In Session Today: Part V

T and I talked about an issue that I needed help with. He helped me sort out some things. I brought up the issue that I am stuck on, but we didn't talk about it much. I am trying to not stress about it as it won't help anyway. I have scheduled two sessions a week because I am anxious about upcoming events. This includes issues at work and the fact that T is going on a month-long vacation. He told me that I can email him while he is gone, and I am thankful for that. I'm not sure that I actually need the extra sessions. However, it helps the most when I am in between sessions. It helps me feel safe that if something really bad happens, that I already have a few sessions scheduled. So, it's like just having the sessions available that helps me stay calm. It helps to know that even if people at work don't understand me, that I do have someone who does.

I told T that I am a people pleaser and whatever task she sets I will do to make her happy. She asked if I was telling her that so that she could set something for me to do and I would do it.

I told her no, I was telling her that because I have done this before and the focus becomes on pleasing the person and not on getting better. That I really wish to work at this and change and not just pretend to, to make someone happy.

Our session today mostly revolved around getting answers to some of my personal questions about T which ended up being a big relief.

In a moment of craziness during our 2-week break I had emailed T and told him of an online photo I had seen of him with his mom and sister. In the photo they look happy and loving and there’s a caption that reads “Happy Mother’s Day to a mom who keeps on giving.” I’m estranged from my mom, so I guess I was noticing the contrast. I immediately regretted telling him about finding the photo even though he had responded positively. I was worried he’d be upset or annoyed or creeped out but he wasn’t at all and that was a huge relief. He said everyone looks up their therapist and sort of laughed (in a kind way) saying that many people eventually tell their therapist about it. He completely normalized it saying that lots of people even look up their T’s address. I was worried he’d think I was a crazy stalker and immediately said I have no desire to see him outside our session and he calmly replied, “I know, I know.” Interestingly, he said he couldn’t find the photo even though it had only taken me about 5 minutes to find and was on his sister’s FB page. He apparently doesn’t use FB. I didn’t tell him about the random list of personal things I’ve discovered about him through my online search, but maybe it’ll come out eventually. I had been worried because he discloses very little about himself so I thought he might be upset that I found this teensy bit of personal information about him. But he said it’s ok for me to bring up any bit of personal info I find about him although he’s uncomfortable disclosing info because he doesn’t want to make therapy about him. I tend to be extremely slow to trust, so maybe he was just glad I was taking steps in that direction. In the course of our discussion he briefly mentioned having a daughter (of course I already knew he has 2) and talked about some difficulties he’s had with his mom. Just mentioning these things made him seem more human and perhaps ever so slightly evened out the balance of power.

We had an issue a few months ago where he did not answer my question about whether or not he has a pet. That came up again when talking about the online photo I found and I used that as an example about how he seems super private and not willing to share seemingly simple information about himself. He said it’s complicated and I said it’s not really. I mean you have a pet or you don’t and it really seemed like you were trying hard to beat around the bush. He said he didn’t mean to seem like he was playing games with me and went on to say he’s a dog person and had a dog that recently died (of course I then felt bad) and that he currently has a cat at his house but it’s not his. So I guess it was actually complicated! We had a whole discussion about how he believes every question has deeper meaning and I said I didn’t think so. He disagreed and said he thinks a cigar is never just a cigar. I still don’t really agree. Lastly, I asked him if I were to ask him where he will be going at the end of September would he tell me? He leaned forward and said he would always answer any question I had for him if I told him that I really wanted to know. That was really nice. I told him I didn’t need to know where he was going.

I pretty much always struggle to go to therapy each week and I think today’s session made me feel a little bit closer to him. Hopefully I can hang on to this feeling and hopefully it will be a little easier for me to go next week.

My session was a complete waste of time. I was floaty and disconnected the whole time, none of it felt real at all. Much of the time I sat staring at the wall.
Every now and then I tried to lunge myself out of it, only to fall back into nothing seconds later.
Then it was time to leave.

Echos you were so brave in session, thank you for sharing this. I love how he reacted to your question. I think that's really rare in a T, to be so open with a client to how they feel.

