being nothing

i'm working on a new letter to my T about a problem i'm having... i have run out of the familiar stuff.. the devils i know.. i mean, we haven't finished with them or anything, but i no longer know what to say. Going to therapy has become an anxiety producing event.

i don't know what to do. Nothing comes to mind once i am there. Nothing seems to have any "pull" to it... nothing grabs my attention. i sit there and feel emotionless. Blnk. empty.

i'm supposed to be smart enough to figure all this out. when i cant then i get very depressed and even more removed from any intense feeling.

i am afraid of being nothing.. that in here, under all of these supposedly "bad" events... that i am nothing. Nothing matters and i don't matter. In those moments of silence i retreat further and further.

yesterday he talked for a while.. i think to relieve me in the silence (ty T)... and i just stared at the bookcase.. i was there but not i guess. At some point his voice trailed off as he saw that i wasn't entirely listening... and he asked me what was happening, where was i at that point..

i grabbed some topic from a previous talk and gave that to him... but in all honesty? i was nowhere. i wasn't anyplace or anything. i was completely nothing. no thoughts. no feelings. no me. Gone. i had no honest answer.

It's OK to be nothing sometimes if it keeps you from freaking out over something else.

My T said something along the same lines last time I saw her -- like, I've dealt with the really bad stuff and now I'm trying to figure out what to do to fill the spot in me it took up. I don't see her much (supposed to be every 2 weeks, but with my crazy work schedule, rarely works out that way) and have only been seeing her 6 months or so and I think that was her way of saying "why are you wasting your money," but I dunno. And that *definitely* is just her, not saying yours thinks that at all. I am not a very good fit with this T but I don't have the time right now to look elsewhere.

I don't necessarily think you have to have "something to work on" all the time. Sometimes it is helpful just to have someone who will listen to you for an hour, no matter what you want to talk about, even if it's a football game or something.

There is definitely a "you" there. Might just need a rest. Nothing wrong with that.

It's a scary ugly thought and it's just not true. You're not nothing, none of us are nothing
((((((((((((( gerber )))))))))))))

i talked to someone tonight and as i talked i realized... it's not that i have run out of things to say.. it's that i am avoiding the biggest thing. i have not talked about anything in depth in any way at all... but i said all i can say without feeling anything.

the largest issue in my life remains untouched

> the largest issue in my life remains untouched

?

what would it take to look at that issue safely? does your t know that? I got to that point, too. She didn't want to pull it out of me (thus being like my abusers and doing something i didn't want to) and i refused to talk about it.
In the end i said i was done and quit. I don't reccommend that - now I'm suffering anxiety attacks and my dr sent me to a new t.
kiya

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gerber said:
i no longer know what to say. Going to therapy has become an anxiety producing event.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What does he say when you tell him this? Does he offer reassurance? We all hit rough times in therapy, and his telling you so might help normalize the situation, so I hope you will share these feelings and thoughts with him.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i grabbed some topic from a previous talk and gave that to him... but in all honesty? i was nowhere.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Can you make it a rule to be honest with him? If he asks what is happening with you, just be honest and don't make something up that is not true. He can't help you unless you are honest. I know, it's not easy.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
it's not that i have run out of things to say.. it's that i am avoiding the biggest thing.... the largest issue in my life remains untouched

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ahhhh, well it sounds like this may be the source of having "nothing to say" in therapy anymore. The biggest issue looms and is crying for attention. Hard to talk about the temperature outside when the hurricane is on the horizon. ((((hugs)))) Recently, I shared a very core issue for me with my lawyer. It became obvious I really needed to deal with this, and she was amazed I had never mentioned this thing to my therapist. It amazed me too. How could I work with him for a year and make a lot of progress and never tell him anything about this? Maybe we just can't, until we are ready. And the last few sessions have passed and still I don't bring it up. I know my lawyer mentioned it to him, so he knows something needs to be dealt with. I think I hinted something last time, and he said let's talk about this next time. You are completely right, gerber, therapy can be an anxiety producing event!

Please hang in there with your T. I hope you can share with him about what all is going on, and maybe he can help.

sunrise, this is the first time this issue of being afraid of nothing to say has came out this way.. i try very hard to be honest with him.. This was what caused me to think about it so hard.. that i knew i hadn't been honest but i didn't know what the honest answer would really have been until i wrote about it. It's that way with me.. and that much he knows. He knows i squirm, go off and think and write about it and then i give what i write to him.. and if i can, we talk about it. i am very guarded about myself in many ways, but i am honest with him.. i think even he is surprised by how honest i can be when i decide to say something.

i understand how you can be there a year and not bring something up. i bet most of us do.

he knows about this issue.. it's been brought up.. and i dare say he has been just letting me get there.

this made me sad... because you are so right and it sounds so like what i have going on... he's wonderful and i know he would never try to drag things out of me. He knows the issue, we've mentioned it, but he'd be pretty naive to think we had even scratched the surface and he doesn't strike me as the naive type.

(i hope your new T works out)

Have you ever heard the phrase "the silence was deafening?" Sometimes silence can be really meaningful &/or useful. I'm not sure what your silence meant. I AM sure however, after reading lots of your posts....call me a "lurker"...that your t is very thoughtful & on top of things and you are anything but "nothing"

tulips

that is terribly sweet thank you. He is... i don't know what the word is... incredible. He is incredible. SImply incredible.

i have heard that expression and you're right... i do think it's important.. specifically because i find them hard. i have to learn to trust... trust him to help me in the silences.. he would never just let me drown, but i don't know how to allow anyone else get near me.

it's stupid you know... i think i honestly thought that i would have the choice to just trust him when i wanted to. It enever occured to me that i would discover myself unable to have that control.

I not only know what you mean....I live with the same situation. I e-mailed my t the other day after our session & told him that i know I have "flunked vulnerable". He wrote back with a LOL and said "it's impossible to flunk vulnerable & we'd be in trouble if we walked around vulnerable all the time." He said look up the definition. I did and he's right! I knew what it meant, of course. But it made me think about the purpose of the amt. of effort we put into concealing & protecting. Really trusting makes us extremely vulnerable. Not to be taken lightly

tulips

((((Gerber))))
Is what I hear mean that you have stayed in therapy? That is wonderful! You say you are nothing? Hmmm. Have you noticed that you are courageous for continuing in therapy and facing those excruciating feelings? You are a kind wonderful person - and I know this from chatting with you! I can see who you are through all of your pain. YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL! YOU ARE SOMEBODY WORTHY! YOU ARE SOMEBODY WHO CARES! YOU ARE!!!!!
YOU can do this. YOU can do this. YOU can do this. YOU can do this. Take care of yourself.
Never quit fighting!

thanks - it is hard starting over. I've only seen her now 4 times. and she's new to DID/MPD - her speciality is anxiety (which is also a plus for some alters).

You know, I do the same thing - avoid the issues in T then process and write about it and give t what I wrote. My new one has said this is immeasurably helpful to her. but on the issue i am avoiding, i really don't know how to work on it. And i try to sweep the rest under the rug. I suppose when the time is right, maybe i'll work on those. And maybe you will too. I've read some about "blocks" in T and how to get around them - it might be helpful to you to read some stuff too. That way in the meantime you both may find something that keeps the conversation going while not having to hit *the* issue right now. make any sense? i can never go back to my old t who knew what the issue was that i was avoiding - too much time and life stuff has happened, even in one year. I can't go back. see if you can stay with your t and find new avenues to talk through - it may lead you to where you need to be in the end.
best to you!
kiya