[Lrad123]

It has become more clear to me since I’ve started therapy that I sometimes look to my therapist as sort of a maternal figure. Someone who may be able to show genuine caring and comforting and concern like a mother would and there are times that I want that from him. It’s a bit strange because he’s male, but my understanding is that doesn’t matter. I’m actually relieved he’s male because I think it might be harder and more distracting for me to deal with these maternal sort of issues with a female therapist. It’s also strange because I think of myself as someone who is the one doing the comforting and caregiving both in my home and at my work (I’m in a helping profession).

As I was leaving work the other day after an emotionally draining day I felt the strong urge to talk to my T about my day and just be listened to and maybe be the one who is cared for emotionally for a change. I am estranged from my own mother (and my father died when I was a kid) so I suppose it’s only natural to replace her (or the ideal version of her) with him. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with these feelings. I used to email him and he would occasionally respond with some kind or supportive words, but he recently said he would no longer respond to my emails. He would read them, but not respond, and I just don’t see the point in sending an email if I won’t get a response. So I’m trying to figure out what to do with these feelings of seeing him as someone who in my mind could provide caring and comfort, but apparently it’s not going to happen. Where am I supposed to get these needs met? Am I just supposed to do it myself? I pretty much already handle everything by myself, so I’m not exactly sure what the point of the therapy relationship is. Part of me wishes I could just hire someone to send me supportive emails when I need them, but I suppose that’s not really the answer. And part of me wonders if he’s trying to get me to feel the loss of my mother’s estrangement more fully.

You know. Don't I don't like it whrn I read T's they stop something they've previously engaged in. You've got enough already to have been able to internalise him
It's us that are doing it anyways. The T is just a source we've used to tap into our own inner voice.
Now it's begun its there to stay. Which tends to lead us to other sourceswe meet on our life's and we add to it. .

[Rive1976]

With me I just try to keep myself from falling down that rabbit hole. Everytime I see a therapist I really like that is female ( i dont like men) i start feeling like I want them to be my mother ( my mother emotionally abused me). I just try to say youre doing it again, she doesnt want to be your mother. Yes it hurts but its true. She just has a job to do.

This is hard. I’m really, really sorry.

I struggled with maternal transference a lot. It seems that therapy opens up needs, then leaves us on our own with the hope we can fill them with outside people. This worked for me in some ways and in others ingrained a lasting feeling of rejection and abandonment.

It’s hurtful now but better your therapist draw the line than lead you on in fantasy. Though it may have been better for you to have had consistency (esp with emailing) rather than changing boundaries and taking something important away from you. In my experience this doesn’t bode well for the therapy.

[Anne2.0]

I think there are several different things going on in what you're experiencing, and maybe it would be helpful to pull them apart.

1. Maternal feelings for male therapist-- as you note, a very normal experience and I've had them with my male therapist, after my partner's death. I'm not currently estranged from my mother, but I spent a decade without any contact at all with my FOO (family of origin, including father and sibs, not much extended family). Now it's been 15 years with contact, and the past couple (since my father died), I've grown closer to my mother, who turns out how a very warm and supportive side to her that I did not experience too much growing up. And I notice that my maternal feelings towards T have mellowed out since then, so I wonder if part of what is going on for you is that you need more support in your life.

2. In the helping professions-- I am too, and work with very badly traumatized people often in crisis-- not as a T. I think the downside of being a caregiver/supporter is that you use up your "deposits" of self-care or whatever brings you comfort/feeling cared for at work, and if there are no other places or people to increase your deposits, the withdrawals will tax you. Not a terrible healthy place to be. I've also noticed that at times when I am "taxed" with withdrawals, I am less engaged in a therapy session. The more nurtured and supported I feel, the more I'm able to hunker down and get to the hard stuff. So in my opinion, the maternal feelings are all wrapped up in everyday life and are quite impacted by it.

3. Support system outside therapy-- do you have one? Since I've been single, texting with friends (sometimes out of town) and establishing regular coffee dates or lunch dates has really helped. Contact with adults (I'm a Mom of a teen too) really helps me feel cared for and comforted. Texting is good for daily stuff like "can you believe what just happened related to work?" or other things. I also invite people over regularly (I'm a dynamite cook and enjoy it) because I've found an invitation to eat at my house is usually accepted.

I don't think that therapy is set up to take the place of a social support system. But don't you feel cared for and comforted in session? If so, can you discuss with the T ways besides getting an email response that might help you hold onto what you get in session. If you don't get enough in session (and is there really enough? It doesn't exactly feel that way to me), can you ask if there are ways to increase your sense of being comforted and supported while in therapy?

4. Self care and supporting yourself. Maybe I'm the only dummy who hasn't figured this stuff out yet, but when I started to spend my time and my money on activities (mostly) and things (not so much, as I don't like to accumulate) that invoked pleasure and enjoyment and seemed to improve my quality of life, I felt emotionally and physically better and pretty dramatically so. Taking an inventory of what I wanted to spend my money on and my time on and then following through with steps to make that happen has been key. Some of it is very simple (spending more time outdoors, walking the dog and in the garden) and free, other things cost money but I was able to figure out how to budget for what *really* made a difference for me. It's like it's taken me quite some time to figure out how to really organize my life so my home and my time and my stuff is more suited to me.

