[Rive1976]

I need some help. So my therapist wants to speak to my parents about my behaviors as a child to better understand my behaviors as an adult. Im cool with my therapist talking to my dad. With my mom not so much( she wants to talk to her mainly because she was my primary care giver) Anyway my mother has been rude to me in the past saying you worry to much about that stuff, you obsess and if anything had happened to you, you would have never forgotten it. She also changes her story often. She told me that when I was 8 that I told my father I wanted to give him oral sex and that I told this woman I wanted to touch her breasts. Yet now she says she never said that and swears nothing ever happened to me. My mom can be manipulative, making herself look like the ultimate mother ( when in actuality she emotionally abused me from as young as I can remember until 19 when i moved out) She likes to make me look sh*tty. So what would you do?

I would NEVER allow outside people into my therapy sessions and would promptly shut down a therapist request for it. Therapy was my sacred space and I wouldn’t want toxic family members to pollute that.

Perhaps as an alternative, could you engage a family therapist for this purpose and leave your regular therapist for your day to day stuff?

Also, I don’t see how arguing with family members about what did or didn’t happen is therapeutic. What is important is how you remember it and how you felt about it at the time.

[growlycat]

I never had any success with family therapy. My parents were just not cooperative. Your mom seems to be holding key info but is unwilling to share truthfully. Do you really want to put yourself through that?

[Argonautomobile]

I think this is a terrible idea. It would be for me, anyway. And frankly I find the suggestion on your T's part pretty strange. For me, my parents' points of view or memory of the past is infinitely less important than my own. At least as far as therapy is concerned. Insofar as past events come into my therapy at all (I rarely allow that) they're important only in how they affected ME.

I mean, what if I talked to a parent about some abusive event and they denied it happened, or remembered it differently? Not only would that be hurtful, it's totally irrelevant. My perception of the incident - my problems, my memories, my nightmares, my symptoms - they don't just go away because someone else has a different viewpoint.

The whole idea has me so flustered I'm having trouble articulating myself. You asked what we would do - well, I just wouldn't do it. Period. And I'd want to punch my T in the face for even suggesting it.

Good luck with everything.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by Dnester

I need some help. So my therapist wants to speak to my parents about my behaviors as a child to better understand my behaviors as an adult. Im cool with my therapist talking to my dad. With my mom not so much( she wants to talk to her mainly because she was my primary care giver) Anyway my mother has been rude to me in the past saying you worry to much about that stuff, you obsess and if anything had happened to you, you would have never forgotten it. She also changes her story often. She told me that when I was 8 that I told my father I wanted to give him oral sex and that I told this woman I wanted to touch her breasts. Yet now she says she never said that and swears nothing ever happened to me. My mom can be manipulative, making herself look like the ultimate mother ( when in actuality she emotionally abused me from as young as I can remember until 19 when i moved out) She likes to make me look sh*tty. So what would you do?

My mother lives 1 and 1/2 hours away. I was in the hospital for a month and she did not bother to come see me. She doesnt come visit me. I know she will not drive all that way to talk about something she hates talking about. The reason why I want this is to get answers that may be helpful to me now. My fear is that my therapist will treat me different after my manipulative mother talks to her.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by Dnester

My mother lives 1 and 1/2 hours away. I was in the hospital for a month and she did not bother to come see me. She doesnt come visit me. I know she will not drive all that way to talk about something she hates talking about. The reason why I want this is to get answers that may be helpful to me now. My fear is that my therapist will treat me different after my manipulative mother talks to her.

Thank you for clarifying.

From what you describe, I just don't see your mother providing the answers you want. That would be my primary worry - that it would just be an upsetting waste of time. I don't find it as likely that your T's view of you would somehow be poisoned after talking with your mother. You could always talk to your T about this worry.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I never had any success with family therapy. My parents were just not cooperative. Your mom seems to be holding key info but is unwilling to share truthfully. Do you really want to put yourself through that?

I feel that maybe she might open up and be willing to share with her versus me but it may make things akward between me and T.

[Salmon77]

I don't know if this is a good idea in general. But as far as your mother manipulating your T, I would think any decent T would be able to spot manipulative behavior or inconsistent answers. Especially if you've already told her about your mother, she should be on the lookout for stuff like that.

[Rive1976]

See it is impossible for me to know things. I dont have many memories before the age of 8 and what I do remember are just a little bit of snapshots of sexual play with peers. All I do remember is I was taken to therapy at age 8 for some issues. I began freaking out about anything sex related. All I have to go on is what my mother and father say. My father is willing to talk about it anytime but says he only remembers that i got very upset that a boy kept exposing himself to me. My mother said that she took me to therapy because I said I wanted to die and the things i mentioned above ( suggesting or*l s*x with dad and wanted to touch a womans breast) she denys that now. Saying i was just jealous of my sister. I have a documented piece of paper that said when I was 8 I touched my infant sister. What does being jealous have to do with that? My mother just shuts down when I try to get answers. I need to heal. My therapist thinks my mother may at least be able to tell me what I was like prior to 8 since i dont remember.

Originally Posted by Dnester

My therapist thinks my mother may at least be able to tell me what I was like prior to 8 since i dont remember.

Your mother does not sound like a reliable source. I think that in itself is very painful, but seeking out answers or explanations from a person who has hurt you is not a very safe thing to do.

