Couch 173: The Odiferous One

Artie I think the fact that he told you about it says something very special about your relationship with him.

And the verdict is **drumroll** BRUISES!

Hi scarlett i know it must be beyond frustrating with your H but i was exactly like him, i had years of tests and a&e visits convinced theree was something direly wrong. Now i am in therapy i see that some of that was caused bytrauma and the restbwas distracting me from my trauma memories. I think he should see aT if you can persuade him.

I've contacted 3 Ts for him. One emailed me back saying that if we lived in his city (which we do) then he can help us. But I haven't heard back again from him or the other 2 T's.

Don't get me wrong. I love my H. But going to all these appointments, sitting in the er for 6hrs, driving back and forth... it's too much for me. It's stressful for me. And it's not fair to me.

I'm sorry you went through the same. I don't think my H has experienced any trauma. Like I said before, this all did start around the time my dad and sister moved in. My sister is out of the picture now, so that's a lot of stress off our shoulders. I just wish I understood. I'm not usually one for a lot of empathy. Normally, people get 3 days of me taking care of them, and that's all that I can give. But this has gone on for 3 months!

Looking back, what helped you the most to deal with the anxiety? Like do you have any suggestions for what I could do to help him?

Sorry back then nothing really helped with the anxiety, if my ex tried to minimalise it i thought he didnt care and if he played along i thought he didnt understand. I really thought i was going to die on a few occasions when iit turned out that all i needed was a good fart. I didnt even recall any trauma back then because i think i was using the drama to block them. This is just my thoughts. I didnt find find people belittling me helpful but at the same time i didnt feel people who got pulled it the drama like my ex to be helpful either.

Social media and therapy might not mix, or mix only with extreme caution. . . My very strict T wrote about me on Reddit, and it bewildered and disoriented me to see this side of him. He id change both of our genders to the opposite, but he used my language and particular turn of phrase extensively, signed himself in by a name he calls me, and gave his birthday as the real birthday. The DX and case is undisguised. His main issue was he felt we build trust and made good progress despite severe CSA, but that lately the trust disintegrated over issues I complain about here a lot. He was asking for advice if he should stick to his strict training, or go in a different direction. I have a session at 9am today, and my plan is to pretend I never read this(?). I have all kinds of contradictory and strange feelings about it, especially bc he decries clients and social media mixing. I feel good that he is actually working on my case, a little betrayed that he holds himself out as an expert in my DX but might not be, and put on the spot that this accidentally happened- worlds collide type of thing. I was just reading about my DX on Reddit to try and contain the anxiety I feel working through it by learning more. I never in a million years thought that would happen. I do sometimes worry he might recognize me here, but I tend to see him as above social media and way too aloof/ busy for it. That is why it double freaks me out. I don't know f I can totally rise above and just forget it, but I think he might terminate me for what he would see as like a breach of boundaries. The only thing is I am very respectful of boundaries, and this just happened out of the blue.

I would be really tempted to post a reply saying "Try listening to your patient. And by the way, you're not as clever as you think you are."

I would LOVE too, but I think he would be embarrassed and also terminate me on the spot bc the waters are muddied and the wizard's curtain was pulled back.

I am so attached to my T is the problem

How about just telling how it was, that you searched info on your dx and read something that you think was about you by him. And tell him exactly how you feel? I don't think he terminates you because of that. Also maybe it has some potentially good material for your work together now that he sees that you see the wizard does need some help himself.

haha no. i guess i am ready cuz this morning I see that: 1) i felt my feelings last night without eating or drinking them and 2) that means i really do want him to actually grow up, not be super-controlled like i was and stunted in my emotional growth because of it.

thanks couchies for being here and helping me work through it last night.

Art, I’m glad you are letting him be the adult he is. Honestly, when I was 20 when my parents tried to tell me I couldn’t do something or even so much as muffled in my business at that age..I told them to go to hell and mind their business and that they should be grateful I mentioned it to them and just didn’t disappear for a couple days without them knowing.

I’m actually glad I’m not a parent for the sole purpose that if I was..and my kid grew up with an attitude like I had when I was a young adult-it would not be pretty for either of us.

Being a parent to adults (and older teens as they transition to adult life) is weird, and it’s freeing sometimes. There are times when my initial reaction is to wonder how the heck am I going to handle this one..then I realize oh, wait, I don’t have to handle anything. Just listen and chime in if asked.

Though I may bite my tongue clean in two trying to let them figure it out on their own....

I have been mulling over something Piaf and I discussed last time: what is manipulation? (It has to do with my fear of turning into 2ex, but she shot down every example of possible manipulation I gave her, except the time I tried to get her to say something reassuring about No. 3 by dropping hints instead of asking.)

So what’s manipulation to you? Can you give examples?

I think you should reply in Reddit. I would be furious. It's one thing to consult another professional behind closed doors, but the subreddit I assume you're talking about is visible to the whole world, not just professionals. I don't think social media is an appropriate place for sharing client cases. I don't think you crossed a boundary, as it was publicly available. If anyone did, it was him.

I would think anything that is considered emotional abuse could also be classified as manipulation. I'm sure there are lots of great articles out there on that. I don't have too much personal experience with this really.

Ah the smell of snarkiness in the morning from the self proclaimed enlightened (not about here).

To me manipulation is playing on another's emotions to get what you want. I don't think all manipulation is necessarily bad - I think it is human nature. I think are varying degrees of manipulation. I am much more concerned with someone who claims to attempt to manipulate me for my own good as opposed to someone who is out for themselves. But I find the insidious harm by do-gooders to be more treacherous than the machinations of clear cut rotters.

I would say trying to alter somebody's actions, feelings or responses for your own gain. I don't think it's always conscious and I don't think it's always cause to vilify the manipulator. My definition may be imprecise so take it with a pinch of salt.

I would think manipulation is using tactics to gain control over somebody and trying to get someone to do things that they don’t really want to do.

Take for example a therapeutic alliance. The therapist keeps thinking of more stuff the client needs to work on in order to keep them in therapy to keep making money.
Another example would be a abusive spouse or ex saying sorry each time and telling you things will change in order to get you to stay.

Esme- therapists talking about their clients online is unforgivable and unethical in my view. I see far too much of it. It feels so sad to me that you don't want to mention it in case he terminates you (ie you feel like you've done something wrong) when he is totally in the wrong. Totally. If he needs a sounding board he should open his wallet and seek supervision.

I mean, what makes him think some random morons on reddit (T forum or not) are going to be able to help him with his actual client work? Urrrrrgggghhh.

EMR..you will be a good ethical T. I can tell.

Also ATAT-I want to add to my comment that even though I gave cut and dry examples -that I don’t think manipulation is always so cut and dry. I think sometimes we are all manipulated somehow in our everyday lives-without even realizing it.

Advertising is manipulation. Snack food enticements.
All those oreo abominations that people purchase for example.