[justbreathe1994]

I am struggling with feeling a sense of closure without being able to communicate with my ex T. Regardless of how it ended, I want to beleive she cares and was hoping for some objective feedback. I understand she was my therapist and therefore hired as a professional, however, there was also a relationship there too. I am afraid I destroyed her caring by crossing her boundary. Today she saw me in the hall and we made brief eye contact, but she looked away quickly. She also looked very nervous to see me as I’m guessing she knows how painful this week has been (I’m having a hard time finding another therapist and so my mom called my team at the clinic and to see if they had any more referrals since the ones ex T gave me are either not taking my insurance or have a full practice). I feel like the only way for me to move on is to beleive ex T cares and somehow conceptualize her leaving suddenly. And I really don’t know how to do it.

[kecanoe]

FWIW, boundary crossing doesn't usually destroy caring. In fact, when I have had to hold professional boundaries I have sometimes found it painful.

On the other hand, I don't really believe in closure when a T has dropped a person. I think it gets less painful, and I think that having a way to conceptualize this may well be helpful-but closure? I just don't know. I have not seen it.

Can you frame it as you drove by her house, not knowing that it would mean that she would quit seeing you. But to her (or her supervisor) it did mean termination. Hopefully she was just enforcing a boundary that she set deliberately and before you drove by. The no drive-by would be a boundary for some professionals. Certainly not all, but I am sure that your T is not the only one with that limit.

I am sorry this happened. I do not think she should have terminated.

[Fuzzybear]

I also think that boundary crossing doesn’t usually destroy caring (assuming the T did care in the first place)

I’m not sure about the answer to the other question ..I too am sorry this happened.

[Myrto]

I wonder whether choosing a completely different clinic wouldn't be best for you. Because otherwise you will constantly run into your therapist, which is a terrible idea and won't help you move on. Could you find a therapist outside of the clinic where your ex therapist works? In my experience, a clean break is the only thing that helps. Time as well. As for her looking away, I would interpret that differently: she totally overreacted and maybe she feels she acted stupidly? Of course she won't go back on her decision because that would make her look foolish but something to consider. I still think she behaved wrongly, not you.

I’m not sure real closure is possible without contact, but I am 100% sure you can move past this and live a happy life even without what it feels like you need right now.

I would Google ‘how to get over an obsessive relationship’ and take all advice given. Zero contact is typically recommended as excruciating as that seems. You need to avoid any and all emotional triggers or you will be back to Day 1 of grieving.

Budfox posts interesting research tidbits on how clients get into this mess (I don’t think it was your fault), but understanding the dynamics of what hapens to certain people in the therapy dynamic might alleviate your guilt. Whether to move forward with a new therapist is your choice.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't know if closure is possible but I do think it is possible to move forward and live your life without the closure. It is very painful at first, but like the saying says, time heals all wounds. It just needs more time. I agree that your T can still care even though she terminated. I'm sorry this hurts so much.

[SalingerEsme]

I agree with finding your own T, and starting fresh : New Hampshire Therapists, Psychologists, Counseling - Therapist New Hampshire - Psychologist New Hampshire

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I agree with finding your own T, and starting fresh : New Hampshire Therapists, Psychologists, Counseling - Therapist New Hampshire - Psychologist New Hampshire

I have actually been looking for a DBT T outside of the program and found a potential prospect, however, I still have to figure out my financial situation since they don’t take insurance. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to swing seeing them but many DBT therapists/programs don’t take insurance and the ones that do have incredibly long waiting lists that can also be pretty unpredictable (estimations being 1-10 months, like what kind of an estimation is that?? Lol)

The reason I have been continuing to go to the clinic is because my dietician aka the clinical director is still letting me see her for a few more months. I know there are mixed opinions on whether this is good for me/prolonging the grief etc, but I fear that if I leave now/cancel my sessions and change my mind later, my dietician won’t let me come back and I’ll feel a lot of regret. Also, while losing my T has been incredibly painful and has causeed inevitable tension on my relationship with my dietician, I want to feel as much closure as possible. I am hoping that in 3 months time, I will be in a much better place and feel better about saying goodbye to my dietician. Of course, in the midst of all this, is a deep longing to hold onto connection with T. It’s difficult for me to see her in the hall, but it’s also the only type of “contact” I have left with her at this point and that in itself is very hard for me to let go of.

[justbreathe1994]

I know this is probably wrong for me to hope but I am hoping that my T will give me more closure and/or change her mind a year or 2 from now after I get over the obsessive attachment. It’s so hard for me to understand how this can be permanent. I am not trying to diminish the impact of my boundary crossing (and I probably won’t ever fully comprehend the effect until I become a T someday), but the relationship felt so deep. It’s easier for me to understand her needing space, but I really don’t understand how to she could end it forever.