[ElectricManatee]

My T basically allows however much outside contact I need. I can send an email or leave a voicemail, and she almost always responds with 24 hours, unless I tell her that I don't need a response. My T says that she trusts me to self-regulate when I can and she knows that I use other coping strategies too, so she hasn't felt a need to impose any limits around outside contact with me. I think maybe it is relevant too that the contact usually helps me calm down rather than escalating the problem or creating new problems (i.e., it is rare that I am upset by her response).

My T says that she wants to be there for me when I feel like I need her, and she wants for me to learn that it's safe to reach out to people for help. I reach out semi-regularly and always appreciate being able to do it, but I still feel a lot of fear and anxiety around contacting her. She genuinely doesn't seem to mind spending the extra (unpaid) time on me, but maybe I feel like I'm not worth it. A lot of the things I am in therapy for center around being able to feel like I belong and that it's okay for me to take up space in the world, so I can see the link to how my T finds outside contact therapeutically important. I just feel uncomfortable about it.

I think my anxiety is compounded by reading posts here about people who emphasize self-reliance and try to avoid contacting their therapists at all costs or people who have therapists who arbitrarily shift boundaries. I am wondering if there are people out there who have had mostly positive experiences with outside contact. Did your feelings about reaching out change over time? Does your T encourage you to contact them? In what circumstances? How/why does it help? Do you think of outside contact as a central part of therapy or just a nice little bonus?

[Echos Myron redux]

I do have mostly positive experiences of outside contact with my T. We've taken a while to find out what works for us in terms of outside contact and we are both better at managing it in a way which ends up being helpful about 90-95% of the time.
There's definitely been a shift in the way he responds to my emails over the years. Initially he would either not respond, or respond with a brief email acknowledging receipt (which is what his contract suggests he will do) but now he usually tries to respond to my email in a meaningful way, and it rarely takes him longer than 24h to respond. I think the trust has grown mutually. He always says he trusts me to make decisions on extra time, extra sessions, etc, and I suppose, like your T that extends to regulating the necessary out of session contact too. If I don't want a response I tell him so, and on those occasions he won't. It really seems to work for us and I find it a helpful part of therapy.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Whilst I don't believe outside contact is an essential part of the therapeutic relationship, I do believe it has been useful in my own. My therapist (R) encouraged it - 'Don't apologise for reaching out.'

A recent experience of outside contact where I wasn't met in the way I would have wanted made me uncomfortable, but I think we will be able to fix that.

If your T has said that she wants you to learn that it's safe to reach out, I believe you can reach out unless and until she tells you otherwise.

Take care!

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

My T basically allows however much outside contact I need. I can send an email or leave a voicemail, and she almost always responds with 24 hours, unless I tell her that I don't need a response. My T says that she trusts me to self-regulate when I can and she knows that I use other coping strategies too, so she hasn't felt a need to impose any limits around outside contact with me. I think maybe it is relevant too that the contact usually helps me calm down rather than escalating the problem or creating new problems (i.e., it is rare that I am upset by her response).

My T says that she wants to be there for me when I feel like I need her, and she wants for me to learn that it's safe to reach out to people for help. I reach out semi-regularly and always appreciate being able to do it, but I still feel a lot of fear and anxiety around contacting her. She genuinely doesn't seem to mind spending the extra (unpaid) time on me, but maybe I feel like I'm not worth it. A lot of the things I am in therapy for center around being able to feel like I belong and that it's okay for me to take up space in the world, so I can see the link to how my T finds outside contact therapeutically important. I just feel uncomfortable about it.

I think my anxiety is compounded by reading posts here about people who emphasize self-reliance and try to avoid contacting their therapists at all costs or people who have therapists who arbitrarily shift boundaries. I am wondering if there are people out there who have had mostly positive experiences with outside contact. Did your feelings about reaching out change over time? Does your T encourage you to contact them? In what circumstances? How/why does it help? Do you think of outside contact as a central part of therapy or just a nice little bonus?

My former T allowed a lot of outside contact, usually through emails but I could text her and request a phone call--usually 10 or 15 minutes, just a check in that would help ground me or help me get back on track if I was in crisis mode. I think it was very helpful to me. I had a lot of trouble talking about hard stuff in therapy. Not that I didn't want to open up but just voicing the words was very difficult. So I could "talk" on email and then we would talk about it in session. It helped me tell her a lot about my life and my past experiences. My former T always encouraged me to contact her if I needed to and seemed to trust me that I knew when I needed to and when I could get by until the next session. Sometimes it would be several short emails in a day and then nothing the rest of the week, or sometimes it would be a long email once and then nothing, or a few quick emails on several days of the week. She never once said I was contacting her too much. I think at first it was central to my therapy because I just wasn't opening up enough in session but as time went by and I was able to talk more about most things, it was a nice bonus, especially helpful with SH feelings/thoughts/actions.

