Couch 180:

Are you planning on bringing it up and addressing his discomfort with him directly?

I think I have to? I need to know what's happening for him. His response to my email was a slight damper on an otherwise wonderful weekend. I only emailed him because he had been so present for me this weekend in such a positive way.

I wouldn't have told you that you should bring it up if you weren't comfortable doing so, because you weren't asking for anyone's advice, it's your personal choice, I know it can be difficult, etc.
But I wanted to say I'm glad that you are planning on talking to him about it; imo it's a good thing, and I hope it goes well and clears the air
and props for being willing and able to address it

(and sorry it's a crummy situation to have to deal with )

It was so funny because at times things came out of my T's T's mouth that sounded like my T and it was really nice to hear where that influence came from, in the same way I know my T influences me. It was like he was in the room in two different ways in me and in his ex T. I really liked it.
I felt like I had his permission to like it and the idea that he has somehow rescinded permission troubles me.

T tonight. 5.5 hours to go.

I had this weird thought process this morning
I don't know what brought this on for sure. I don't know what it means for sure. I guess I have something to talk about with T tonight.

The Couch is quiet today...

I just got out of a production meeting at work which was a very stern meeting. FYE is this month so we need to push as much product out the door as possible and its like there's all these obstacles. I'm glad about the production meeting in one sense though because it kept me distracted. I'm looking forward to T tonight but I'm anxious about it too because of what my thoughts were like earlier. I don't want to drive. I don't want to be out, etc.

That seems scary. Is it possible you had a dream last night that you don't remember well that put it in your head? Be safe...

I hate when I feel generally fine about a session when it happens, then hours later end up obsessing about some things that T said...

I don't know. It's possible but I don't remember any of my dreams from last night, which isn't unusual. At least it was just this morning and it hasn't continued this afternoon. I talked to my Mom at lunch but I couldn't bring myself to tell her about it because she would just worry and get all "Mom" like on me. Or she would want to take me to the hospital in case it was a hallucination.

Seriously the worst. I hate anxiety. I try hard to be logical about things to combat the anxiety and most times it helps but somedays, it just doesn't, I am feeling kinda the same about something we texted...and I gotta sit on it until Thurs

Hope you are ok

I felt like everyone at my writer’s workshop was looking at me oddly tonight, just because I submitted a short story about the gatekeeper of

.

And I’m so tired of being told my work—writing, academic stuff, ideas—is “interesting.” It’s like people don’t know what to say to describe it and for them it’s out in left field somewhere.

Back at work after a week off due to the effing depression.

Had a pretty good day (only 11h, very reasonable), though one of my interns has this perpetually terrified expression on her face and whenever I look at her I'm like "oh crap has somebody's kidney exploded?" but then when I ask her what's up she just needs help with a lab order or something. I was starting to feel annoyed but then I started wondering if that annoyance had its roots in my own anxiety and tried to conjure some compassion towards the both of us instead.

It's a work in progress... hopefully as we work together over the next few weeks, she'll feel more comfortable and I'll manage to be a more compassionate human. Wish us luck??

That's a very mature approach.

Well in some none crappy news I found out I made the deans list today at school.

In awkward news, the first time I saw t after leaving the country and me confessing I was pissed at him happened today. It’s so weird to have a level of relationship where I was just literally telling him through email I was mad, to him walking into a dance studio and talking about college with his daughter and him. Like there is nothing else going on.

That sounds like a great idea. Were they checking credentials? Keeping people in or out?
My problem when I went to writer's workshops was that I often mistook serious for funny. I would be over there laughing because I thought the other participant was trying to be funny and I was wrong an alarming amount of the time.
It happens with me a lot.

Congratulations

its a real thing! also, remember that 99% of the time, people are way too into their own head to be worrying about you

When I went into inpatient, a T that I saw for a few minutes the night before for the first time, asked all of us in group how much we thought about him since the night before. I said approximately 30 sec-1 minute. Everyone was around the 1 to 2 minute mark. He said that we just are not that important to other people, which sort of sounds bad, but does make sense. Apparently its a big thing in AA too.

I've written something to be read at my dad's memorial service. I'm a little worried that "interesting" is going to be the reaction to it too, although I like interesting. My therapist read it and likes it so there's that. Maybe I should just be brave and let it go out there and say what it says.

Couch poll:

What (to you) is the difference between setting a boundary and giving an ultimatum?

Something my t said a ways back set me wondering, and it’s on my mind tonight.

Today's fertility consult went really well. She didn't get on my case for my weight or diabetes. She did tell me that I have to stop smoking at least a month before we start treatment. She wants me to see a different specialist for high risk pregnancies. I have to do some hormone testing and dna testing. Andhave to get clearance from all my doctors before I start treatment. Otherwise, IVF will start in about 3months, and I can be pregnant as early as 6months from now!

It was interesting though... She did another ultrasound, and it looks like I ovulated on my own! She still thinks we should do IVF since nothing has happened in the 13 years my H and I have been together and with 11 cycles of Clomid.

Anyways, I'm excited! One more step towards my goal.

Best way I can think to express it are ultimatums are intended to control the other person with a threat and boundaries are for you and taking care of you, even if there’s a consequence the other person doesn’t like?

So like a boundary would be, “It’s not acceptable for you to leave a mess for me to clean alone. You’re responsible for your own messes now.” And an ultimatum would be “clean up your mess or else!”

Boundaries are set for my own personal safety and personal empowerment. Ultimatums, to me, actually show little internal control and are mostly about threat and punishment.