[MoxieDoxie]

So I am relapsing again with my Bulimia. When this has happened in the past I have told him. I can not tell this time. He has worked so hard with me. Gone the extra mile. Taken extra time with me. I am already so disappointed in myself I can not deal with seeing him disappointed in me. Of course he is trained well and will hide his disappointment but you can not train out of being human with human emotions so yes I believe any human would have feelings of disappointment. There also comes a point where you do all you can to get an expected result and when you fail you kind of back off and give up. This is where I believe therapist start to "just go through the motions" with clients that do not respond or progress.

Not saying he is going to do that but I am not even going to risk that chance.

[feileacan]

How long you were in remission?

[MoxieDoxie]

First remission was 3 months then a one day relapse. It has only been 4 weeks since my last episode.

[feileacan]

Could it still be a work in progress and every remission, no matter how long or short, being an achievement?

[Anne2.0]

I think that if you want help from him with your relapse it would be good to tell him.

I think his desire to help you would be much stronger than his disappointment. I don't understand why you think you'll get better help from him by omitting important information rather than telling the truth. I don't think you or anyone else can impression manage a T in the way you think.

It seems a distortion to me for you to believe that your planned approach is the best way to get the help you need. There is no way to test this belief and prove yourself wrong and then try a different approach. I'd encourage you to consider just being straight up with him. Bulimia is a dangerous behavior that carries serious risks for your short term and long term health.

[MoxieDoxie]

No I will try to fix this myself. He has given me different tools to deal with it I am suppose to use. I should use them.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't have Bulimia so I cannot speak to that but I self harm and I have relapsed probably a billion times. I always told my T when I self harmed. She needed to know in order to help me. I would tell her "I'm sorry" and she would say there was nothing that I needed to apologize for, that I was doing the best I could. I wonder if you T would be like that for you?

[Rive.]

I think Ts are aware that setbacks are part of the equation and that it would be unrealistic, or at least, pretty rare for clients never to relapse.

Why struggle alone when there might be a helping hand extended towards you. I'd say, take a chance on him.

[MoxieDoxie]

I am not really sure what more can be done to stop my bulimia. We are working on other things to improve my situation overall but Lordy that is going to take, for what I see, a year or more and I am only guessing. I so not want him to take a detour from his plan to back track to a problem we both thought abated.

[Rive.]

Not to be too philosophical but life rarely proceeds in a straight line, there are detours, zig-zags, setbacks etc. along the way.

It is also part of his job to revisit an issue or try other avenues. It doesn't necessarily mean he/you'd both have to abandon other work you're doing.

Any T worth their salt would help their clients when relapses happen.

[PurpleBlur]

he will be more disappointed with your withholding and lack of honesty than he would be with your truthfulness.


just my opinion.

[Taylor27]

I struggle with bulimia and the hardest thing was not being open and honest with my therapist. I too feel like he is going to give up on me too because he has given me the tools. Some times things will come and our old behaviours come up. I would be honest because then he can help you more. If you hide it then he can't be of any help. He may be disappointed however glad that you told him. A good therapist wont leave you or give up that easy. Hugs

[mcl6136]

First of all, I want to commend you for tackling your problem and getting it into the open to begin with. How many who have your issue are simply hiding, pretending there is no problem, risking their health without addressing it at all?

Millions.

Can you take a moment to congratulate yourself for seeking help and making progress? Is progress linear and predictable? It is not.

But now, I would like to suggest that you focus on your progress and not caretake your T and wonder what he is thinking of his work with you. What he thinks of you is none of your business! You are on a healing journey --YOUR healing journey, not second-guessing what your T may be experiencing. He is a paid professional and his mission is to help YOU. That is what you really have in common....a common interest in your wellbeing.

I woud submit that if ANYTHING were to irk him, it would be your focus on him, and not on your wellbeing.

You. Your wellbeing. You.

Okay, I'll quit now.

HUGS. You are magnificent.