[fille_folle]

I have had mostly positive experiences with outside contact. However, my current T does not encourage it. She hasn't told me not to contact her, but she only rarely mentions I can contact her, or asks me to contact her. She doesn't do email. It's really only contact if I'm in crisis. However, I still say it's positive, because the contact we do have is helpful. I sometimes wish I could send her an email. I wouldn't need her to respond to it, but it would be helpful if I could send it. Without the ability to email, I usually don't have the motivation to write and even when I do, I no longer want to share by the next session. That's my only complaint, really.

My longtime T was similar, only she reminded me I could contact her much more often. I didn't feel like it was necessarily only for crisis purposes.

Overall, I think the ability to have outside contact in crisis is an essential part of therapy. I would not see a therapist who had a rigid boundary that only allowed scheduling contact. Outside of crisis is not essential, and depending on the person can either be a nice bonus and really helpful to the therapeutic process, or can foster dependence and interfere with the therapeutic process. It just depends. I haven't noticed any posts where therapists arbitrarily changed boundaries around contact. There have been times when therapists have handled situations badly when asking clients to cut back on outside contact, but I can't recall any posts where there wasn't a reason the therapist was changing boundaries. I understand your anxiety about this. I think that instead of "avoiding contact at all costs," you can avoid this outcome by just being mindful of the frequency of contact. It sounds like you're utilizing other resources first, so that's great. As long as you don't start contacting her willy nilly just because you can, I think you'll be fine. And for the record, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to be aware of drawing on the resources of others. I'm not saying you should be scared or anxious to ask for help, just that you should aim to not draw on this resource so frequently that it becomes depleted - for your own benefit.

[SlumberKitty]

I had to stop seeing my former T because she got sick with MS and couldn't see clients anymore. I thought I would have a hard time with not being able to email her as frequently, but I am still able to contact her on email...I haven't done so yet though. I'm waiting a month at least. But I find each day that I go without contacting her it gets a little bit easier.

[RaineD]

I think I've had mostly positive experiences with outside contact. My therapist has never really encouraged or discouraged outside contact (except when he goes on long trips--then he will tell me I can text or email him if I need him). I used to text/email when I needed to, but I rarely needed to. I'm not one of those people who requires a lot of outside contact.

After big fights, I would sometimes email him to tell him how I feel. He always responded promptly, and his responses always made me feel better. One time, when my bio dad was threatening to commit suicide, I texted T a lot (and by "a lot," I mean I sent him maybe five or six texts over two days, but it's a lot for me), and he responded to help me through that stupid situation. When I first moved and started my new job, I texted him whenever something interesting happened, and he'd respond with encouraging remarks.

When I first started seeing my therapist, I didn't have his email address or his cell phone number so I couldn't really contact him between sessions even if I had wanted to. I suppose I could have left a voicemail on his office line, but that's--I don't know--inefficient? Eventually, he gave me his cell phone number and his email address. He never really told me I could contact him between sessions (except one time when he was going to be out of town for 5 or 6 weeks), but I started doing it occasionally, and he didn't tell me I couldn't do it either.

For me, the outside contact was something that started happening organically, as our relationship progressed and deepened. I never abused it so I don't expect him to ever shift boundaries and prohibit it.

The outside contact I've had with him has been helpful. For example, after a big fight, I'm usually feeling pretty bad, and if I had to wait till the next session to talk to him about it, I might go crazy. So being able to email him about the fight helped. When my bio dad was threatening to kill himself, I needed immediate advice on what to do so it helped that I could text my therapist.

I don't feel bad about it because I didn't do it that often. I actually would not be cool with a therapist who didn't allow any outside contact whatsoever. I mean, is this a relationship or not?

Ever since his health got worse, I've been avoiding bothering him with texts. So these days I only text about scheduling issues. Every once in a while I text him to tell him I love him.

[Glowworm80]

My T has said I can contact them if I need to by email or text but that they won't do therapy and will only and will only reply a short response. I'm not entirely sure what she means by 'need' or where the boundary lies. I have often had a huge urge to but so far resisted except for rescheduling a few times. It interests me to see so many positive experiences of outside contact where boundaries were still able to be maintained and the client found it helpful.