Can someone explain how maternal feeling towards a male therapist manifest? What makes them maternal as opposed to paternal? Is it a response based on expectations around gender stereotypes?

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Can someone explain how maternal feeling towards a male therapist manifest? What makes them maternal as opposed to paternal? Is it a response based on expectations around gender stereotypes?

I’m no expert, but I think of mothers as caring, supportive and nurturing which is why I think of my feelings towards him as maternal. Maybe it’s just parental, though?

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Can someone explain how maternal feeling towards a male therapist manifest? What makes them maternal as opposed to paternal? Is it a response based on expectations around gender stereotypes?

I won’t presume to know how this works for other people, but I have lots of maternal feelings around my therapist- because he reminds me very much of my mother, who was very loving and kind. (My father was loving and kind as well, but my mother was the emotional backbone of the family.)

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Can someone explain how maternal feeling towards a male therapist manifest? What makes them maternal as opposed to paternal? Is it a response based on expectations around gender stereotypes?

I don't think it's necessarily about gender stereotypes, though those can play a role. In some cases maternal vs. paternal vs. parental could be about someone's individual specifically differing experiences with mothers, fathers, parents. In some cases it could also be about the fantasies we carry around about ideal mothers, fathers, and parents, and our ideas about gender are obviously layered into that.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

Can someone explain how maternal feeling towards a male therapist manifest? What makes them maternal as opposed to paternal? Is it a response based on expectations around gender stereotypes?

I tend to think of it as a *person* filling a role that was missing from your childhood. As you peel away layers during therapy and find these painful absences in your past, we let the compassionate and empathetic T fill that role as we re-live the experience. So in the context of transference, it's the missing need that is filled, rather than specifically replacing a mother. In this way, the word 'maternal' or 'paternal' doesn't matter. Because mothers are the primary care-givers, maternal transference is so much more common.

Just my opinion.
-P
PS. I just read Starfishing's excellent post...I guess I should read rest of the thread before posting. I already wrote it so, so up it goes

[stopdog]

Why do you have to do anything about it? Is it hurting anything?

[starfishing]

As far as dealing with unmet needs and disappointments from childhood and family relationships, I think we look to meet those needs for support and nurturing and compassion elsewhere when that's possible, and we look to grieve those past losses and deficits when meeting them is no longer possible.

With parental relationships, I think both of those are key--some of those needs can and should be met in the present, by friends and mentors and loved ones and ourselves. And some of them can't, but it's still possible to move on over time.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think there are several different things going on in what you're experiencing, and maybe it would be helpful to pull them apart.

1. Maternal feelings for male therapist-- as you note, a very normal experience and I've had them with my male therapist, after my partner's death. I'm not currently estranged from my mother, but I spent a decade without any contact at all with my FOO (family of origin, including father and sibs, not much extended family). Now it's been 15 years with contact, and the past couple (since my father died), I've grown closer to my mother, who turns out how a very warm and supportive side to her that I did not experience too much growing up. And I notice that my maternal feelings towards T have mellowed out since then, so I wonder if part of what is going on for you is that you need more support in your life.

2. In the helping professions-- I am too, and work with very badly traumatized people often in crisis-- not as a T. I think the downside of being a caregiver/supporter is that you use up your "deposits" of self-care or whatever brings you comfort/feeling cared for at work, and if there are no other places or people to increase your deposits, the withdrawals will tax you. Not a terrible healthy place to be. I've also noticed that at times when I am "taxed" with withdrawals, I am less engaged in a therapy session. The more nurtured and supported I feel, the more I'm able to hunker down and get to the hard stuff. So in my opinion, the maternal feelings are all wrapped up in everyday life and are quite impacted by it.

3. Support system outside therapy-- do you have one? Since I've been single, texting with friends (sometimes out of town) and establishing regular coffee dates or lunch dates has really helped. Contact with adults (I'm a Mom of a teen too) really helps me feel cared for and comforted. Texting is good for daily stuff like "can you believe what just happened related to work?" or other things. I also invite people over regularly (I'm a dynamite cook and enjoy it) because I've found an invitation to eat at my house is usually accepted.

I don't think that therapy is set up to take the place of a social support system. But don't you feel cared for and comforted in session? If so, can you discuss with the T ways besides getting an email response that might help you hold onto what you get in session. If you don't get enough in session (and is there really enough? It doesn't exactly feel that way to me), can you ask if there are ways to increase your sense of being comforted and supported while in therapy?

4. Self care and supporting yourself. Maybe I'm the only dummy who hasn't figured this stuff out yet, but when I started to spend my time and my money on activities (mostly) and things (not so much, as I don't like to accumulate) that invoked pleasure and enjoyment and seemed to improve my quality of life, I felt emotionally and physically better and pretty dramatically so. Taking an inventory of what I wanted to spend my money on and my time on and then following through with steps to make that happen has been key. Some of it is very simple (spending more time outdoors, walking the dog and in the garden) and free, other things cost money but I was able to figure out how to budget for what *really* made a difference for me. It's like it's taken me quite some time to figure out how to really organize my life so my home and my time and my stuff is more suited to me.

Thanks, Anne2.0. Great insights as always.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why do you have to do anything about it? Is it hurting anything?

I guess it feels distracting. Ideally, I’d like to see him for who he is instead of this fantasy version of him I’ve created in my head.