In Session Today: Part V

Yeah, I do get what you mean. But I see it more as, "I want you to learn to fly on your own so that you can leave the nest."

He's not helping to encourage your autonomy by telling you what he wants you to do.

Yeah, that's what I mean about understanding the irony...also probably not the best approach for a client who has admitted past (present?) paternal transference issues. And authority figure issues in general. It's not the first time he's used similar phrasing, stuff like, "Where I hope you can be." But he more often phrases it more as "we" like "what we're working toward," which makes it feel like a partnership. And I do agree with his goals, I'll often say "I want that, too." But yeah, I get what you're saying...

Thanks for your comments. I agree that progress can be painful. The thing is, I can see some really clear benefits in my "real life," which makes me think it's worth it. It would be different if it seemed like only pain, with no progress. And if it starts feeling like that, I'll have to seriously reevaluate whether to stay with this T (which I've already reevaluated that a few times) and/or to stay in therapy at all. For now, just going to keep pushing forward.

Agreed. And that's good your aunt said that in a nondemeaning way--maybe she's seeing a different side of you? Like that you won't put up with her being demeaning? One thing T has talked about a few times, including yesterday (though I didn't include it) is about my setting boundaries with others. And also how all relationships, not just in therapy, have some sort of boundaries. And that it could help to define mine more, like opt to set boundaries with my mom instead of, say, letting her be in charge of the boundaries.

LT, exactly! Like she also asked about my SIL's health, and when i said i didnt know, she just kinda acknowledged that we are not in touch and didnt push it, no guilt trips or anything.

Does that apply to therapists too?

Saw my T for the first time this week.

He asked how my weekend had been. I started off by telling him how I was upset after the last session on Friday, I was a bit sad. So when I left and saw a cat right outside his office, I was very happy and petted it for 15 minutes or so. Then when I got up to leave, it took my hand with both front paws and bit me! So I had to go see my doctor, he put my arm in a cast so a possible infection won't spread, so I couldn't use my right hand until yesterday evening! I was frustrated after because it kind of prevented me from thinking about my last session, since I was angry at the cat instead.

T asked what might have caused me to be sad. I answered that I thought about it even though it was a bit hard due to the cat thing. The main issue I could make out was that he tells me to calm down so quickly. Like he asks what I feel, I say for example 'sad' and almost right away he goes 'okay, calm down, do XYZ to calm down...' and then I don't feel anything anymore because the tiny amount of emotion that was around vanishes due to calming down. And then I'm confused, because he just asked about what I feel, and now he makes it go away instead of working with it...

He said I have a way of making people wanting to take care of me. Like with one of my friends, I used to behave in a certain way and then he'd try to calm me down and hug me. And I do the same thing in therapy and he also reacts to that. And sometimes he maybe helps me too much, since a goal of my therapy is to learn how to do it myself. He should stay back more.

I said it's not mainly that he helps me calm down, it's that he does it so quickly. He doesn't know how I feel, so telling me right away to calm down doesn't help, especially when I feel so little that it all goes away as soon as I do the things he tells me to do. I then also mentioned that I was sometimes a bit scared he'd get mad if I didn't do what he wanted me to. For example last session he told me to sit upright to calm myself down. But at that point I had already calmed down by just doing some breathing stuff and trying to focus on how the chair felt beneath my hands. But he wouldn't stop bugging me about sitting upright until I did.

T: "Yeah... I'm kind of a control freak, in private too...". He said thanks for letting him know, that he knows this is his issue and that he needs to work on that. He explained that we are a team and both work together, so it's good when I tell him what he's doing wrong so he knows. He also explained where that thing with sitting another way came from. He said if I lie down, I look helpless and dependent. And that usually therapy tries to avoid dependency. So his idea is to sit differently because that influences your feelings. He said there's studies that show that if you are for example sad and smile, you feel a bit more happy, just because of the movement. Even if you are not really happy. So he had the same idea with my posture.

I answered that sitting like this lets me feel better and I'm more comfortable like this. He replied that we'd already talked about this a few times. And that it's most important that I feel like I can think properly and feel properly. So if it works better like this, then it's fine. He just needs reminders sometimes.

We then went on to talking a bit about some issues I currently have with friends as well as parents. It was mostly a light session. In the end he again thanked me for bringing up what bothered me about him and said he'd try to work on it.

