Couch 177: I Get a Strange Magic - ELO

I know you weren’t suggesting that. Just having a bit of fun.

Well, hey, you must know cardi/o—good start for poetry!

I'm so sad today. But at least I finally get to see my therapist after our short break. He wanted me to, or at least said I could, send him an email last night or this morning with the stuff I've been struggling with, but I don't feel like it.

I got myself a Fitbit Versa over the summer because it can track swimming laps and I’m tracking pulse too—before I went on Lupron I had athlete’s pulse. I’m still below 70 resting but would like to be lower.

Do you think their pulse monitor is accurate though? It seems accurate compared to gym machines and when I take my own pulse. But I was shocked at the dentist a couple weeks ago that it was at my normal resting pulse (not a fan of the dentist, so I thought it would be higher.

As I understand it lack of exercise can create a high pulse rate from being sedentary—so I think exercise would probably help lower it.

Today I say goodbye to my T of 10 years. My former T, as we have not actually been doing "therapy" this Summer. Instead she's been supporting me as I find a new therapist which I think I have with Tony the Tiger T. I find I'm kind of dissociated today which means I will probably be dissociated some on the telephone call also. I know I don't want to face the "goodbye" but never saying "goodbye" doesn't feel like a good option either. I don't like this transition...from something to nothing, from client to no-one. I used to take a little mouse stuffed animal sometimes when I went to therapy. Just felt good to have something to hold and sort of cuddle. I found the same one on Amazon, so I bought it and I mailed it to my former T but she won't have received it yet. I thought that way when I hold my mouse I can think of her holding her mouse and maybe it won't hurt so much. But it does hurt. A lot. Its been a prolonged saying goodbye. I'm not sure saying goodbye quickly would have been less painful. I think both would have been excruciating. I don't know what I will do tomorrow when I'm technically not her client anymore. I know I just have to get up and go to work and do everything that I normally do in a day but I've been her client for so long, it feels weird, and sad. I'm sorrowful today. I feel it in me. My eyes want to cry (but I'm at work so that's not ideal). I want to SH (also not ideal as I'm at work). I don't really know what I'm going to say on the phone at 4 o'clock. I don't really know how to say goodbye to her. I want to hold onto her for as long as I can but I have an hour, one last hour, that's it. Its excruciating. When will the pain subside?

She actually suggested Genesight without my mentioning it! And went ahead and had me do cheek swab in office. She's going to wait till I check with my insurance to mail it in. She's having me stop Abilify and suggested I give Sam-E (supplement) a try. So gonna get some of that.I like her--she really listens and doesn't try to push any agenda or meds on me.

That's great! It's hard to find someone who listens and doesn't just push meds. I hope your insurance covers the Genesight.

Thanks! My last p-doc listened, but also pushed meds. And also seemed very alarmist about things like This one seems much more level-headed.

Yeah, I think exercise does help lower it, so trying to do that more (the whole hurting my back on the stairs slowed that down--well and the high temps and humidity--but I plan to walk tomorrow or Friday again). It's just weird to me that I'd generally been in the mid to upper 60s for resting HR for months (occasionally going to 70 or 71 when stressed), then the past 3 weeks on Abilify, it's been in the low to mid-70s, with my heart rate being in the 80s or above just sitting there. And it was in the 80s-90s the entire 3-hour ride home from the beach (which may have been partly anxiety, but...) Plus i was very active at the beach (like 10,000 steps most days).


H sometimes uses a heart rate monitor that he straps to his chest when he runs, and he's found the Fitbit (we both have Charge 2s) to be pretty accurate--the machines less so, particularly in calories burned.

Tales from my inbox:

Notice of Protection Order Expiration
Your protection order will expire on 10/05/2018. To renew you must contact the court where you filed your protection order.

I already knew this, but I still find it triggering to get this email.

Hugs, NP....It seems there should be a better way for the courts to handle this...

I hate therapy.

Hello.

I haven't been reading or posting on the couch and I don't plan to change that, but I thought I'd make an exception for this because there's nowhere else for me to post it really.

Tomorrow I'm having a transoesophageal echocardiogram, which basically means that they are going to stick an ultrasound probe down my throat so that they can get a good look at my heart (and decide based on that when I will need to have open heart surgery). It has already been attempted once, but I had a 'paradoxical reaction' to the 'sedative' they gave me (midazolam) and instead of calming down I freaked out, so they couldn't get me to swallow the probe.

So tomorrow I'm having it done under general anaesthetic instead.

I'm feeling pretty terrified about it for a number of reasons. I suppose I should be pleased that I'm going to get some answers, but I don't think I want to know. I could just keep on pretending that everything is fine instead?

So, if anyone wants to come to the hospital in my pocket...

Sure, I will. Hops in pocket.

I'll come along as well!

That sounds really scary. I'll hop in but do you have someone IRL to go with you?

I just took a look at the renewal form. I have to provide a phone number on the form. I changed my phone number and I don't want him to have the new number. It says use a safe number, but I don't have a safe number. I have my mobile and I have my work number. I don't want him to have either one. I feel like I'm being ridiculous, but this is making me anxious.

Seems to me the courts don't think things through. So sorry you have to go through this.

Hopping in

Can you put down a friend’s # or something? If you don’t have a safe #, i wouldn’t put yours down. He sees it, right?

Thanks, lovely people.

NP - yes, my partner will come with me. He's pretty used to sitting around waiting in hospitals now...

Hopping in to look after our lucozader

My resting heart rate is quite high - typically around 90 - 110. My blood pressure is good, though. I am not sedentary. Some years ago, I was diagnosed with idiopathic tachycardia, but it's gotten better since then (at that time, my resting heart rate pushed 200 at times).

Maybe get a burner phone?

I'll ride along too, luco.