Of those who text their therapists? Do you send messages that you expect responses to or are they sometimes just statements or observations that you have noted that don't require a response? My therapist was out sick with the flu last week so cancelled our session and I thought of sending a text the following day asking how she was or send get well soon wishes but I didn't. Has anyone done this? I'm not sure if that is crossing a line or not as I'm not sure it classify as a need but I did have a huge urge to and had to resist not doing it.

[fille_folle]

If a therapist is just out sick for a week with the flu or something, I wouldn't bother them with a text. If you had a huge urge to text about it, I would think it was more about having the connection than expressing get well wishes. Missing a session is hard, so I get that. But I personally would let the T recuperate in peace and save any expressions of concern for the next session. If the T was out for a long time with an illness, it would be different.

[fille_folle]

Oh, and if I text my T, it is something that requires a response. If it didn't, I wouldn't see a point in contacting her by text. If my T did email, it might be different.

[feralkittymom]

I've always had positive experiences with outside session contact, but I've also generally not had consistent need for such contact. I would not see a T that had a blanket policy against any contact because that tells me that the T has difficulty negotiating boundaries and so is reacting in a defensive absolutist manner.

But that said, both of my Ts have been older and neither used e-mail or text for communication. The first had an answering service to take calls--they would take the message and page him. He would usually respond within an hour. The second has voicemail and a phone system that alerts her at home after hrs to messages left on her office system. And she has responded within a day. So both communicate exclusively by phone.

Former T would talk with me for maybe 10 min or so, and if necessary, schedule an extra session. Especially when I saw him in his private practice, he would accommodate an extra session often within a day. When I saw him at the Univ clinic, he could always make time available by coming in an hour early to see me.


Former T encouraged contact for me because he felt it was therapeutic and useful. My tendency was to "suffer in silence" and wait for sessions; if my tendency were to be unable to contain my emotions, or to be highly reactive, I expect he would have encouraged limitations on contact as part of a larger strategy of developing containment skills.

I think the Ts who seem to get into difficulty with contact are those who don't understand contact as part of a larger therapeutic strategy and, instead, either see it as a customer service sort of thing, or needing to see themselves as "helpful," or who themselves have a problem with their personal use of communication tech. Especially with younger Ts who have grown up with smart phones, I think they often don't recognize how tied to their devices they are, perhaps in an unhealthy way, and so don't anticipate becoming overwhelmed by client contact until it happens. And then they too often have to scramble, and clients experience it as a radical shift in boundaries and feel shamed by it.

I think reaching out can be empowering simply as an action, and the anxiety surrounding it lessening over time may be an indication that it is therapeutic. It's not so much about the frequency of contacts in that case, but rather about what the contact accomplishes and its aftermath. Do you feel calmer, more settled and satisfied after the contact--it's probably therapeutic. For clients who feel reactive pressure to express every thought and emotion experienced in the moment, I suspect the aftermath doesn't feel satisfied, or not for long. The underlying need is intensified by the experience of what feels like only a taste of contact, and it fuels the need more than satisfies it.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Glowworm80

Of those who text their therapists? Do you send messages that you expect responses to or are they sometimes just statements or observations that you have noted that don't require a response?

I mostly have just sent texts that require a response, such as a question, or something related to the appointment time. I have though on occasion sent a Merry Christmas text and the like.

[Glowworm80]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

If a therapist is just out sick for a week with the flu or something, I wouldn't bother them with a text. If you had a huge urge to text about it, I would think it was more about having the connection than expressing get well wishes. Missing a session is hard, so I get that. But I personally would let the T recuperate in peace and save any expressions of concern for the next session. If the T was out for a long time with an illness, it would be different.

Thanks. I do think it's a bit about the connection but I don't know if that's all it is. I think there is more to it than that. Not entirely sure what. I didn't send the message mainly because I was unsure if it would have crossed the line of what was ok and also because I knew she was ill and thus the last thing she would need is to hear from a client. I.e being reminded of work and all that other stuff people like to get away from when ill. There is another part of me that says however that sending the message is a human desire to show care to another human being that was suffering. Yes I know she does not need my care and she surely has other people in her life who can show her care but I don't believe the one thing we have too much of in this one is people showing care for others. Whether that is in the form of a simple 'I hope you are feeling better' text or another means. I don't know. Anyway, I didn't send the text but do find this thread really interesting as I said. Thanks for your input. I hope I am not taking over the thread and derailing it. Apologies If I am.