Thanks Lemoncake. Yeah he's courageous too i think. In fact I think that he models telling me how he feels encourages me to open up too. Feels safe because I can trust him to be real. Appreciate the hugs

T yesterday—extra session to deal with stuff from Monday. Went back and sat down. T had printed a copy of my email from Monday night--I said I had a copy, too. He asked where I wanted to start. I said I probably should have figured that out before session. He suggested we start with the ex-MC part, and I said OK.

I'd said in email how it felt like Monday, T had said I'd done something wrong in telling ex-MC that I loved him, that I felt like he was saying that what happened with him was all my fault. T: "The only mistake you made was sharing something like that and not being prepared for him to have a big reaction to it." Me: "Um..." T: "I'm trying to help you understand how people can react to you. That in choosing to tell someone something, you need to understand how it can affect them and how they could react." Me: "OK...I get that, but...it still seems like you're trying to say it's all my fault what happened. When I don't think it was just me. I think it was some stuff with ex-MC, too."

T said he wasn't trying to assign blame, that some of ex-MC's inconsistent boundaries likely contributed. He mentioned ex-MC's excessive self-disclosure. T: "It probably felt to you that he was letting you into his world." Me: "Yes, it kind of did. I don't know that he realizes the effect it had on me or could have on other clients." T: "He probably doesn't." Me: "He'd say it's just who he is as a therapist."

I said I couldn't believe that I was the first client to tell him I loved him. T: "And Ex-MC is a lovable sort of guy, very warm and sensitive and caring. He's squishy." Me: "Yeah, it's why I said a stuffed animal made sense to represent him."

Me: "When you said boundaries, I assumed you meant because he was our marriage counselor." T: "Well, there's that, too. It complicated things." Me: "I kind of feel like...the way he was inconsistent, that he was sometimes willing to talk to me on phone but other times not, that he would sometimes reply to email sometimes not, that he would say we could talk about anything in session sometimes, then other times say we had to stick to marriage counseling stuff--it felt like that contributed to my insecure attachment." T: "Hm, like intermittent reinforcement. That makes sense." Me: "Yes, like sometimes he gave me what I wanted so I kept pushing him to get it, to get more of it."

I said sometimes I wished that I could have just been working with ex-MC, so that we could have fully addressed it. T: "Well, but that could have had its own set of problems. Then you would just be a man and a woman sitting in a room talking, with no H there." Me (thinking...isn't that what I'm doing right now with you?): "True."

Me: “Maybe I just define love differently, like I have a lower threshold. Where some people would think it means I’d take a bullet for them.” T: “That could be. Maybe for you it could be how someone makes you feel when you’re with them, for example.” Me: "Yes. So my saying love might seem scary to someone because of what they think it means. Which is different from what I mean. when I say it." Mentioned how a guy had dumped me after I said I loved him, and how I'd vowed never t say it first in relationship after that. And with people since then, including H, if I started feeling love toward them, it was like "Oh no, what if they can tell, what if they can figure it out." I forget what T said to that.

Said I wanted to cover some other topics in email too. Brought up the ever-present original stone, how his reaction to that still continued to affect me. I said it wasn't so much that I wanted an apology for what he said, I just wanted him to really understand why it upset me. Like when he called it "10% creepy" and compared it to digging through a celebrity's trash. T: "But remember, I said that was on the other end of the spectrum." Me: "But I don't want to be on that spectrum at all!"

I asked why he was OK giving me the stone now for the trip--was it because it was for a set period of time? T: "Maybe that's part of it, but it's really more that I know you better now and I think I understand what's going on with it."

Then I made the stupid decision to bring up looking at his photo. Me: "What I don't understand is why you were bothered by the stone when you thought it was about you, but then you seemed totally fine with my looking at your photo, which is very clearly about you. It's not like I was looking at a photo of the building." T: "Well, I wouldn't say I was totally fine with it. Maybe 5% bothered." Me (starting to cry): "What? I thought you were OK with it?" T: "But that's such a tiny amount. It's barely anything at all. I don't see why it's so upsetting." Me: "Because I don't want it to be any percent. I just want you to be OK with it."

T: "I'm not immune to you, LT." Me: "What?" T: "Things you say and do affect me. I'm not going to hide that. I'm trying to teach you how other people can be affected by what you choose to share. So that maybe you'll think more carefully about it before you share with them." Me: "...Are you trying to say if something like this happens in the future, I shouldn't share it with you?" T: "Well, you should really think about the effect it could have." Me: "But wouldn't something like that have therapeutic value? Like, say, why I was looking at your photo one week but not another?" T: "I'm just saying to think about what you share." Me: "And I know you're trying to get me to know how affect other people...but I'm not going to tell my friend that I missed her and looked at her photo. Well, possibly a family member, but...I think that's kind of normal."