As I walked into his drive a workman said "don't fall down the trench round that corner" he's having some sort of work done on his house and they've dug a trench in front of his house, but not the way I go. I told him I'm not going that way but thanks. I went into T's room and sat down.

told him about seeing certain family members I spent a great deal of time with as a child but rarely see now. I said it felt like a time warp because they haven't changed at all. They are still having the same conversations. I said I felt uncomfortable with them. Particularly because they talked a lot about certain deceased family members that have caused me a lot of pain and trauma. I said I felt like the person I was before when I saw them. It made me doubt the point of trying to be someone different because the spectre of that family still looms. It makes me question which version of me is authentic, the then or the now. Makes me question the point in it all and the truth of it all. He said he wanted to emphasise that he believes everything I have told him about trauma and hopes I still keep believing it's true. I said of course I do, I remember it, it's just part of me that doubts, and the wider question of who am I?

We talked a bit about trauma. I said a week feels too long between sessions. It's too much. He said "are you saying you want something more intense, more frequent?" I said "I just want it not to feel so bad.". We were quiet for a long time and he said "I'm not sure how we can achieve that". I was silent some more.

He started talking about how I may not remember specifics or maybe I will as time goes on and he knows I want to know what happened and I just felt a million miles from him because I know I will never remember more about what happened than I do now. I felt like he didn't understand me. I just kept thinking "you can't help me, you can't help me".

He asked what I was feeling and I told him I felt far from him and like he can't help me. He asked me what that felt like and I said empty because if he can't help me there's nothing. He said that sounds very final. I asked him what his understanding on what "working on it" is. He looked a bit daunted by the question. He started talking about the fact that I have a block on the associated feelings and that's causing me difficulty, so working on it is about exploring what's happening there. finally I felt like he got it. It's not about trying to remember specifics, it's about the feelings. I felt a bit better then.

I said we still hadn't answered the question of how I am going to manage between sessions. I used an analogy that the feelings are like a fire right next to me. I can feel the heat just because they are near. I can't look because it is too bright and I can't touch because it is too hot. I said that I feel like he provides me with the oxygen so at least I can breathe. He said it sounds like the feelings are consuming between sessions. I said yes and I'm not even touching or looking at them yet.

He asked if I wanted to borrow his fidget toy. I was incredibly touched because I had borrowed it when he went away and he had hinted that he had missed it. He plays with it ALL THE TIME. I thought it was so sweet of him, and while I would have loved it, I didn't want to take it away from him. I smiled and said it's alright. I might ask to borrow something else from his room like a stone next session.

I asked if I could touch his hands and he said yes. He sat forward in his chair and his hands were so warm and mine so cold. His hands were soft and it felt good to touch them. I let go and looked at him and he looked back at me. We were a little closer than usual because he had sat forward. I looked into his eyes and felt connected to him. It was the end of the session so we stood up and I asked for a hug. We hugged tight.

I said goodbye and he said ooh the trench has a drawbridge. I said you can be king of the castle. He laughed and I left.

Some of these events might be out of order. It was an intense session and I've been running on fumes since the beginning of the school year.

I was running a couple of minutes late. When I came into the waiting room where I saw T sitting in the Tuesday room. "I'm glad I'm not the one running late today. I'm glad you're here. I was worried."

I came into the office and closed the door behind me. "i guess we have a lot to discuss today, don't we?" he said. I breathed a sigh of relief that he'd read the email.

"I imagine that we do."
"So why don't you tell me what led you to sending it?"
I rolled my eyes. "I told you why I sent the email in the email."
"Well, I know what I thought of the email, but I'd rather hear it from you so that I don't misinterpret it."

I told him that I was upset with him at the end of my previous session. I didn't write about it, but basically we were doing EMDR processing around my CSA. I was hesitant to do it, and told him so. He said that he would leave enough time at the end of session, and I was mad. After I left, I only continued to escalate. So I looked at the email as a form of catharsis. I didn't want to have that anger continue to fester. And I needed him to know that he was wrong.

"I'm sorry, Daisy. I didn't mean to hurt you." I laughed. "Why is that funny?"
"My feelings weren't hurt. I'm here for a service, and you didn't uphold your end of the bargain."

He said that he agreed, and that this seemed like a good opportunity to clear up some things between us. He said that he wanted to focus on communication and trust.

I told him that trust played into part of the reason I came. I remembered our session after VDay and how he'd hoped that if I ever wanted to leave, that it'd be beneficial to meet to try to repair trust.

