Why do I suddenly feel empowered?

It makes no sense to me why I suddenly feel empowered in my therapy relationship and it’s driving me crazy that I don’t understand it. I’ve been in therapy with the same T for about 14 months and it was my pattern to email him routinely with my thoughts. Initially, it was very hard to open up in session, so I think this was helpful. Eventually it became a bit disorganized at times and I’d obsess about him and about thoughts related to therapy. On the one hand, I think emailing him helped me process things much more deeply, but it also made me feel a bit overwhelmed and crazy sometimes. He’d typically respond with brief reassurance and mostly redirect things back to our therapy hour. About a month ago he said he’d stop responding to my emails altogether but would still read them. I felt hurt, rejected and ashamed and even thought about finding a new therapist. But now, a month later, I feel tremendously empowered and I don’t understand why. I have chosen not to email him and my level of obsessing about therapy (feeling disorganized?) has gone way down. I feel like I no longer dread going to my therapy appointments and I see him a little bit more like a normal human being. It’s freeing and weird and I wish I understood what the heck happened to produce this change. Does anyone understand why taking away between session response would actually make me feel better?

I know what you mean. I think there can be anxiety in waiting for the reply, it's in the therapist's hands and that can feel incredibly disempowering. There's something really important about knowing exactly what to expect and not feeling at the mercy of the therapist. It reinforces our autonomy. It's the exact reason I often write "don't reply" when I email my T. That way I remove the agonising wait which can reignite the shame cycle.

Its what happened with me too, I get sad sometime, because so many people here can contact whenever and it makes me feel like crap... but then I think about how good I feel, much more "stable" in a sense and I feel secure with our relationship for once. I think the outside contact added way too much unneeded anxiety, so getting it gone, was a way to grow, even though it is tough at times.

Independence. Autonomy. It’s a good thing. My therapist always said that was his ultimate goal for me.

I had a very similar experience in my therapy--and I can't explain it either. But I do understand exactly what you're describing, and I feel the same way. I think the other posters are right that even though it may feel painful at first....ultimately things like self-reliance, autonomy, independence, and all that good stuff are fostered by no-outside contact (assuming you have a good T who knows his/her stuff). At least that has been my experience.

Hm, interesting. Maybe it's helped free you from waiting for a response? Or from feeling like what he gave you as a response was not enough or not exactly what you wanted him to say? I know I've struggled with those things when emailing with my T (and ex-MC). Sometimes it's really helpful, but other times it just gives me more stress, and sometimes a mix of both--stressful waiting, then relief when I hear back (even though he generally writes back within 24 hours, usually sooner). So maybe it's sort of released you from that cycle? Whatever the reason, I'm glad you're feeling better about things with your T now.

Didn't you also miss a session to process the change then not pay and talked it through successfully with him? That's a major empowering success. It's probably that as well. An example of successful growth.

That’s really great!

I don’t think we realize how much we give up trying to get validation and soothing from therapists between sessions. My former therapist was big into between session support, but it created its own anxiety/relief cycle waiting for a response. For whatever reason, the high I got from a response was worth the anxiety of waiting so I wasn’t motivated to stop.

I felt best leaving therapy completely (even after email support was pulled), but as things are processing and settling I think it was a sign that I was ready to leave. Sometimes things that seem difficult and traumatic work out for the best.

In addition to what others said, the therapy stays in the frame. Now your feelings don't bleed out between sessions. If you felt child or strong transference feelings in session, you may have been feeling those in between, and intensified by the email interactions. Familiar to me, with my early trauma and severe neglect, at times it was like laying in my crib hungry and cold, but my mother never coming for me. Those feelings of dependency are very disempowering.

Perhaps now you are only feeling adult feelings and the transference is kept at bay.

This thread is making me - almost- want to give up emailing out of session! I want me do me of that growth but I guess I'm taking the more windy road!

LOL!!!

You could always try it one week and see how it goes. I sadly had no choice, kind of like OP.... not sure if I'd still be doing it otherwise

Yes, I like the term “shame cycle” because I think our email relationship was becoming more and more about that. Often whatever he said wasn’t enough and I was upset that he wouldn’t respond on weekends. I keep thinking that if I had something important enough or interesting enough to say, then he’d respond on a weekend and that whole process was getting exhausting and disempowering. It’s great that you can put “do not reply” and be satisfied by that. I tried that, but still felt secretly hurt when he wouldn’t reply.

Even though it’s been strangely empowering for me, it still feels tough. But right now at least, the feelings of empowerment are outweighing the feelings of toughness that come with knowing I won’t get a response. Maybe that will change, who knows? I am surprised though by how many PC folks have unlimited contact with their T’s between sessions. For the moment, I don’t feel bad about it because in a strange way I think my T did this for caring reasons. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

It feels like independence and autonomy now, but a month ago it felt like my T was being cruel and changing his mind on a whim. I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me. I could not have anticipated this change.

I am too. However, when you think of how many people who are NOT in PC but in therapy, it's probably not as many people as we really think.

Also yes, I am the same. At first it felt like a punishment and I was ANGRY. Then I started to realize, he saw stuff I didn't and he did this out of care, because it was getting too much for me. I couldn't stop it on my own.

However, it still sucks sometimes when I do wish I could email on a weekend when I'm spiraling but in my case, I've spent my entire life dealing alone with stuff like that so I know how to get out of it, it just sucks that I'm STILL alone.

I do like the feeling of less stress in our relationship now though.

Yes. I’m glad I’m not the only one with this experience. Initially it made me doubt my T, but now it’s given me more confidence in him. I never would have been able to make this choice on my own, so I’m thankful (for now anyway) that he helped me along.

LT - you write so much about your sessions and from what I’ve read it seems like your email relationship with your T is more useful and satisfying (mostly anyway) than mine was. For whatever reason, mine was never enough and it left me feeling ashamed much of the time. So I think you are correct that this has somehow released me from a negative cycle that we had going. Thanks for your support.

Yes! I think that was all part of the process that happened after he said he’d no longer reply to my emails and it most definitely helped me to feel empowered. I just didn’t expect it, I guess.

Lol. I would never have given it up on my own! Also, I believe between session contact is probably great for many people. It was just turning into something negative for me.

This makes theoretical sense to me and it's very exciting to me that you are reporting it. Want my "explanation"? Or is the growth and empowerment of the experience itself what is meaningful to you.

He's containing you. Containment is a loving action. In the mother child relationship, it might be holding the child. Limit setting is a way to help a child with containment.

All of these comments are interesting to me. First of all, in general, I wonder how often therapists allow between session contact because I agree that by reading this forum it seems like it’s just about everyone. But my therapist told me that he doesn’t typically do that with his clients. I was surprised when he said that because I assumed it was the norm.

Regarding stopping the emails, I also NEVER would have stopped on my own. The thing I struggle with is what you said about being used to doing things on your own. I’m also that way and assumed I was going to therapy to learn not to keep doing things that way. At first when he said he’d stop replying I wondered why the heck I should continue therapy if he was just sending me the message that I should do things on my own. I think that’s not exactly the message he’s sending, though, and I guess that’s what I’m in the middle of trying to figure out.

Interesting. I’ve read about this, but don’t fully understand it. It sounds right, though. Also makes me feel slightly embarrassed that as an independent full-fledged grown up I would need limits like this. I’ll have to google this.

Omg, yes. It felt exactly like my feelings were “bleeding out between sessions.” It was overwhelming at times. I most definitely still have “child” feelings but they don’t feel as out of control. Maybe that’s the “containment” you mentioned in another comment.

Yes, please. Interested in your explanation.