feel rejected.

For me, there is something deeply powerful about my T accepting my transferential images and fantasies. I'm guessing your email was in the realm of "I wish you could be the parent that a part of me needs," not "I am truly convinced that you are my parent, exactly as you are a parent to your legal children."

I think the difference between acting on it versus expressing it would be something like this, using the father's Day debacle as an example. Expressing it would be going to session and talking about how you had the urge to send him a father's day message, and what that was all about. Acting on it was actually sending him the father's day message.

Edit: And not saying it was wrong, I have no idea. What did you criticize him for that long about? Did he offer any resolutions?

Just wanted to say that I sometimes chase this, too. I used to hate with ex-MC if we left a session without my having at least a little of that. Though for me, with ex-MC, I was more likely to get it from him by being needy and having him reassure me/act very caring toward me rather than by me reassuring him. With current T, at times it's from him reassuring me or seeming particularly empathetic about something I shared, but other times it's more just sharing a laugh with him about something.

I don't think I've ever experienced this heady feeling of which you all speak. It sounds dangerous.

It kind of is, in a way. I'd almost consider it addictive, kind of intoxicating. I think because maybe it's giving a similar feeling to what I wanted as a child? Particularly in my experience with ex-MC (and at times with current T), it can make it easy to overlook negative stuff about the session and/or the T in general, at least in the moment. And for me, I assume it's some hormone--oxytocin? dopamine? I don't know, who knows neuroscience here?--it can actually last for hours after the session, even into the next day at times.

I need to catch up on the couch. I’m off today. Went to go run a few errands. Now I am going to go get a pedicure. Also some guy just knocked on my door trying to preach the Bible to me and wanted to hand me a pamphlet. No thank you. Get off my lawn!

I think in large part that feeling is why I went back to therapy. I hope I'm able to walk away from it after the 3 months I have committed to coming back for.... not that it's really there right now anyway. And I don't think it's going to be.

It's gonna be a long 3 months without it though.

Eta: I did a lot of good work in the past within that, it's just gonna be harder without it now if we don't find it back. I dunno. I'm rambling I guess.

Thank you. This is very affirming and exactly how I feel. It's really important to me because I am starting to doubt myself here, but it feels like his stuff. He needs to be in therapist mode in all of his interactions with me really. It does make me feel rejected and actually reminds me of something he said about T1 recently "Part of T1's abuse was to invite you to love him, then reject that love". I'm not saying it's anywhere near to that level where you could call it abuse, but it has echoes of that sentiment.

See that's why it's ambiguous fuzzy crap, because that is your interpretation of expressing vs acting on. I express a lot of stuff to him via email, but that's not considered acting on. I'm not even sure whether he considers the father's day thing acting on.
I criticised him for his failure to look at things from my point of view and I spent a lot of time saying that I question whether our relationship is able to heal past wounds when it appears to be recreating them.

The Jehovah's Witnesses have come here before.

It’s been quite some time since they knocked. First one I’ve seen in a long time. They must need recruits. Recently an ex-member exposed their practices on a show on A&E so maybe a bunch of people left.

Yeah they must need people, good for you for sending them away.

Had an eye test and ordered new glasses this morning. Does anyone else memorize the sequence of letters on the chart and parrot it back when they use the same row again?

I do the same thing in hearing tests, figure out the supposedly randomized sound pattern and press the button for when I “hear” a sound accordingly.

So I’m probably deafer and blinder than it says on paper. But it’s like I do it automatically.

I do that!

I don't, because I never remember the sequences

Scarlet — I don’t know how much of this is true with your husband but all of this really reminds me of my father and brother.

My father got himself admitted to the hospital multiple times when I was a kid for weeks on end for either totally undiagnosed conditions (like stomach ache for which there was no cause) or something that was quickly treated (like the start of an episode of jaundice) but he didn’t think he was okay even after getting it cured. Every time there’d be a solemn family meeting of what’ll happen when he kicks the bucket (he’s still alive). Same with my brother — he’s been convinced he’s on the verge of dying for every sneeze and cough.

From what I’ve observed though, I think it’s a plea for attention and emotional caring of some sort — however, they are so incapable of recognizing that they need it, let alone verbalize it, that it comes out in the form of these nonsensical health related things.

This is especially the case if all along they’ve sort of been the “stronger” party (for instance, it’s my mother who actually was really ill most of the time rather than my father; and similarly I was a pretty sick kid with bouts of asthma and other similar crap whereas my brother was largely in pretty good health).

I don’t know how to break through about it to them though — the general personality is also super controlling, aggressive and argumentative and so my strategy is just to avoid them altogether (which doesn’t seem to be an option in your case).

I'm sorry you've had to go through this too, AY. I am being honest about my H. I pride myself on being truthful. I used to lie until one day one of my lies almost got someone put in jail.

I'm not sure what happened with my H. The only thing that changed was my dad and sister moved in. Maybe the stress got to him? Maybe he felt like he lost his power? Or everyone else was getting attention?

My mom is similar, but different. She always has something going wrong with her. I don't even know anymore how many surgeries she's had. But what's different about her is that the doctors DO find something wrong with her.

Interestingly, my dad and sister are complete opposite. They don't ever go to the doctor and they hate taking any prescriptions.

We're going to see the new T in 2.5 hrs. I hope he likes him. He said last night he was a little excited to see him because he has felt anxiety and depression due to his health problems. I was surprised he admitted it.

I dont either. I freakin hate eye tests.

I hate the thing they do when they blow air into your eyes

*hides under the couch and has to be dragged out if anyone needs to speak with me*

I don’t think I’ve ever had that done. Is it a test for a specific condition?

Today they gave me “digital eye drops.” Which seemed to be flashing light at my retina while I stared at a green dot.

It's to test the pressure in your eyes I believe, it's uncomfortable

It is the glaucoma test - there was actually a lawsuit about an eye dr. who failed to do it and so now most of them do it automatically because of the low cost/discomfort but high risk if they miss it.
I never found it to be all that big of a deal to have it done.

I’ve been tested for glaucoma (I have an oddly-shaped optic nerve that puts me at risk) but it was not air-blowing. I don’t think I would like the air test either.

Yeah, and I tend to just instinctively blink my eye no matter how hard I try not to, so they have to redo it a few times, and I worry I'm frustrating them.

I'm a bad member and if anything's going to happen to me I'd rather it happen sooner rather than later