I started crying, "I just have trouble internalizing things, internalizing other people's feelings for me. Not just with you, with anyone. So I need the outside things sometimes. And I don't want to have to hide that." I forget what T said to that. I asked if it would bother him if I went back and read some of his emails to me. He said no, that he wrote emails to clients with the thought that they might revisit them, so that's fine. Me: "OK, that's part of why I initially wanted you to reply to Monday's email, so I'd have it to look at. But then I realized I was sort of afraid of how you'd reply, and we'd only have Friday before the break, so..." T: "I think it's better we met. I've said some fairly harsh things today, and it's better that I'm able to see your reactions to those." Me: "Yes, some of this would have been even more difficult over email."

Me: "I know we're near the end, but there's one other thing I want to bring up that wasn't in the email but that I thought about from Monday." T: “Is this going to be a uncomfortable place to end session?" Me: "I don’t think so, I just want to clarify something, an impression I got." T: "OK." Me: "So when we were talking about secure attachment, you were listing various things you'd said, like told me you wouldn't abandon me, worked through conflicts with me, said that you'd tell me early on if something I did bothered you. And it sort of felt like...I got the sense that you were frustrated with me. But it's not easy, if I've had attachment issues my whole life, to just hear those things and be like, Oh, OK, everything's fine now. So...are you frustrated with me?"

T (in a caring voice): “I’m not frustrated with you, LT.” Me: "OK, thanks." T: "As you know, I can be rather intense at times." Me: "Yes." T: "When I was saying those things to you, it's because I really hate that you have to struggle with the attachment, I don't want you to be suffering." Me: "Oh. OK. Thanks."

T: "I know some of this has been difficult for you today." Me: "Yes." T: "You often seem to react more strongly than I expect you to. So I'll sometimes try to dial back the level of intensity or feedback for you." Me: "I appreciate that." T: "Sometimes I think maybe you need to tell me what you want from a topic, what you're looking for from me." Me: "OK." T: "But I am going to give feedback. Because I want to help learn to listen to and trust your internal voice first, rather than someone else's." I think I started crying here--or said something that prompted his next comment.

T: “Maybe the question should be: Do you think you can handle me?” Me: "...I think so." T: "OK. But just think about it." Me: "I will. But this makes me think of a recent forum post. Where someone had just started seeing a new T, and they were pretty harsh to them, but then they felt it was helping. And I replied to it, talking about you, saying how you say some harsh things to me as well. But that I wonder if I need to hear those harsh things and experience the emotions that come with them, in order to really get at those emotions and work on them. Like shame, for example. And I feel like I'm making progress with you, even though it's been painful at times. But I think maybe I have to do with the pain to move forward. Does that make sense?" T: "That makes a lot of sense." Me: "OK."

Confirmed Friday. T said would be fine to schedule half-hour call while I'm on vacation next week, that I could just text or email about a time. Went over and paid. Usually he stays seated while holding out his hand to me, but this time he stood up like on other side of his chair from me then was walking around to me, and I wasn’t sure if he’d forgotten the handshake and wondered why I wasn’t leaving or if he was going to shake it standing up. To break the awkwardness, I just held out my hand, and he shook it. Said he’d see me Friday, I said I’d see him then and “thanks for the extra session, though I know this is your job.” He smiled. (I was sort of hoping for a "take care," but oh well.)

I shared a feeling I never thought I would. Once again he’s proved to be safe and trusted. I don’t know how many more times he’s going to have to do that before I can express myself and let it all out. I need it, we know it, yet there’s still something shutting me down when I get close.

I don't like your T, LT. He's wishy-washy. You should be allowed to speak freely without fear of his petty reservations.

Your T seems to be trying to tailor therapy just for you. He is trying to empower you in a very particular way, that same message as Andi McDowell to James Spader in Sex Lies and Videotape . You affect me, you affect MC with your words, you can't say things that have no effect on others and the feelings of others about you. People aren't immune to you- and that is good and bad. I think about the bond between you and your T in terms of children- how they are differently affected by words and how you have to be. And how he is there telling you hey LT, if you tell me you love me, then I am going to react huge bc that is a huge statement. I don't know if that s right.