[nottrustin]

Sorry you are struggling. Most Ts expect there will be relapse while hoping it will not. From my experience it is not disappointment they feel but sadness that a client is struggling.

[MoxieDoxie]

Thanks all.....I see him Friday. I have time to think about this.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I am not really sure what more can be done to stop my bulimia. We are working on other things to improve my situation overall but Lordy that is going to take, for what I see, a year or more and I am only guessing. I so not want him to take a detour from his plan to back track to a problem we both thought abated.

Is there a trigger for this relapse you can identify. I read a whole book about how therapists deeply want to be "used" by the client. I think if you share all of this- how you want ti tell him but you don't want him to give up on you, it will be emotionally honest and vulnerable- which is what keeps them engaged .

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Is there a trigger for this relapse you can identify. I read a whole book about how therapists deeply want to be "used" by the client. I think if you share all of this- how you want ti tell him but you don't want him to give up on you, it will be emotionally honest and vulnerable- which is what keeps them engaged .

Yes there is a big trigger that just came about. My bulimia is a push back to what we uncovered. It is an old habit of dealing with extreme emotions and pressure. He said with the past relapse that parts will "push the boundaries" and test just like children do.

"Therapist deeply want to be "used" by clients"? Tell me more about that.

[Amyjay]

Oh, you are actually doing fine. You are doing more than fine, you are doing great! this isn't a "relapse" - this is part of the recovery. You are learning a little bit more about your hardest triggers, the times when you need the most support and back up. You went THREE MONTHS without bulimia. That means you have got the skills. You own them. You got this. Okay so you don't have it 100% of the time yet, but you have got the skills and you know how to use them and you can use them and you do use them when you can. Sure, there are times and maybe even will be more times in the future when you are not quite able to use them consistently yet, but that's okay, that's all part of the process too. You just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, check in and see if you are okay, and say "that's okay, you just tripped up, that's all". Because that really is all it is. Just a little stumble. But the earth isn't flat and you didn't fall right of the edge! That gravity has got your back.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Moxie, it's all your decision, and under your control, regarding what to tell him. I was bulimic for so many years! Did I fib to therapists during that time? Yes.

Now, I can see what therapists must know; firstly, that people with EDs are experts at hiding it. They can't be trusted. Your T might well think your continued remission has only about a fifty percent chance of being genuine.

Secondly, chronic bulimia doesn't just go away. Recovery can take years. It often feels like one step forward, and one step back. I recall reading that your bulimia did stop unexpectedly due to other work you're doing with your T. But this is extremely unusual. It would be almost a miracle for it to be a permanent change.

In my experience, recovery from this horrific condition is a slow, slow process of gradually not wanting to hurt oneself anymore.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I recall reading that your bulimia did stop unexpectedly due to other work you're doing with your T. But this is extremely unusual.

He said the same thing to me that is is very unusual for it to just stop for that long and my progress was atypical and he expected to see it come back but felt that when I had a slip that I would see a long pause before I slipped again.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It depends what else is going on in your life / mind, I suppose. So it can't be predicted, not by yourself or your T.

I don't know, it seems to be putting too much pressure on recovery to measure the length and frequency of slips. Honestly, I have no idea how many times I slipped back. Could be hundreds.

If someone was keeping score, it would have made no sense!

Hence one of the reasons I fibbed to a therapist.

But something deep inside me was changing.

We had been using inner child therapy, and through that I was able to feel some compassion for myself. Or, at least to realise that the things I went through in childhood were not alright!

So, she started that process of making me feel like a person who deserved to walk around free of this crippling condition I'd developed in order to cope / escape / retain control of the chaos.

But I was still vomiting numerous times a day for months after I stopped seeing her.

Many thanks to her, for having given me the tools I would eventually use.

You could always tell your therapist you don't want the ED to be at the foreground of the work you're doing fir now.

Good luck.

