[Lrad123]

I think about T way too much. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I think of him. When I’m busy doing something at work that requires my full attention, he pops into my head. I think I’ve mentioned on multiple other posts that I see myself as independent so it’s unnerving to me to realize that I have fallen into this weird dynamic with my T where he’s on my mind all the time. Sometimes it’s just a fleeting thought, but much of the time what I feel is a feeling of hurt. Just to be clear, he has done absolutely nothing hurtful. In fact, if I’ve even hinted at feeling dismissed or blown off (mostly due to email responses) he apologizes sincerely. He has been empathetic and kind and gives me his full attention. But all I can feel when I think about him is hurt. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m bothered by the fact that he has woven himself into my mind and has so much power over my emotions. Sometimes I want to run away, but I can’t. I keep thinking this is what it must feel like to be in a cult. I clearly don’t have this influence on him, and that bothers me too.

I know this is probably a huge topic and probably many of our T’s have a central role in our lives. I just didn’t expect it and it feels strange and uncomfortable. Have any of you talked to your T’s about this? Is there a way for this to feel less hurtful? Is it worth it?

[DP_2017]

I completely relate, even down the independent part and hating how this all feels. I've told my T many times I don't like depending on anyone and he understands due to my past of wishy washy people who I could never count on.... any time I feel like I'm starting to get dependent at all on him, I pull away and usually get massive anxiety. I'm going through that right now actually

I can say that I found myself, for most of the summer in a somewhat lesser stage of this. I thought of him daily but not as constant as I did before. I felt more secure with us and I was able to do more things without him in my mind but now it has returned, hopefully only briefly.

I like your comparison to a cult. Likely true. I also agree that knowing he isn't like this for me at all, I mean, I'd be lucky if ONE thought outside of session during his week was about me, really bugs me. It makes me feel crazy and worthless and I hate it. I think in many ways therapy has made me worse off mentally. However, I am too close to him and he means to much that I'm stuck. I refuse to leave him.

The only things that somewhat helped me was making my own boundaries. He will tell me I can contact him whenever but also that he wont reply. Well I'm not dealing with that nonsense so I distanced myself. I also made a coping skills list that I try to use when I can because I wont bother him. Most of it keeps me distracted enough to help a bit but then something will happen to make me think of him again

I have talked to him. I regret that convo deeply. Not sure it's anything you can really stop. I also don't think it's worth it but I've also no choice if I want him in my life. So I deal with it.

I hope you are able to find a way to lessen this, it's no fun and I get it. It is common but it doesn't make it one bit easier.

[feileacan]

You know, I was exactly there few years back. Also this aspect that I was very independent and had always been very independent in my life is similar.

But fast forward few years and all my obsession is gone. I'm not even sure at which moment it vanished and why. I guess it just ran its course. Or maybe that also helped that I sort of accepted that things are now this way and thinking about my T is now a large part of my life.

Therapy still is a large and very important part of my life but with time, it is more and more constrained and contained in the space and time of the session. While I year ago I wasn't obsessing about my therapist anymore, I was still often feelings quite badly after session (like I would just disintegrate or fall into pieces or that I stopped existing, not having any clear sense of self) but now these tendencies have been decreasing as well.

Now I can leave with my session with some sense of self and I can continue with my life, although I know handle it better and with less anxiety than ever before.

To answer your question, of course I talked about it with my T. That's one thing that makes it bearable. If you can talk about it with your T and he accepts you with all your feelings then you are not alone anymore and it will be easier to accept and tolerate these feelings yourself. What you have written about your T in these forums suggest to me that he would probably take your feelings as something very natural and and you could get a lot of relief from talking about them with your T.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I think about T way too much. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I think of him. When I’m busy doing something at work that requires my full attention, he pops into my head. I think I’ve mentioned on multiple other posts that I see myself as independent so it’s unnerving to me to realize that I have fallen into this weird dynamic with my T where he’s on my mind all the time. Sometimes it’s just a fleeting thought, but much of the time what I feel is a feeling of hurt. Just to be clear, he has done absolutely nothing hurtful. In fact, if I’ve even hinted at feeling dismissed or blown off (mostly due to email responses) he apologizes sincerely. He has been empathetic and kind and gives me his full attention. But all I can feel when I think about him is hurt. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m bothered by the fact that he has woven himself into my mind and has so much power over my emotions. Sometimes I want to run away, but I can’t. I keep thinking this is what it must feel like to be in a cult. I clearly don’t have this influence on him, and that bothers me too.