I think this is a big deal, checking out your perception of his perceptions. I don't think too many people are good readers of other people, especially when it relates to reading others about us. And when we have an emotional reaction to our wrong perceptions, that's the cost. Most people are hard to read, and some (unlike your T) either can't or won't tell you what they think.

What has been helpful to me when I've checked out my guesses about T's emotional responding is that what I've read as anger or frustration is really his desire (similar I think to your T) to help me, to relieve my suffering (or as he sometimes says, "to rescue you from that x,y, or z"). I'm not sure if this is the same thing your T is saying, but it seems in the neighborhood. I think asking about whether my perceptions of him have been accurate has given me a strong sense of whoa, I'm way off there, especially because I'm reading his desire to help as something negative about me. I think it's also been useful in decreasing my anxiety about what other people think, because it seems pretty clear I can't know unless I check it out with them. And if I'm unwilling or unable to do so, I prefer to proceed on the most benign interpretation possible. It's helped me let go of a sense that people react negatively to me, or if they do, that I don't mind unless I'm unhappy with my responses to them.

I think it's great your T willing to be straight with you about this. It seems like he has said a couple of times that he wants to help you with your understanding of how people react to you. The understated part of this may be that you often distort what you think about other people's reaction as most of us do, over interpreting them as negative, which I think in turn drives your anxiety about their reactions, which may spin into a cycle because then your anxiety may drive behavior towards others that makes them want to back off, then that feels negative/bad, rinse, repeat, etc.

I think when therapy is a safe place to check our perceptions like this out, it's possible to make great progress in interrupting cycles of negativity.

I think Anne2.0 has a great point about using therapy to check in about others' perceptions of us. But I think the key word is "check in." I don't think the client necessarily needs a lot of input about what the therapist feels (especially if there is a negative component to it) before the client has a solid grasp on what they're experiencing, why, and how they [the client] feels about it. I think that's true even if the client prematurely asks if something is okay with the therapist. I can think of times when I have been highly emotional about something that brings me shame and have asked my therapist if it's okay. She usually mirrors my feelings back to me and tells me that my feelings are okay. I don't think that would be the right time for her to say, "Well, I myself am feeling a little uncomfortable right now..." I think it would be better for her to keep her impressions to herself and maybe use them later to inform her response if a similar thing is coming up in a story I'm telling about an interaction with somebody else, or if I get to a point where her discomfort is relevant to pushing my therapy forward. (I admit that this is hypothetical because I don't know that my T has found any of my behaviors or thoughts creepy or uncomfortable. But then she generally has a pretty good understanding of why I do the things I do, even when I initially don't.)

LT, a lot of your most upsetting experiences have centred around peoples responses to you (take MC for example) so I don't think you are under any illusions about the way people respond to you. That's why this T reiterating a similar response to those you've experienced in the past seems less than helpful. It seems like further rejection and shaming. Much better, I would have thought, to explore where these needs are coming from and deal with that, rather than to supposedly try to educate you on his own ideas of what other people might be thinking. The irony that he accuses you of mindreading...

I don't know whether he has completely missed what an intuitive and attuned person you are, LT, but thinking he can somehow change the way you relate to others by telling you what others have told you before is patronising and really underestimates your ability to work this stuff out for yourself, I think. There are underlying needs driving your behaviour, not a misunderstanding about what other people think.

It seems to me it is a misunderstanding when LT said to T that she sensed he was frustrated but it turned out he was not, he was wanting to help her end her suffering. I don't have any special skills to determine who is or is not intuitive or attuned, but I think that even the most gifted of people often misperceive what they think other people are thinking and feeling without checking in with them to test whether these assumptions are correct. The people I've known who claim they are excellent at reading others pretty much uniformly aren't, but they've constructed an alternative reality where they believe they are correct and do not seek or pay attention to information that contradicts this.

I don't see any patronizing, just direct answers to questions and a willingness to engage what is brought to therapy.

