Missing Her

I’m not sure what I’m looking for in this post, other than hope.
I find myself missing her as if I missed an ex-lover, which I’m pretty ashamed to admit. I’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend and talking with therapists are really the only source of emotional intimacy I’ve experienced. I’m ashamed to admit that too. I know my life would feel so much better, so much LESS controlled by therapists if I managed to open up to others. The thing is, I have opened up, but I just don’t have that same vulnerable dependence on others in my life. I just miss her. I miss the way she and I would connect. I have never felt that before until her and I’m afraid I’ll never feel it again.

I understand what you mean about missing her like an ex-lover. My T has said multiple times that my termination with ex-MC keeps reminding him of a romantic breakup, the way that I'm reacting to it. And I see some truth in there. I mean, I did love him (can't say for sure if I still do). And there's a huge amount of emotional intimacy in a therapeutic relationship. There are things I've told ex-T, ex-MC (on phone or via email), and current T that I've never told even my H.


I've had some difficulty trusting current T because of what happened with ex-MC. But I have let myself become vulnerable with and trust him, though still not nearly at the level that I trusted ex-MC. I think working through this with another T could help you.

I missed/miss my ex-T as if he were a lover as well, and I've also had pretty much everyone, including current Ts, say that our termination sounded more like a romantic break-up.

Hope-wise...it does get better. Unfortunately, it takes a lot longer than you want it to. It's been over a year since my termination, and I still have pain over it, but it's not crippling. It was a pretty important part of my moving on that I found another T to work with. Is that something you are considering?

I so get this gut wrenching loss of a therapist which does feel like a romantic breakup in some ways-I actually started trying to end any contact with my psychologist a year ago when I realised that I couldn’t live my life between sessions (once every2 weeks) without him intruding into it with thoughts about what I would say at next appointment/how he might respond etc accompanied by random moments of terrible pain and sadness that he wasn’t present when I felt good and excited about something as well as when I felt bad-tears/ panic/ rehearsing conversations in my head so that I didn’t waste time or present as difficult/ boring etc
I would be ok for about 4-5 hrs after session and then the pendulum would swing back to real life and I would be utterly demolished - racing thought/ insomnia/ desperate longing etc
This freaked me out and when I started treating myself in very destructive ways I knew I had to get out-this man was taking over my life and I missed him pretty much all the time
I started questioning him about this and his stoic/ I can take it attitude emboldened me to become someone I’m not- a bit critical / disparaging/slightly disrespectful and dismissive and even a bit rude - anything to find some resolution to the pain of his absence from my life-I could hear myself talking and I felt I was becoming a monster-still he offered no path forward and I tried to leave-4 times now with recent break of 4 months but it’s like neither of us can be completely “done”
I think maybe LT you get this?
I have no idea when or how this will end but just wanted to say that missing ones therapist so badly is a nightmare so different from any other experience and it blindsides you
Soul hugs to you both if you want to accept them

Sorry I meant all of you not both

I still miss my ex-t it will 9 years in Nov for 2 years the pain was unbearable at times. Hugs. I found the only way to help was to find another therapist who i could trust. It took two therapists to go through at the clinic before i found a good therapist. It is hard to find good therapists but worth it if you don't give up. Also good self care is so important. Let yourself grieve, it's a huge loss. Hugs

I see nothing shameful in what you've written or experienced. I hope it gets easier. In my experience, grief and loss do.