He said that was true, but also felt like more pressing is that our communication was misattuned. That I wasn't conveying my needs to him and he wasn't conveying his decisions on therapeutic approaches effectively.

I said I felt like I conveyed what I needed to the best of my ability. That if I was able to hold good boundaries about what I needed or didn't need, he might be out of a job. I'm pushing myself too hard, and that I just want to be well. So I guess I trust that he'll keep me safe while I do my work.

He said that his biggest concern was expressing myself at the end of session. How he hasn't seen any change in the flattening of my affect as I leave. I still "turn off," and that it makes it difficult for him to assess whether or not I'm actually okay at the end of a session. "So it's important then that you feel safe enough and trusting enough to tell me if you're okay."



"But instead you asked if there was anything that I needed from you. I said no, because what are you supposed to do for me 5 minutes before the session ends?"

He paused for a moment, reflective. "Did I make you feel like you were being attacked? I didn't intend that. I'm sorry." I didn't respond.

He wanted to talk about effective communication. I wasn't interested; I knew that my email was passive aggressive, and he agreed. I also knew I wasn't communicating well in the moment.

"The other thing I wanted to say was that I put a lot of time and thought into our session today." That made me feel guilty, and I told him so.

He said that I shouldn't feel guilty. "If you think that I don't plan and think about all of my clients before a session, then you're mistaken."
"Well I don't know, I figured that sometimes you wing it."
"There's certainly an element of that, because you don't know what a client will bring with them, but I typically like to take a few minutes to think of my clients. I don't take notes for fun, you know."

I kind of shrugged my shoulders. I've felt conflicted about this part of the session since. I obviously wanted to affect him, and felt badly that I did at the same time.

He continued on for a while after this on a ramble. I don't remember most of it except the end. "I felt like it was important to put thought into this because this isn't a time for me to be defensive, but to focus on your needs."

Adult me appreciates this in retrospect, but in the moment my brain wanted to worry about him. Did he feel the need to be defensive? Was I that heinous in my email? Did I hurt him. I told him in less eloquent words I was struggling with this, and tried to put it past me.

He came back to how we should take a break from trauma work for a bit, because he hurt me, which is going to hurt my trust in him.

"I said I wasn't hurt. I was angry."
"Okay. How are you feeling about the construct that is therapy, then?"

I told him I was annoyed. That it's a false construct. That he can say he cares, but it's not like he'd care if I didn't pay him or punched him in the face or something.

He said that this was a choice for both parties. How I could make the choice to not come today, but he also always had the choice to terminate.

"Oh God, I'd not handle that well at all. I'd probably never go back to therapy after that. It was hard enough the first two times that happened."
"So, trust? Hurt?"

It was in that moment I realized he was right. I was hurt because he put himself in the box of the Other Therapists Who Hurt Me. And it was in the last 10 minutes of session. I started to cry and laugh at the same time.

He asked if I was safe to leave. "I'm not okay, but I will be."
"Daisy..."
"No. I don't feel safe in this moment."

Session maybe was 7 minutes over. I brought up Pillow Talking again. He still hasn't watched it. We also talked about something funny that happened at work, which turned into a conversation about interracial marriage.

Eventually he recommended that I call H as an "accountabilibuddy," to which the ironic humor was not lost on me. I called H and left.

I'm doing okay now. I was feeling like the hurt would never end, but like T said, it's physically impossible to feel one thing forever.

I discovered that I use to get angry to avoid facing the fact that I had been hurt.

I saw my therapist two days ago. It was my fourth session. We've come to the conclusion that my biggest problem is my fear to relaps into depression again and that I have chronic anxiety issues. It is a very good therapist I have to say. My solution would be to build out a better social network, to find something meaningfull to do every day (work), and to learn to deal with my (negative) cognitions.

Building a social network is difficult for me because I find it very difficult to make friends, to meet new people, to tell things about myself to strangers. The anxiety, it's inhibiting. For now it's also difficult because I'm out of a job for the next few weeks. My cognitions are very bad now, constantly thinking worthless about myself. Comparing myself with everyone else and finding myself inferior. I really hate myself right now. I have beent taking medication to feel better, but there are limitations of what I can take.

I'm so glad you connected with your therapist, and feel that real connection. It takes a good measure of time for therapy to work, so the short term now sounds tough, but the longer term seems hopeful. I hope the next few weeks pass safely and quickly, so that your T haas time to get to work with you on the goals.