Yes! This is so spot-on! One last thing before I stop clogging up the In Session thread: my anxiety around needing to know what other people are thinking (and my assumption that their perception of me is very negative) comes from a childhood need to know what my passive-aggressive/ambivalent mother was thinking so I could contort myself and my behaviors enough to please her and get the care/attention/protection that I desperately needed. It worked then when she was so emotionally unpredictable and inconsistently available, but it doesn't work for me now that I'm surrounded by stable people who genuinely care about me. If your anxious attachment style has similar underpinnings, then your therapist's insistence on making his reactions such a central focus of therapy will threaten to replicate past experiences and probably won't actually help you become more confident in yourself and comfortable in your own skin.

May respond more later, but wanted to say we actually addressed his claiming to know what others (ex-MC, H) are thinking today. And T said he's just giving his thoughts, that he admits he "doesn't know jack s*** about what they're actually thinking." That if he, for example, suggests what my H could be thinking, that I could say, "You know, that doesn't sound like something he'd think."


I think we came to a better understanding about a lot of similar issues today (like my feeling he's judging me, etc.). I know none of that will change your opinion of him, but it's like he and I seem to get each other more now and identified some areas we need to work on--both with me and with the therapeutic relationship--going forward (areas that I fully agree with).

Since there are a few negative comments about your therapist, LT, I feel like chiming in at this point and saying that I don't see where he is doing you any harm. You seem to be progressing nicely. It sounds like you know this, and I commend you on pushing through despite how painful it can be. I think many people here, myself included, could stand to learn from your example. Although C has been in therapy for many years, I never participated myself beyond a session or two until recently, so therapy is rather new to me. I have come to the unpleasant conclusion that therapy isn't meant to be pleasant and the therapist isn't there to coddle you. I'm not saying that painful therapy = good therapy, but I do think that progress is probably often necessarily painful. With your particular issues, I don't know how it could be otherwise. Anyway, just my two cents.

T today. Exhausting as always.

T: We need to talk about it, Em

Me: I know

T: How does it feel, talking about how we need to talk about it?

Me: I just don’t want to go back there. It’s done. It’s all in the past.

T: But Em, just based on what you’ve told me so far, you already go back there every day. Part of you might know that this is all in the past, but the rest of you is still living in that horror.

Me: *winces at the word “horror”* Well how do I stop that then?

T: We need to start talking about it.

Me: You said that already.

T: Once we start addressing this, then I won’t need to say it anymore.

Me: Oh, that reminds me...*starts launching into a completely unrelated story*

T: Em, if you want to go there, then it’s your choice. I understand this is difficult. But, I really think we should try and open this locked box now. I really want to help you feel better, and that means keeping us in this direction.

Me: It’s too painful.

T: I know. And I’m sorry. But remember, when you went through this, you faced it alone. You survived. You’re not alone anymore. I’m right here and I will do wat I can to help you through this. But you need to be willing to go there.

Me: Every time we come close, I get scared. How do I make sure I can handle everything when I leave after the hour is up?

T: It is a conundrum isn’t it? I ask you to dive into this and then show you the door several minutes later.

Me: What if my pain can’t follow a time limit?

T: I don’t expect that it can. By pushing you to talk, I am partly responsible for that pain. Which means, I am also partly responsible for alleviating that pain. If things become too much during the week, please reach out and contact me. I will respond. In the meantime, we can also find other ways to help. We can manage this, we just need to find the right formula. So, can we try and start now?

Me: okay.

Needless to say, the session ended in tears and lots of it. Also ended several minutes over.

This is me. I always plan to do or say more and sometimes even practice, then I get there and can barely talk.

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. T was wearing his Super Mario mushroom socks again. I started with something that happened that morning, where I felt H was harsher to D than he should have been. And how I've felt that way at other times recently but wasn't sure if I was overreacting or how to handle it. I was going to include details in this post but thought better of it. So I'll just say we had a discussion about parenting, and T seemed to agree with how I was seeing things. And gave me some advice on how to address it with H and to make sure we're on the same page about parenting stuff. T: "Consistent bad parenting is actually better for a child than inconsistent good parenting." Me: "Oh, so any kind of consistency is better?" T: "Generally, yes."