I know this is probably a huge topic and probably many of our T’s have a central role in our lives. I just didn’t expect it and it feels strange and uncomfortable. Have any of you talked to your T’s about this? Is there a way for this to feel less hurtful? Is it worth it?

There has been times where I have thought about my T all throughout the day and it was very time consuming. When I would have that feeling of hurt, I think it was because I was missing her at the time and so it was hard to get through until the next session. It didn't stay this way though. At some point I just stopped thinking about my T all the time (until recently when we had to stop having therapy due to her illness). I just started living more and T was a part of my life but more a part of my therapy life and not part of my day to day life. I didn't really talk to my T about it. I just contained the emotions and after a while they subsided.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I have that on and off. Last time was a month or two ago. I'd constantly think about my T, miss him, be sad that I think of him. I would associate anything even remotely connected to him with him (i.e. the city we both live in, certain public transport that he might take, the color blue because he wears blue, basically everything around me...).

There were other instances where this happened before. I've mentioned it to my T every time it started to happen. I can't remember the conversations off the top of my head, but he was always supportive, but also didn't encourage it. The feelings would usually change with time, for example I'd get to a point where I was doing better which would correlate directly with how much I was thinking about him. I mostly think of him as somebody who can help me through hard times, so when I'm doing well I don't need him as much and therefore can do with a week of having no contact.
The last time it happened, it was a bit different because external circumstances put me into some kind of constant crisis mode. He offered to see my twice a week, which switched off missing him almost completely. I think less about him now than I ever did, even when I was doing well. I'm not sure I'd recommend this route because it sounds like it could also have the opposite effect. That's just what happened to me.
I think there's certainly lots of ways to make it less painful and intense and your T can help you with it if you talk to him about it.

[Lrad123]

My T has offered to see me twice/week in the past but we never found a time that would work for us. I think he thought that would help me maintain the connection better between sessions. Right now, I’m wondering if maybe the opposite would be better. What would happen if I took a planned one month break? It might give me a sense of control and lessen these feelings. He and I both have a one week break anyway, so maybe turning that into a one month break might be helpful in a way. I’m not exactly sure if this makes sense.

[MoxieDoxie]

I feel I am maladaptively daydreaming way to much about him. Instead of getting work done or focusing on studying, I am daydreaming about different types of scenarios with him.

It is all consuming and I just do not understand anymore. I worry about how and when he terminates me. I read to many stories of therapist referring their clients out because they could not deal with the transference or felt the transference was hindering therapy. I will not discuss this with him. He has got to know to some degree that I am attached to him.

I think I am so broken from childhood that this will never go away.

I also try to think are the problems I went to him for abated? I went because I was so bulimic, self harming and continuously wanting to die and always thinking about sui***. In 4 months I have only thrown up twice so that is in recovery, I have not self harmed and I do not get triggered on a continuous basis. I see the reason for the form of recovery because I can vent to him during the week and I see him twice a week. Now if he just terminates me would all that just come flooding back in? That scares me.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

My T has offered to see me twice/week in the past but we never found a time that would work for us. I think he thought that would help me maintain the connection better between sessions. Right now, I’m wondering if maybe the opposite would be better. What would happen if I took a planned one month break? It might give me a sense of control and lessen these feelings. He and I both have a one week break anyway, so maybe turning that into a one month break might be helpful in a way. I’m not exactly sure if this makes sense.

You could try, for me when he did a 2 week break, it was helpful in a sense, it really helped me focus more and I was able to feel more secure with us BUT I also felt like the connection died... and it took a few sessions for it to get back.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I read to many stories of therapist referring their clients out because they could not deal with the transference or felt the transference was hindering therapy. I will not discuss this with him. He has got to know to some degree that I am attached to him.

Oh so true. This is why my T does not like me going on here, and he's right, it IS bad for me, and plays with my anxiety more but it's a hard habit to break, I keep getting sucked in. It really sucks how often this happens in therapy though because you are made to believe you can say anything and you get to trust these people...

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

..I keep thinking this is what it must feel like to be in a cult.

Yes, it is. Therapy often turns into an experience of being in a cult and this has nothing to do with a therapist's ethics or morals. It's a major flaw of the process itself.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Have any of you talked to your T’s about this?

When I was in therapy, yes, I did. It didn't help. It, actually, made things worse.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Is there a way for this to feel less hurtful?

Not as I know of.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Is it worth it?

Nope. Not in my case. Not a tiny bit of this stress, trauma, suffering and insanity was worth it.