[mcl6136]

I have had to get real serious about my social life ...or lack thereof...since ending therapy.

I don't know if I'll be going back to therapy (I'm still posting here and mulling it over) but one thing that I have noticed is how much more energy and motivation I have for seeing people socially and possibly (finally) getting involved in a romantic relationship.

I feel that therapy was a way that I had a fake intimacy that I used to replace the possibility of real intimacy in my life. As long as I had a 50 minute session of someone that I pretended to be close to...I was good.

Now I feel like the hunger that I have for real connection is going to have to go somewhere.

I'll probably be married and living happily ever after very soon.

If not, I'll certainly let you all know!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I have had to get real serious about my social life ...or lack thereof...since ending therapy.

I don't know if I'll be going back to therapy (I'm still posting here and mulling it over) but one thing that I have noticed is how much more energy and motivation I have for seeing people socially and possibly (finally) getting involved in a romantic relationship.

I feel that therapy was a way that I had a fake intimacy that I used to replace the possibility of real intimacy in my life. As long as I had a 50 minute session of someone that I pretended to be close to...I was good.

Now I feel like the hunger that I have for real connection is going to have to go somewhere.

I'll probably be married and living happily ever after very soon.

If not, I'll certainly let you all know!

I realize that this is not a very helpful, probing, insightful post and for that I am sorry but I just had to put it out there. I do think that I was ducking a certain part of life by being in therapy, and I wonder if anyone else has ever felt the same....

[here today]

I found your post to be both helpful and insightful, especially this part.

Originally Posted by mcl6136

. . .

I feel that therapy was a way that I had a fake intimacy that I used to replace the possibility of real intimacy in my life. As long as I had a 50 minute session of someone that I pretended to be close to...I was good.
. . .!

Therapy wasn't a just or mostly a fake intimacy -- it was a fake life. A goal to "get it right" so I could try to make a life. "Make the therapy work" -- it eventually didn't, though -- and not "make my life work".

I didn't have a clue how to do the latter. And without a clue, it was too scary to even try, or something.

Sure, my cluelessness was probably related to past trauma, and if therapy could help with that -- I think maybe it did -- that was a good reason to go.

But the latter -- how to make a life. I'm still pretty clueless about it but I've been doing without therapy for more than 2 years and it seems to be getting a little easier. At least sometimes.

[rainbow8]

Yes! Your post resonates with me. I have spent years in therapy, trying to get my needs met by engaging in fake intimacy with different Ts. I knew it was a pattern but I couldn't stop. Only in my current therapy have I been honest enough to fully acknowledge to myself and to my T what I have been doing. She says I can get that intimacy in my real life. I hope that I can get well enough to do so, but even now, with my health challenges, I am becoming closer to people. Probably it's happening because of those challenges! It's bittersweet. I still love my T but I know what her role in my life is.

[growlycat]

Yeah t even asked if I avoided social situations because I got all that I needed through therapy. A very relevant topic for me. I know the t relationship is limited but in hoping that doesn’t make it fake either

I noticed mostly positives as well.

I found that therapy actually strained many of my real-life relationships because therapy doesn’t set realistic expectations for how relationships work. For example in therapy my therapist was always focused entirely on me, always validated my feelings, was always focused and present, was always nurturing, always said the right things. (Not counting ruptures). Real-life people aren’t so perfect, and neither was she off the clock. The stage was set well for relationship addiction.

I miss my therapist tremendously sometimes, but as others have mentioned, there became a point where the weekly breadcrumbs I was thrown wasn’t enough. I started utilizing other people to meet that need. Actually I should say - started utilizing them again.

[Myrto]

Completely agree with your post. Which was very insightful btw. I feel the same exact way. Therapy, on top of being an addiction, was also a distraction for me. With therapy I could pretend I had something going on with my life (other than work and talking to my coworkers) and whine about being lonely without actually doing something about it. I've met many people (including my girlfriend) since leaving therapy for good. It's no coincidence.

[mcl6136]

Thank you everyone! I actually sometimes feel that when a week goes by...and I'm still on the wagon, that I am making progress. It's almost feeling like I am kicking an addiction.

Which is too strong of an analogy, actually, because I got a lot out of therapy and I would never say otherwise, but I think that when my last T just left the city and I had to "go it alone" I realized how therapy had taken up a certain corner of my life where actual In Real Life relationships belonged.

I have made a better effort lately to let people "in" and I'm more intentional about arranging ways to socialize but in a sense, I kind of feel like a case of arrested development. It's even a little scary, because I have quite a few relationships (not that close) in which I don't feel safe saying, "I quit therapy and I'm having a somewhat hard time adjusting to life without a therapist who will listen to *everything" in the depth that I want and need.

I mean, you cannot expect the same kind of undivided attention in real life about problems from many people. And it has to be give and take, whereas in therapy, you can obsess about some slight, some fear, some ISSUE....to your heart's content.

Of course, these realizations are not new for me, but when I look back on substantial swaths of my life, I've been in therapy. And now, I've taken off the training wheels and ...whee!

Again, thank you all.....

[possum220]

Being in therapy is a means to an end. Kinda like using stepping stones to find your own path in life. My T has said that he always plans to do himself out of a job by getting people to a point where they are able to function better on their own.

Good on you for getting to the other side and learning to fly.

[tomatenoir]

What you say makes sense. When we see a therapist, we get some of our socialisation needs met. When I studied online and alone for my postgraduate diploma, I noticed I suddenly needed to go out much more than when I worked in an office with people. I wasn't close to my colleagues in the office, but they were people I could chat to, and they took the edge off any loneliness I felt.

I wonder if this problem is worse with introverts, who need less social interaction to keep them happy. A therapist might be enough for someone whose needs are low.

I found when I left therapy I was more willing to do activities and see people a bit more. Therapy had been the thing I did during the working week, but when I left I needed to find more stuff to do.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She says I can get that intimacy in my real life.

The key is finding someone I actually want to talk to and share things with like I do my T. I do not have that kind of intimacy with my husband.......I married him for every other reason than love. Mainly safety so I use T as a surrogate in all areas.

[koru_kiwi]

i'll tell ya, since leaving therapy (especially the wacky 'therapeutic relationship'), my life has been a hell of a lot less drama filled...that is for sure!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

i'll tell ya, since leaving therapy (especially the wacky 'therapeutic relationship'), my life has been a hell of a lot less drama filled...that is for sure!

Mine too but I am still ambivalent and I still don't completely know what to "do" with this space that "no therapy" has left.

It is also an ongoing hell to deal with some of the people in my life who badly needed therapy but never went -- and never will.

That's why I am going to keep posting here to torment you! Hahahaha!