Did you listen to the Ted Talk by Andrew Solomon about his depression? I also like Shep Nuland's ( Dr. Sherwin Nuland ) Ted Talk on having electroshock therapy in the middle of his career as a great surgeon, and coming back to win the Puitzer Prize for the book How We Die after having almost zero hope of recovery.

For some reason, when I feel horrible, it consoles me to listen to people who have hit bottom and become okay again.

Do you like dogs at all? I think having a friendly dog almost makes human friends inevitable. You can go to training class and hikes, and there's already a bond and a conversation.

I love Andrew Solomon- I think he is the most articulate speaker I've heard. There's also one particular youtuber Noah who posts videos under the username bignoknow, who talks about his struggles with clinical depression.

An epic account of Monday's session:

Had my first post-holiday session on Monday. I usually see T on Thursday evenings but he'd suggested that we reschedule to the Monday this week because I'd been lamenting the fact that I wouldn't see him for twenty-one days. So it was eighteen instead.

I was pretty certain that I was the only client he saw that day, and the first client he'd seen after his holiday. That felt kind of weird. I felt kind of bad for being so needy.
As I was waiting at the door I heard the clatter of plates in the front room, someone clearing the table I guess, and when I went in I could smell food. I'm not sure what it was but it smelt pretty good.

We went in and sat down and T said that he had his brother and brother's girlfriend staying, so I might hear them. I said that was okay - although last time his brother was there he was coughing a lot which was annoying. There was some confusion about when that was…

T pointed out that I'd been working on a bank holiday (I'd had to make our appointment an hour later because of work) and I said that I've always worked on bank holidays so I don't really understand them - they're meaningless to me. I used to work in a pub so if anything they just meant more work - a busy night on a Sunday.

We talked about the fact that we'd rescheduled to make the break shorter. I said I was glad to be there but also bothered that it'd be another ten days before I saw him again. He took the hint and said we could have a session on Thursday too if I wanted (in fact, he spoke more generally and made it clear that extra sessions were an option.) I told him that I had a hospital appointment the next day and so (to process that) I would probably like to see him on Thursday too. He said I could see how things went and let him know. I agreed to that, even though I knew perfectly well that I would want to do it. This will be the first time we'll ever have arranged an extra session. I can't really afford it, but f*** it. I'm doing a few extra shifts this week.

I said I’d spent the first week that he’d been away feeling bad about some of the things I’d said in the last session. I’d talked about the things I look for when I’m looking for a therapist online, and the things that I will automatically count them out for, and I’d said that if their directory profile or website is badly spelt or punctuated or generally badly written then I won’t consider them. I had been quite scathing about it. I told him that I regretted that, and I was worried he'd think I was a s***ty person. I said I wanted to clarify that I don't have a problem with people not being able to write or spell very well in general - everyone has different things that they're good and bad at and that's okay with me. It's just that I expect a certain level of care when it's someone's professional profile I'm looking at, and I think if they're not great at writing they should get someone to proofread it for them. Not that hard!

T said he hadn't felt that I was being a s***ty person. He said he'd been struck by how seriously I take looking for a therapist and how important it is to me that they're right for me. I didn't disagree with that appraisal…

I laughed and said “I didn't even get on to telling you about the next stage!”, then I told him about how I look all my potential therapists up on social media, and if they have “eight thousand f***ing pictures of them and their family, or them and their friends, or them up a mountain, or whatever” then they can't be my therapist. T looked slightly worried and asked if he showed up on social media. I told him that all that shows up for him is a picture of a lizard. He took a second to think about that and then his face lit up - “oh, the green one?” - I said yes, and that he'd passed that test just fine, I love the lizard picture. He said that he loves it too. It was weird to finally get that out in the open, and his reaction was… adorable. He seemed pleased that I appreciate it!

At some point in this discussion he also briefly mentioned his own experience of looking for a therapist and finding one with a photograph on their website that looked like “a mugshot of one of the Kray twins”. That made me laugh a lot. I have also come across some really, really bad pictures.

This led quite smoothly onto my current attempts at finding a new therapist. I told T that I'd met with two while he'd been away - S the first week, and C the second. He asked how it had gone with them. I said that S lived in one of those ridiculous mansions out on the edge of town, and described how she’d led me up a palatial staircase to get to the therapy room. I said I’d found that off-putting, and T seemed to understand. I said that she was… okay, that we’d got on alright, but when I came out all I could think was how much I missed him. I said I couldn’t really imagine working with her.