T said we could continue on the topic (had been 15 minutes) or go elsewhere, up to me. I said I did want to share something positive. That I'd called my mom to tell her H and D were going to beach a day before I was (parents are already down there--we're staying with them), and I expected her to get upset and protest, but she was just like, "OK." I said how H had said he heard what I said to her, and I seemed very matter-of-fact, "This is what we're doing to her." Me: "I think some of what I've learned in here is helping." T smiled. I gave more details, saying I'd explained that it had been a rough week with work and other stuff, and I just needed a day to recover.

T: "What I really like there is how you just said to her, 'Here's what we're doing.' It was a statement, not a question." He said I did include some explanations in there, which could have opened it up to her questioning me. I asked how I should have handled it if she'd done that. T: "Something like, 'Mom, I understand your feelings about this, but this is just what works best for me right now.' That way, you're acknowledging her feelings but still asserting what you're doing." Me: "Yeah, it can just be difficult." T: "Being assertive is very difficult for a lot of people, especially for someone like you who tends to want to be nice and please people." Me: "Yeah...and it came up in marriage counseling that when I tried to be assertive with H, it's like I overcorrected and was too harsh at times." T: "That's a good observation, and it can often happen. It's a difficult balance."

T talked more about wanting me to trust my inner voice: "It's something I want for you." He said he wanted it to be more like a dictatorship, "an LT dictatorship." I questioned that comparison a bit, and he said ideally, everyone is their own dictatorship of sorts, but it doesn't mean you have to be mean to everyone else, you can be a nice dictator (or something like that!)

We both started to say something at once. T said I could go ahead, then I said I forgot where I was going, so he could. T: "Uh...hm...I've lost what I was going to say." Me: "Are we going to spend the last 20 minutes just going, 'you go ahead,' 'no you!'"

T asked if I wanted to address anything else. Me: "I couldn't decide whether to bring this up. I struggled some after Wednesday's session. I wasn't sure what to think of some of what you said. Like when you asked if I could handle you." I said I'd talked to a friend or two who aren't really fans of his for a sort of reality check. T: "Did you get what you were looking for from them?" Me: "I'm not totally sure what I was looking for honestly. I guess I just...I know some people say I shouldn't keep seeing you, one reason being that you can't help me with my core attachment issue. But...maybe...you are helping me with that in a way. Maybe in a way different from how a psychodynamic T would, but still ultimately helping."

Me: "I guess in thinking about your question of whether I could handle you...I was just sort of thinking...are you sitting there wondering, 'what is she still doing here? Why isn't she going somewhere else?'" (I started crying.) T: "By someone else, you mean a different therapist?" Me: "Yes." T: "I haven't thought that, LT." Me: "OK, good." I said what I was trying to evaluate was: Is he helping me more than hurting me? And I felt like he was helping more, by a considerable margin. T seemed maybe a bit relieved to hear that.

Me: "It was just difficult when I said with the stone thing how I felt judged by you. And you didn't seem to understand what I meant. I think you actually said in the email that you didn't understand. And I tried to explain it more, but you still didn't get it, so I just kind of gave up and backed down." T: "I'm sorry you felt you had to back down. We could have discussed it more if it meant that much to you." Me: "I guess I just didn't see the point after a bit. But maybe...in the future, I'll keep trying to explain." T: "You should. And I'll do my best to understand." Me: "OK."

T: "But I am curious as to what you define as 'judgment.' Because what I was saying earlier about thinking you did well on the phone with your mom--that's judgment, too." Me: "Hm, I didn't really think of that." T: "So is it just about negative judgment?" Me: "Yeah, I guess, like stuff where someone is critical of me. Especially if it's something I already feel negatively about regarding myself." I tried to give examples but they weren't quite right. Me: "Would it help to just mention in the future when I feel judged, whether by you or someone else, and then we can explore where it's coming from?" T: "Yes, that would help."

Me: I think also...I feel weird saying this. It came up when talking to a friend." T: "Did the friend say this or you?" Me: "I did, it was a realization I had when talking to her." T: "OK." Me: "But I guess I worry that...OK, so my mom was always saying that I shouldn't share things with people. Like I should keep parts of me hidden. And so...in a way it feels like you're doing the same thing, giving me the same message. And I'm worried that's not helpful to me." T asked me to explain what I meant a bit more, and I tried. He said he's not trying to say I have to hide parts of me. He's just trying to help me understand the effect I can have on people. Like his comment of he's not immune to me, that applies to anyone I interact with. T: "I'm not saying you should avoid sharing this with people. Just that you should be mindful that what you do share will live in that relationship going forward." Me: "OK. And I guess not everyone would be honest and tell me like you, so then it could affect how they are toward me without me even knowing why." T: "Yes."