[Glowworm80]

I think reaching out can be empowering simply as an action, and the anxiety surrounding it lessening over time may be an indication that it is therapeutic. It's not so much about the frequency of contacts in that case, but rather about what the contact accomplishes and its aftermath. Do you feel calmer, more settled and satisfied after the contact--it's probably therapeutic. For clients who feel reactive pressure to express every thought and emotion experienced in the moment, I suspect the aftermath doesn't feel satisfied, or not for long. The underlying need is intensified by the experience of what feels like only a taste of contact, and it fuels the need more than satisfies it.

This makes a lot of sense to me! Surely if persons difficulty is or was that they never reached out to others when they needed to growing up then this might be a way of helping with that and as you say actually therapeutic?

[DP_2017]

I did have to deal with boundary changes, it was my fault though and I've had to accept that punishment.

At first, the no email felt like a terrible experience and maybe it was but it's become positive I think. I've started to write down things and discuss in person, it's lead to better conversations between us and being able to understand each other. I also feel much more secure in our relationship. I don't need reassurance or anything anymore. I rarely even have any urge to contact.

Before the incident when I messed up, he was fantastic about it though, all positive. He went out of his way a lot for me, especially in dealing with the death I had last year. I'm still ALLOWED to email (he wont reply) and allowed to text (we check in every Fri) I know he has no limits on that stuff and he wont get mad but again, I haven't felt a need to do it. So I guess sometimes a "negative" incident can become positive.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

My T basically allows however much outside contact I need. I can send an email or leave a voicemail, and she almost always responds with 24 hours, unless I tell her that I don't need a response. My T says that she trusts me to self-regulate when I can and she knows that I use other coping strategies too, so she hasn't felt a need to impose any limits around outside contact with me. I think maybe it is relevant too that the contact usually helps me calm down rather than escalating the problem or creating new problems (i.e., it is rare that I am upset by her response).

My T says that she wants to be there for me when I feel like I need her, and she wants for me to learn that it's safe to reach out to people for help. I reach out semi-regularly and always appreciate being able to do it, but I still feel a lot of fear and anxiety around contacting her. She genuinely doesn't seem to mind spending the extra (unpaid) time on me, but maybe I feel like I'm not worth it. A lot of the things I am in therapy for center around being able to feel like I belong and that it's okay for me to take up space in the world, so I can see the link to how my T finds outside contact therapeutically important. I just feel uncomfortable about it.

I think my anxiety is compounded by reading posts here about people who emphasize self-reliance and try to avoid contacting their therapists at all costs or people who have therapists who arbitrarily shift boundaries. I am wondering if there are people out there who have had mostly positive experiences with outside contact. Did your feelings about reaching out change over time? Does your T encourage you to contact them? In what circumstances? How/why does it help? Do you think of outside contact as a central part of therapy or just a nice little bonus?

98% of the time emailing T was very beneficial. There were a couple of times it to big misunderstandings but we worked it out. I always had a fear of being too much of being a burden. It got somewhat better but not 100%. At one point a few months ago she mention me cutting back but reassured me she wasn't saying I couldnt do it just less often. After discussion we realized her reasoning was because of a misunderstanding in an email. Email was very beneficial especially when I disclosed my CSA. She was the first person I told. The only other person who knew was the abuser. I was wreck and literally had nobody to talk to.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

My former T allowed a lot of outside contact, usually through emails but I could text her and request a phone call--usually 10 or 15 minutes, just a check in that would help ground me or help me get back on track if I was in crisis mode. I think it was very helpful to me. I had a lot of trouble talking about hard stuff in therapy. Not that I didn't want to open up but just voicing the words was very difficult. So I could "talk" on email and then we would talk about it in session. It helped me tell her a lot about my life and my past experiences. My former T always encouraged me to contact her if I needed to and seemed to trust me that I knew when I needed to and when I could get by until the next session. Sometimes it would be several short emails in a day and then nothing the rest of the week, or sometimes it would be a long email once and then nothing, or a few quick emails on several days of the week. She never once said I was contacting her too much. I think at first it was central to my therapy because I just wasn't opening up enough in session but as time went by and I was able to talk more about most things, it was a nice bonus, especially helpful with SH feelings/thoughts/actions.

That pretty much sums up my experience as well

[stopdog]

The ones I have seen have always encouraged me to contact them. The times I did - it was always fine or at least no worse than dealing with them in person.