It sounds as if you (and to some extent your therapist) are caught in a search for The Truth about your childhood experiences. Sometimes that truth is not available to us and it makes sense to focus on dealing with what we experience and what is available to us now.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Your mother does not sound like a reliable source. I think that in itself is very painful, but seeking out answers or explanations from a person who has hurt you is not a very safe thing to do.

It sounds as if you (and to some extent your therapist) are caught in a search for The Truth about your childhood experiences. Sometimes that truth is not available to us and it makes sense to focus on dealing with what we experience and what is available to us now.

Everybody keeps telling me that. Focus on now who I was in childhood all my problems from childhood still going on now. How is it possible to heal from when I dont know the origin.

Originally Posted by Dnester

How is it possible to heal from when I dont know the origin.

You know enough about the origin to know that you are struggling in the present. You know your current symptoms and the affects of whatever childhood trauma you experienced, you know how you feel now. There is no reliable source from your childhood who can tell your infant story, but that doesn't mean that you can't explore your feelings today.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

You know enough about the origin to know that you are struggling in the present. You know your current symptoms and the affects of whatever childhood trauma you experienced, you know how you feel now. There is no reliable source from your childhood who can tell your infant story, but that doesn't mean that you can't explore your feelings today.

I remember no trauma and I have been told over and over again on this forum that none of my symptoms prove trauma ever happened. I am stuck with feelings of anxiety around sexual topics, innappropriate sexual urges, and newly I have dissociated in therapy. I have no clue where any of these symptoms come from. I have also been told on this forum that I just could have been born this way. So I am really at a loss.

Originally Posted by Dnester

I am stuck with feelings of anxiety around sexual topics, innappropriate sexual urges, and newly I have dissociated in therapy. I have no clue where any of these symptoms come from.

The origin doesn't matter, you know enough about your childhood experiences because you can describe the affects you live with today. That is enough. You do not have access to the detail, the cause, the origin and, as such, these factors are not as important as how you manage what you do know.

[Argonautomobile]

Do you have to know where the symptoms come from in order to address them?

I'm not trying to be cute or snide or anything. I absolutely understand how upsetting it can be to have symptoms/difficulties without an apparent cause. I also understand the desire to know what happened in the past.

But I still wonder if the "why" is necessary. And, if so - why? I have not personally found that knowing the origin of something makes the solution any different. But of course my experience isn't everyone's.

I do hope you find what you're looking for.

[Rive1976]

Yes and my therapist says I manage well but the pain of not knowing the origin never goes away. I dont want to have been born this way. I would much rather been made a freak than born one.

[piggy momma]

I am aghast that your T would request this. It is so unethical and (potentially) a complete breach of your privacy. Not only would I not allow it, I would likely also look for a new therapist.

Your healing has to take place with you. If he cannot do that without bringing your parents into the picture, I would question his competency at this point.

[Rive1976]

I dont understand what is so wrong with this. She isnt going to tell my mother anything just ask some basic questions like how I was as a child and did she notice any abnormal behavior. Im not sure what it could hurt besides mess me and my therapists flow up. I am going to talk to her about some things before I allow her to call.

[velcro003]

i don't think its the worst idea ever, i just wonder if your mom will provide any real answers/relief for you. my T suggested calling my mom over a similar issue as well, bc i don't remember most of my childhood she was going to ask her basic questions of how i was as a kid. i didn't allow it, but i see your T's viewpoint.

[piggy momma]

Would you have asked the question if you had no doubt in your mind it was ok?

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

Would you have asked the question if you had no doubt in your mind it was ok?

I was just wondering. I mean there is the fear it will mess our therapeutic relationship up but as far as T mentioning it i dont see the problem.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by velcro003

i don't think its the worst idea ever, i just wonder if your mom will provide any real answers/relief for you. my T suggested calling my mom over a similar issue as well, bc i don't remember most of my childhood she was going to ask her basic questions of how i was as a kid. i didn't allow it, but i see your T's viewpoint.

Why didnt uou allow it Velcro?

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Dnester

Why didnt uou allow it Velcro?

because i don't want my mom to be a part of my inner life.

[growlycat]

it is unusual for a t to want to speak to the parents of an adult patient. Most therapists can work with where you are. My situation is similar that my memories are either not there or unreliable. Or others remember things that I don’t and I remember things others swear did not happen. You can still work on yourself with never really knowing. It is maddening not to know so I understand why you might want to do this.

[Amyjay]

Dnester, your therapist has absolutely no business asking to speak with your parents, and the fact that she did this in addition to other questionable things she has done really makes me concerned for your therapy. Other questionable things - using EMDR to attempt to recover memories (that is absolutely not in any credible EMDR protocols), and suggesting that you have been sexually abused by your mother.

Can I ask what credentials your therapist has and if she is engaged in supervision or belongs to any licensing bodies?

From what you post I get the feeling you are quite vulnerable and open to suggestion because of your internal need to find a reason for your experiences. Combined with her questionable practises (in particular wanting to speak with your mother whom she has accused of sexually abusing you) I think you are quite vulnerable here.

I just... therapists just don't really ask to talk to relatives of their clients. That is way outside the boundaries of any reputable therapy. Something is really wrong here.