Me: "I guess another thing is...I mean, I know you're trying to give me other people's perspectives, how they might have reacted to what I said, like ex-MC or H. With ex-MC, I feel you were trying to put yourself in his head. But the thing is...how can you really know what he was thinking? I mean, unless he told you. And with H, I mean...you've never even met him, so..." T: "You're absolutely right--I don't know jack-s**t about what they're actually thinking." Me: "OK." T: "I'm just trying to give you a perspective on what *could* be going through their head, but I don't know. And if you said to me, 'No, that doesn't seem like something H would think,' I'd say, 'OK, maybe something else.'" Me: "OK."

I said I was also struggling a bit with his saying he was 5% bothered by my looking at the pictures. I said I mentioned it to a friend, and they were like, "I wonder what the other 95% is?" T smiled: "That was a good question!" Me: "They also said how 5% is really nothing." T: "They're right." Me: "And the thing is, I want it to be 0%. I tend to be like that though, how I'll focus on the 5% negative, not the 95% good." T: "So this isn't the first time you've realized this? It's a pattern?" Me: "Yes, definitely, like the glass half empty. And I don't know how to change it. Maybe it's something we could work on in the future?" T: "Yes, we certainly can."
Me: "I also worry that you're thinking of what I told you, like about the pictures or the stone, and you're wondering if that's just the tip of the iceberg, like what other creepy stuff am I doing?" T: "I don't wonder that. If I did, I'd tell you. I'd be honest. And now that you've brought it up, it would be especially dishonest not to tell you if I was thinking that." Me: "OK, good."

Me: "I was a little worried about bringing up some of these topics near the end, because I didn't want to end session on a bad note, since I won't be seeing you for a while." T (looking confused): "Aren't I seeing you early next week?" Me; "Uh, no, I'm out of town then. We're supposed to talk on the phone Wednesday?" T looks at calendar and says, "Oh, I guess not then. Not sure what I was thinking of."

Confirmed the Wednesday phone call and logistics (like who's calling who, regular call instead of video). He confirmed I only wanted half hour, saying he'd have to get off phone at 1:25, as he had session after. He might schedule something in half hour before, but if I decided I wanted full hour let him know. Me: "Unless everything is going to h*ll on the vacation, I think I'll be good with half hour. I'll let you know if I change my mind." Scheduled for regular session Tuesday after Labor Day when he's back.

As I was going over to pay, I said again how I'd worried about topics, saying, "I was wondering if in the last 20 minutes, I should have just talked about bunnies or something." T: "I actually hate bunnies...I'm just kidding, I have no issues with bunnies!" I laughed. Me: "I'm sure I told you about the bunny I had as a kid, right?" T didn't think so, so I told him about the giant rabbit as I was paying. T (shaking my hand): "Enjoy your vacation, OK?" Me: "OK, I'll do my best!" T: "And don't forget sunscreen." Me: "I won't!" T: "And wear a hat!" Me: "OK!" T: "But really, I hope you enjoy yourself." Me: "Thanks. Talk to you Wednesday." It felt like a really warm good-bye, the way I'd want to head into a rather stressful family vacation and T break.

Okay - i have to stop and correct t here - consistent bad parenting is not better than anything. Its just bad.

Yeah, I was a little puzzled by that--I assume he didn't mean something like abusive or neglectful, more mediocre.

Dunno, I’ve heard the same from Blondie.

That, for instance, it would be much easier for me to figure out (and likely sever ties with) my family if my parents had been consistently bad — else I’m stuck in the current mess of trying to figure out if the bad outweighed the good or vice versus and more importantly, what does it mean that they could switch from good to bad for no apparent reason and so on.

Sorry! Aside from that criticism i do like what he said about the little dictator - i can see that in myself too, esp talking to relatives. Geez my mom used to push me around SO MUCH. So telling your mom, these are our travel plans and not getting any pushback, i think thats a very tangible sign of progress. Thats like my aunt said to me yesterday, call us when you find your passport. Not "hurry up and find your passport." Not a demeaning command, just defining a boundary.

It seems to me that there's a massive irony in this.