PS. Remember, Moxie, lying in order to please a T is a bit like faking an orgasm. If you do it once, you might have to do it for the rest of your life!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

PS. Remember, Moxie, lying in order to please a T is a bit like faking an orgasm. If you do it once, you might have to do it for the rest of your life!

This is really a great analogy. And you miss an opportunity to teach him how to help you better. I love telling my T how to do his job better.

[SalingerEsme]

I just read a book about treating clients who are either dismissive or dissociative ( I dissociate ) . There's a chapter about managing the countertransference of not being "useful " to the client, not being "used" when they are trying to be there for us, without pulling away. They want to be in the messiness, be in the loop and in the know .

[Ssigros]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

So I am relapsing again with my Bulimia. When this has happened in the past I have told him. I can not tell this time.

First thing, (((HUGS)))

I don't have much wisdom or intuitive suggestions to help, but I can relate. As a fellow bulimia sufferer I am in the exact same situation as you in my own life with my own T. Your post struck me like a chord played in a song that makes your body go numb from all the chills you feel that run from the top of your spinal cord down through every nerve of your toe. I was not expecting to feel this way yesterday when I clicked on your post. I'm struggling through my past couple of days of relapsing after being good for almost a full 6 days. (My longest relapse stretch.) I wish I could say I've had a few months of remission, but in reality the best I've been so far is 3 1/2 weeks, as of a few weeks back, and ever since then it's been a few days to a week without B/P only to keep falling flat on my face. I haven't told my T of all my relapses, but I try too. I get nervous though and have the same exact feelings and thoughts you described. Even though I know that is what my T is there for it's still difficult when I feel like this is just another person I'm going to disappoint in my life and she'll leave once she realizes how helpless I am. I keep telling myself to go to my next therapy session because right now that is what is pulling me through. It would be too easy to walk away from T. So, if I have anything of use to offer you MoxieDoxie, it would be to keep pushing through to your next session with your T and try your best to open up about your relapses. These relapses want us to shut down and shut everyone else out. That is how bulimia gets us where it wants us so it can continue to kill us. All I truly know though is I've been battling this bulimia demon for 15 years now and I can't keep doing it. It has to stop. One way or another. I wish you the best in your next appt. with trying to let T in more. My next appt. is tomorrow as well.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Ssigros

First thing, (((HUGS)))

I don't have much wisdom or intuitive suggestions to help, but I can relate. As a fellow bulimia sufferer I am in the exact same situation as you in my own life with my own T. Your post struck me like a chord played in a song that makes your body go numb from all the chills you feel that run from the top of your spinal cord down through every nerve of your toe. I was not expecting to feel this way yesterday when I clicked on your post. I'm struggling through my past couple of days of relapsing after being good for almost a full 6 days. (My longest relapse stretch.) I wish I could say I've had a few months of remission, but in reality the best I've been so far is 3 1/2 weeks, as of a few weeks back, and ever since then it's been a few days to a week without B/P only to keep falling flat on my face. I haven't told my T of all my relapses, but I try too. I get nervous though and have the same exact feelings and thoughts you described. Even though I know that is what my T is there for it's still difficult when I feel like this is just another person I'm going to disappoint in my life and she'll leave once she realizes how helpless I am. I keep telling myself to go to my next therapy session because right now that is what is pulling me through. It would be too easy to walk away from T. So, if I have anything of use to offer you MoxieDoxie, it would be to keep pushing through to your next session with your T and try your best to open up about your relapses. These relapses want us to shut down and shut everyone else out. That is how bulimia gets us where it wants us so it can continue to kill us. All I truly know though is I've been battling this bulimia demon for 15 years now and I can't keep doing it. It has to stop. One way or another. I wish you the best in your next appt. with trying to let T in more. My next appt. is tomorrow as well.

I told him by the way of email as so not to have to look at him and tell him. My appointment with him is today at 2pm. I managed to stay in control Thursday but all the self harm thoughts and SI thoughts were in full swing. I do not want to tell him about those either as they have taken a back seat too. I am 18 years battling Bulimia. This has been the closets I have gotten to remission.