Then I told him about C. First of all, after quietly saying to myself “am I going to say this?” I admitted that he has the same name as… “certain other previous therapists of mine…” This was the first time I'd ever said T1's actual name (even if I did it in a roundabout way) - I have always referred to him by the initial C. It was a relief to do it actually, and it was the second long-hidden thing to be brought into the open during that session. T actually seemed slightly relieved by it too, and amused at the way I'd done it.

Then I explained how I’d seen him doing a workshop back in November, thought he was great and had him in mind as a potential future supervisor. How I hadn't originally thought of him when searching for a new T, but actually he fits all the criteria really well. I described him pretty much the same as I described him in a post here - intelligent, eloquent, genuine, empathic… and lovely. I said I was pretty certain that he was the right therapist for me, except perhaps for the fact that he might be… too lovely.

T asked what I meant by that and I explained that, given my feelings for T1 (very intense erotic transference), it seemed like a risk to choose to see someone who I found to be so likeable and attractive. T said that if those kinds of feelings did surface again, perhaps I would be able to work with them this time and properly process them - hopefully it would go very differently to the way it did with T1, and that could actually be a really good thing. I agreed, and added that I thought C was very, very different to T1 in his approach and manner - almost the opposite in fact. So things would surely progress differently.

I also talked about finding out C's age (he is exactly the same age as me) and what that had stirred up for me. T thought that this might be another good opportunity for me to work through some stuff. He mentioned at one point (when I'd been talking about seeing the dates that C attended university on his LinkedIn page) that he started his counselling training when he was 49. I think that would mean that he turned 60 this year.

I noted that C is a decade ahead of me, career-wise, and T commented that he started his training remarkably early. I agreed, rolling my eyes jealously. I felt like T joined me briefly in being annoyed at how perfect he is - though maybe I projected that!

T said that he's really pleased that I've found someone who seems to be right for me, and he sounded like he really meant it. This felt bittersweet for me… part of me had been worried that he would think seeing C is a bad idea - I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps because T1 had been so weird and jealous about such things - and so it was a relief that he had been so positive. On the other hand, a (much less rational) part of me had felt rejected by his willingness to 'hand me on’ to someone else.

I said yes - he's perfect… apart from being so totally gorgeous… and then I looked at T and said “not that you're not totally gorgeous!” His embarrassed, amused expression was adorable.

We moved on. T said that I'd mentioned what I'd been preoccupied with the first week, and wondered what happened the second week. I said I'd had a hard time… That I'd forgotten before he went that some difficult anniversaries were coming up for me.

I told him it had been exactly three years since myself and my partner had left a long-term job at a place that we loved very much. I explained that things hadn't ended well and it had been a massive loss for both of us. I said that when you work in a pub it's like a second home, more than a job. He seemed to understand. Then I happened to mention the name of the pub and he said “oh, you've probably served me a drink at some point then, I go there a lot when the festival is on” (the pub is next to a theatre and our city has a big arts festival every May)... This was the third thing to finally come out this session. The first time I went to see T, I had a brief freak-out on his doorstep when I first saw him, because I recognised him. This probably explains why! So I told him about that.

Then I told him about the other anniversary. It had also been three years since myself and my partner attended an airshow at which there was a crash which killed eleven people. I said that soon after we'd left the pub we went to an airshow, and T said “that airshow?”, and I said yes. Then he asked me something like “were you there when it happened?” and I went a bit weird, I had something sort of like a flash of anger and looked at him and said “were we there?! We watched it happen!” ...he started to try to explain himself, or apologise, or something, but my brain had gone radio static. I put my head in my hands and quickly shut him down… I said it was okay, it wasn't him, I just felt weird. And I was silent for a moment.

It didn't take me long to drag myself out of whatever hole I'd fallen into. I didn't want to talk about it any more though.

I said that I had also been struggling because the universe had decided to send two ex-boyfriends into the shop where I work (one the day before and one the Sunday a week before that), which had stirred up all kinds of horrible feelings.