[Seelenna1982]

I’ve only been with t 6months with a lot of breaks here and there. So I don’t have great advice, but to let you know you’re not alone in your worry. I don’t like to rely on someone, or feel like I need or want something from anyone.
My T is ALWAYS asking me to reach out anytime. Call, text or email. I very occasionally email but I’m terrified doing it. I could never call or text. I hate to impose on anyone ever. Dialing a phone number is like torture for me. Even so, she still says it every session. If I do email her, she’s very kind and will usually reply the next day though I often ask her not to reply.
My logical side would say “if she allows you to reach out, that’s her choice so she’s clearly ok with it, I would encourage you to do so when you feel like it would help you in any way”
But I don’t act much on my logical side 😉

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Did your feelings about reaching out change over time? Does your T encourage you to contact them? In what circumstances? How/why does it help? Do you think of outside contact as a central part of therapy or just a nice little bonus?

Yes, I think it's a part of therapy in general. I don't think it's necessarily a 'central' part of therapy, but it is the responsibility of the therapist to manage communications effectively.

I can tell you that my needs and feelings about reaching out has changed substantially over time but for different reasons.

I used to be like you and afraid to need/ask for something. When I first started therapy with the first T (which was short-lived) this really young part came out that would call him and be confused. I would say I don't understand why I'm calling you but feel pangs in my belly. Lots of other stuff...

That went away. Then I started with my first-long term T and was very avoidant. I'm not a self-injurer, but oddly felt a strong need to harm myself at the mere thought of asking for help, including a simple call or email. He didn't encourage contacting him and would often not reply. That changed at one point, then I recall contacting him in between sessions.

Then we had to separate for logistical reasons; then found my current T, who also didn't encourage this, but from my experience with the last T, I think, I was over the avoidant-ness by the time I started with this t. I was really dysregulated with this one at first and contacted him a lot for both positive and distressful times. It got really bad at one point, and we had ruptures. However, I was actually being traumatized and just didn't realize it at the time.

Now, he changed his therapy approach, and I find sessions more containing so I have no need to reach out for the most part. I will, however, not hesitate to reach out if something major comes up.

I'm probably not a good example on this issue as I varied so much but wanted to share that I worked through those 'not worthy' issues, and how different the needs can be with the same person.

[malika138]

Having outside contact is important to me and I agree with others that I'd have a hard time with rigid boundaries that restricted contact solely to scheduling. T says I can text or email but I use only email, typically once or twice a month, and she responds within 24 hours (usually within hours). When she had been traveling she has reached out to see how I am doing. Usually her emails are short and to the point which suits me.

Emailing helps me when I start to become unstable.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I am wondering if there are people out there who have had mostly positive experiences with outside contact. Did your feelings about reaching out change over time? Does your T encourage you to contact them? In what circumstances? How/why does it help? Do you think of outside contact as a central part of therapy or just a nice little bonus?

My experience with this has been positive. My therapist she has said it's fine as long as I'm okay with her not always responding. It hasn't been a drama or anything of a negative nature that I've seen alluded to by those who feel it's not a good idea. It's been helpful for me, and when I don't feel like emailing for a period of time, I don't. Every person and situation is different. No one size fits all, especially when it comes to therapy.

My outside contact is positive.
Of course over the early years I used it to create necessary conflict. But she was well aware of this and understood why I did before I even understood.
But yeah, she's pretty good at email therapy.
As the years have gone on, it's only happens when I need to clarify something or in a bad spot.
It worked well for me.

[downandlonely]

I am not currently in therapy, but I never really contacted any of my previous therapists outside of sessions.

[kecanoe]

T1 is ok with texts, calls and emails. He always responds almost always the same day (occasionally he will tell me he will be out of touch). He has encouraged it. Over the years there have been times where I contacted him daily. Now, I do two sessions a week and probably contact him a couple times a month outside of that. The need/desire to contact has definitely decreased. There have been a couple of times where messages didn't go through, which was very distressing at the time. Now, I assume it is a technical glitch and either wait until session or just text to see if he got the first communication. He's fine with that, too.

We have talked about the contact at different points and have made adjustments. At this point, we will sometimes agree on a check-in either initiated by him or me. And sometimes I just initiate the contact.

I use texting to reach out, sometimes I will ask for a call. We mostly use email for scheduling when I can't do my usual M and F. But I can email whenever/whatever if I want. Probably if I was contacting him after 9 pm I would email. He says he has only been contacted in the middle of the night a few times in over 20 years (none by me) and he was glad that those people made the contact.