I explained that seeing G, a boyfriend of mine from when I was fourteen, who I pretty much hadn't seen since then, had made me feel regretful of the path I'd taken. He was a nice boy, and still seemed like a nice person, but I'd broken his heart and left him for another boy who treated me terribly and , amongst many other things. I'd been thoughtful about what might have happened if I'd made a different decision back then. Maybe I wouldn't have f***ed my life up so badly.

T said “is this the guy with the tattoos?” (T1 had a tattoo which reminded me of him) and I laughed and said “no - that's D, who I saw yesterday!” I said that I don't blame him for getting confused, I have a lot of horrible ex-boyfriends.

I talked about seeing D, and how when I see him (which happens very rarely) I feel crushed under the weight of all the things I can't say to him. T asked what I can't say, and I explained that part of me feels like he never let me go. I need him to let me go. We talked about my reasons for not saying the things I want to say (it would feel like a betrayal of my partner), and we talked about how I dream about D pretty frequently, and have for about a decade now.

At one point, T said “your dreams are very peopled with people” (a rather weird sentence) and I replied “yeah… aren't everyone's?” ...he said no, that he knew some people who usually had dreams with no other people in them at all. I was surprised by that, and said that I didn't think I'd ever had a dream without other people in it.

T started to talk about how wonderful he thinks dreams are. He said that they are 'utterly unique’ and then caught himself, saying that he was retracting the word 'utterly’, because it's completely redundant in front of the word 'unique’... Unique can't be more or less, it just is. I laughed and said “oh, good, 'cause I was about to scratch you off my list of viable therapists!”, and he said “yes, that's what I was afraid of!”

I noticed there were twelve minutes left, and said so. I went into child mode, pulling my knees up to my chest. I told him that I'd made something… For him.

There was silence.

I asked if he would accept it, if I gave it to him. He said he didn't know, because no client had ever tried to give him something they'd made before.

I was trying to remain outwardly calm, although I don't think I managed it very well. I started to curl up into a ball in the chair.

He talked about boundaries a bit, about an article he'd read in Therapy Today. I was not interested, far too busy shrivelling up inside.

We agreed that I'd give him some time to think about it.

I always get up before him, and leave pretty punctually. But this time I didn't want to get up. I don't know why. I said “I'm waiting for you to get up first”, and he looked a bit baffled. He asked about my hospital appointment the next day. I told him about it. He still didn't get up.

I said “I'm waiting…”

He got up.

I see him again tonight.

wow, great write-up, Luco. I think it rivals LT!

It seemed like such a good session until the end.

Thank you! That is high praise, haha!

...and yeah, it was...

Thank you for sharing your session. I liked the sentence "peopled with people". xD

You were very brave for bringing up the hard stuff. I hope tonight's session goes well Luc and he's had time to think about the item.

It sounds like you had a really good session. I think its good that T is thinking about accepting what you made for him. Some T's are so rigid and they won't accept anything and then other T's have looser boundaries. Its good he's going to see you again so the break won't be so long.

Thanks Cake and Kitty.

Tonight's session was okay. There were some weird moments, but there was a lot of good stuff too. Although... well... Here's what I said to a friend about it:

We talked about the airshow. We talked about my appointment on Tuesday and my appointment for the procedure next week. We talked about the time I got a screwdriver stuck in my foot. We talked about whether Eeyore and Marvin the paranoid android would get on with each other or not if they met. We did not talk about the gift.

So I guess we're just going to pretend that didn't happen.

Fine. I'd rather pretend it didn't. Just don't know what to do with the f***ing thing now.

Maybe he just needs more time to think about it?

I don't know if this is a good strategy in therapy.
But on the other hand, never letting anything drop is not a good strategy either.

What to do?

Ugh. That's awful. I hate when there's something like just in the way in therapy that doesn't need to be in the way. I don't know why T's don't understand that giving them something doesn't have to be so difficult. My T that I saw for 10 years, I gave her handmade cards at Christmas and every time she went away on vacation which she accepted no problem, but at the end when she got sick with MS I gave her a blanket I made and she accepted it, but I don't know if she would have accepted it back on like year 3. Or even year 5. I think she took it just because we had been together so long, and maybe her defenses were down because she was dealing with the MS. Oh I once gave her a plastic toy solder to protect her on vacation which she took but I'm sort of surprised she did. That was more about reassuring me than anything.

Wait I don't know how to spell solder. Is it soldier? IDK.

Like I always tell my Mom every time she gets on me for spelling or grammer, I didn't get my Master's Degree in English.